In which I'm so subtle that you probably won't understand a word unless you're personally involved

[oloriel]

Anyone want to know last night's stupid dream in the Lyra-brain?

No, of course you don't, but I'll tell you anyway.
First, have some backstory.
A week ago, my grandfather's girlfriend (ladyfriend? how do you call these relationships among people in their eighties?) was buried. I was not there due to exam preparations, but my parents and brother went.
Those among you who have been keeping track may remember that not long before that, I posted about the same (I only have the one) grandfather's sister dying (her burial took place on the day before my first final, so I wasn't there either)...

Well, last night I dreamt that my grandfather's wife-if-not-for-taxes' death was faked.

Gee, brain, I wonder where that came from...?

I didn't actually want to post about this, but I'll take that dream as an incentive to get it out of my system.
In very vague and general terms. You don't have to read it if you don't care to.
(But of course that goes for all my LJ entries anyway.)
- - -

On the whole, I know I've only been vaguely affected by the whole mess (for those who're not in the Silmarillion fandom: Someone has recently been found out to have faked the death of one sockpuppet, had various tragedies befall another sockpuppet, and tried to make herself comfortable again in the fandom with yet another sockpuppet, which is when she slipped up because people utterly unknown to each other shouldn't have precisely the same interests or, um, IP address...). I've never been attacked for things I posted on my LJ (perhaps my entries were too long and complicated to read?), only once for something I said in comments (and I was half hoping that I'd be defriended after that, but somehow that didn't happen: I am now wondering why. Not worth the effort? Or did "they" actually think that I was too big a name to slander? Oh, the flattery!).
I know that I didn't review at the SWG for a while because I didn't want again to be accused of having time to comment on other people's work (repeatedly, what's more! OMG!!!1!) but not on the things posted by the bereaved widower on his late wife's behalf (and the truth is, I didn't comment because I cannot be bothered to read something that long if it is so full of unnecessary typos and grammatical errors, which actually hurt me on an almost physical level; besides, the stories almost always followed the same pattern. So I only read and reviewed the short ones and put the long ones off for... well, let's just say that this time procrastination actually did make the problem go away?). I am kind of mourning the loss of two original paintings I sent there (though I only was happy with one of them, anyway. But I wonder who really got them, and what became of them?). And there were some e-mails exchanged in which "she" whined about someone else's post which "she" felt put "her" under a lot of stress - but when I said that the person who'd made the post simply worked better under stress and "she" should respect that the other person wanted to talk about it on her own journal, which "she" after all didn't have to read if she didn't like it, somehow the whining ended.
(God, I can be so reasonable sometimes. ;))
So I guess it did affect me after all.
But I wasn't affected to the point of being unable to ramble in my own journal, and not nearly so much as some other people, particularly those whose names were dragged in the mud.
And by the time the umpteenth tragedy hit the "bereaved widower" (who was beginning to sound more and more like the "late wife" - see, kids, learning to recognise narrative voice is actually good for something after all!), I was starting to entertain serious doubts, and thought something along the lines of "I wonder whether we'll find this on fake_lj_deaths soon?". So the big reveal wasn't a surprise. The extent of the whole mess, on the other hand, was.

And it affected me enough, apparently, for my subconscious to play on it!

What shall we bet that Freud would've interpreted that dream in a completely nonsensical way, possibly related to sex?
(Yes, I am still sore about That Professor's expectations for the exams. And will be until they're over. Or, in fact, until I've gotten over the impending bad grade. That is because I think she's stupid, and she's forcing me to come down to her stupid level in my essay, where I will naturally be beaten by the more experienced bullshitter. Yes, now it's out: I am absolutely convinced that I am smarter than that professor. I could give classes more interesting than hers, too. Yes, really.)

- BTT. I have also been affected enough that I am now compulsively checking the profile of every LJ user jumping in on the discussion whose posts share one or more characteristics of the sockpuppet's "voice": Repetitive rambling without punctuation, typos, certain grammatical boo-boos, and, above all, interpreting things that have been said in the most offense-giving way possible, drama-mongering and a sense of entitlement. There probably are a couple of poor real people whom I've been suspecting (and still am, because little nagging voices are hard to silence) just because they can't be bothered to use a spellchecker appear to be heavily inspired by James Joyce think someone's trying to hurt them think someone should beg pardon on bent knee for real or imagined 'crimes' are reacting very emotionally to an admittedly rather emotion-heavy issue...

Anyway.
Once we've all licked our respective wounds, shared our astonishment at what happened and how deeply we were sucked in, and shared our stories - once we've done that, I think it's time for a general amnesty (because if everyone who got hurt waits for everyone who hurt them to realise that they hurt them and apologise, we'll all be RL!dead of old age before we get over it).
And then, rebuilding.
Which actually shouldn't be hard if the general amnesty thing works out. After all, if that works out, all we have to do is carry on as before.

So I'll begin it:
If I have knowingly or unknowingly, intentionally or accidentally, directly or indirectly hurt, insulted, offended or otherwise caused harm to anybody in the few months that I was involved in the whole thing through something that I did or didn't do, I hereby offer my genuine and heartfelt apologies. Feel free to speak out or not, just as you wish.
(Actually I can't recall knowingly or intentionally hurting anyone, but it's been a crazy year and you never know how you come across...)

I don't remember having been hurt by anyone except the actual culprit, so nobody needs to apologise to me. :)

Right! Back to work, shall we?

Comments

[spiced-wine.livejournal.com]

I didn't comment because I cannot be bothered to read something that long if it is so full of unnecessary typos and grammatical errors, which actually hurt me on an almost physical level; besides, the stories almost always followed the same pattern.

Eli asked (WTF? I have to speak of them as two people still.) me to put The Consort on this 100 Must Read Tolkien Fanfic list (I've nearly finished) four times. He did not recc any-one else, and I said that it was an odd situation, because he and Roisin were so close, and I would rather some-one else who was not so emotionally involved recc' it. I got a long reply, (which I still have on my Yahoo) part of which was

If this list is all about the technical aspects of writing or the perfection of the prose then please let me know. I was under the impression this was about stories we enjoyed the most. I apologize if I misunderstood. But to be fair if my vote is dis qualified because one of my most favorite stories happens to be written by my wife then it might be wise to also disqualify the votes that come from friends of an author because there is an emotional attachment there too

and so on. Part of my reply was

Roisin posted on a site which must have the highest percentage of quality fanfic on the internet, but you recc only one? You must see how that looks from my perspective, when I am getting messages and emails from people naming several authors and enthusing over all of them?

I said I would look at it myself, and did. But I could not have put it on a Must Read, even to 'honor her memory.' So I have to be glad it's not there, and that I don't have to take the backlash. :\

You mentioned on Dawn's thread that Hope had been quite clever in targeting people who people like me. (i.e. people who read the kind of work I do.) don't know. The people I know on the SWG, those I read and review are all 'canon heretics', and I simply did not know the names of people who were apparently anathema due to their cruel hounding of Roisin,(Some of it due to both she and Eli being bisexual, allegedly.) probably because they wrote more canon-friendly or gen work. So I could not say 'So-and-so would never do that.' as I had no idea who they were. :(

And then, rebuilding.

Yes. I agree. I didn't know those slandered, those who drew back or even away altogether, but I hope they do come back and rediscover their joy in the fandom.

learning to recognise narrative voice is actually good for something after all!

Lol. That must be true. I did not read enough of Hope's work to be sure I would recognize it again, but I know that after following other authors for a year or two, I could probably pick them out under another name. (Not that I can imagine them bothering to do that, but if they were published under their own name, or using a pseud for a different fandom, perhaps)

Writing styles are very distinctive.

[oloriel.livejournal.com]

So I could not say 'So-and-so would never do that.' as I had no idea who they were. :(

Yes, precisely. This is also what rubs me about some of these people now saying "People should have known I'd never do that!"
The people they frequently interacted with - yes, probably. But people who never had anything to do with them until the names showed up? Yes, of course we should give everyone the benefit of the doubt. But hey, we're all human. And we were kept on an emotional rollercoaster all the time, too.

I did not read enough of Hope's work to be sure I would recognize it again

I don't just mean the voice they use when writing fiction. As all of our interactions (in my case, anyway) were writing-based - via lj posts or e-mails, that also made up the "voice". Initially, "Eli" sounded quite different from "Roisin" - shorter sentences, less 'breathless' ranting, less fandom savvy. Later on that difference disappeared, but I didn't notice at the time because "Roisin"'s appearances had become rare by then. I'd probably have picked up on it if I'd read the fanfic "Eli" supposedly wrote as a first attempt! As I was thoroughly tired of Daeron romance and up to my ears in exam preparations, however... well, I never got around to do it...
And Dawn's initial idea to check "Tarja"'s IP was sparked by the fact that "Tarja" sounded a lot like "Roisin". ^^

[spiced-wine.livejournal.com]

But hey, we're all human. And we were kept on an emotional rollercoaster all the time, too.

Yes, that. Goodness knows what it was like for people for months or years :( With Eli, there was never a chance to take a breath. It was like being punch drunk by disasters and howls for help and sympathy. In the end, I sat there looking at the screen and not knowing what else to say.
And yes; not knowing the people at all...although to be honest, I did think he was just in such a state that he was hypersensitive and seeing insult and injury everywhere. I did not honestly think people could be sending him hate mail (which was my impression of what was happening since it was all *hidden*) But it was as if he constantly had to be *talked down*. I wondered if the next person on would be a friend, or his mother saying he'd killed himself, I really did. So I didn't think too much about the people who were allegedly hounding him.

I don't just mean the voice they use when writing fiction. As all of our interactions (in my case, anyway) were writing-based - via lj posts or e-mails, that also made up the "voice".

Ah, I see what you mean.

Later on that difference disappeared, but I didn't notice at the time because "Roisin"'s appearances had become rare by then. I'd probably have picked up on it if I'd read the fanfic "Eli" supposedly wrote as a first attempt!

I did not have that much interaction with Roisin. I probably read more words of Consort than her own LJ, but yes, I see what you mean. I put Eli's deterioration into great long, run-on posts down as trauma. I am sure most people did. :\

I did see that Daeron fic. I thought he some-times co-wrote with Roisin maybe and had absorbed her style. (Yes, I am just a bit dumb like that)