oloriel | The days are just packed (Reply)

Time flies by. Felix has been with us for almost seven weeks now; somehow I manage to be doubly surprised by that, for one because it's been seven weeks already and for two because it feels as though he's always been there. Not that we've found any kind of proper routine; but he has taken over our lives so completely that it is hard to remember what it would be like without him.
(There would be more sleep at regular times, of course; but otherwise?)

I've started three LJ entries in the past weeks that I didn't finish, and by the time I could have continued they were already obsolete and I no longer cared to write them. Then I started working on a birthday present for the mother-in-law and a present for a colleague of Jörg whose wife gave birth to their second daughter a while back and that kept me from LJ for good for a while. So I didn't get around to mention that one day I woke up to Jörg saying sorrowfully, "We got mail from some lawyer... did we do anything?" Fortunately,

laurenia had warned me that she'd use her mother's official stamp to discourage the postal service from stealing her baby mail, so I wasn't worried. ^^ Thank you, Laurie and also your guy and

vout and

degu_aus_stahl! *hugs*

Before this entry is interrupted and rendered obsolete again, I'll try to merely sum up the accomplishments of the past weeks.
My brush with postpartal depression seems to be over. Not sure whether it genuinely was depression, tbh, or just frustration at Various Things That Weren't Going Quite Right. After a bit of a fight and a crying fit Things got better; whether due to that or due to the hormones starting to stabilise, I started feeling better, too.
Sleep is still erratic. Felix' nursing is vaguely regular (in diurnal terms, not in circadian terms) but everything in between shifts and changes all the time. Whenever we think we've reached a kind of routine, it's time for another growth/development spurt and the rhythm is rearranged again. After two days of (particularly nightly) peevishness and perpetual hunger, yesterday was a day of great achievements: Felix managed to raise himself to his elbows when lying on his belly, and he watches and focuses quite clearly now. Also, he discovered the concept of boredom - meaning that he wants input when he's awake. "Here I am now; entertain me!" And he is practicing his smiles (which is the cutest thing ever). Can't wait for the first "social", conscious smiles.
Nursing is going better now. After the sore nipples had begun to heal, I got mastitis; when that was through, somehow my breasts started to work assymmetrically, with one always fuller (painfully so) than the other. That still hasn't stopped entirely, but as the mom-in-law gifted us a milk pump (MOO!), I can control it better now.
Any and all sexual feelings have, for the time being, fled me entirely. Poor Jörg, but I can't help it.
In general, motherhood in its early stages throws you (or me, anyway) back to the mammalian basics.

I don't know whether the term of "nursing dementia" (nursing as a noun, not as a participle) exists in English; it does in German and describes the state of young mothers, who tend to forget things and be clumsy. It is said that it's brought about by the lack of sleep and the confused hormones, but I think it is also supported by the frequent speaking of Motherese. It does weird things to your brain circuits, it really does!
While some functions of the brain degenerate with motherhood, researchers have found that other parts - mostly those responsible for realising and dealing with danger - grow. In practical application this means that I now fully understand why my mother turned from her adventurous pre-children self into the safety-obsessed person she is now. In myself, alas, the grown amygdalae have already brought up a problem: When I, belatedly, went into my bees to harvest what little honey this year brought, I developed a fully-fledged panic. Very embarrassing and also very awkward! Somehow I eventually managed to get through the harvest anyway (not that it was truly worth it; we got perhaps 7 kg of honey out of it, but I have to practice at some point - it took absurdly long!) but it wasn't fun. So there's no help, I'll need a bee suit after all. And no, you won't be getting any honey, certainly not this year. - Meanwhile, Felix (safely inside with his daddy) cried up a storm and wouldn't be soothed, poor little fellow!

We all but missed the blackberry harvest this year; with the weird weather, most turned from red to rotten before we had time to react. Now the walnuts are falling from the tree - autumn is definitely coming. And you don't want to know what the garden looks like. Last week, the MIL had tooth surgery, due to which she couldn't help with the construction, so instead she babysat Felix so I had a chance of getting some stuff done in between nursing. Once Felix can keep himself entertained while in his cot or pram, I guess I'll have my hands free more often; until then, the dust has to gather and the weeds have to grow, I guess. (Wrap slings are great, but the additional weight is NOT helping while weeding.)

Physically I'm still not as fit as I'd like. There still is some pressure on my perineum that gets worse when I'm on my feet for too long or when lifting stuff; I am secretly terrified that something is OMG WRONG. Everything feels weird and different. On Monday I'll see my gynaecologist who will hopefully tell me that everything is the normal kind of different and that I can take nice walks with Felix without worrying. >_>

And yet, when Felix is awake and looking at me with his dark eyes and, perhaps, smiling, it's all worth it. Even when I wish that it were easier, or different, or that I didn't feel so isolated. :P