Home Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Christmas Tree

[oloriel]

I just waged a battle against a two-meter Nordmann fir.
It put up a spirited battle, but I won.
And it took me only an hour, one perforated vacuum cleaner bag (note to self: even Nordmann fir needles have a certain penetrating power if accelerated to a certain velocity), some rather colourful curses and a few litres of sweat to remove the millions of sticky needles the tree deigned to cast off as I carried it out and away.
Before the battle, I had felt sorry for the tree. Heck, I had even put on Christmas music and lit the last candles to appease it. But noooo, it had to show its vengeful side.
Oh well, I had to clean the floor anyway.

Next year, we'll get one of those neat potted Armorica firs. It'll get to freely roam outside in the garden most of the year, but every Christmas we'll catch it and carry it into the living-room where it will be tortured with candles, straw stars and choral music until it wishes it had been chopped down beforehand so it'd only have had to serve as a Christmas tree once.

Yup, sounds good to me.

A lil' cartoon appropriate for the occasion. It's in German, but you don't really need to understand the text. If anyone wants me to, I can translate it, though. <3 Zuckerfisch.

- - -


Ich habe gerade eine Schlacht gegen eine zwei Meter hohe Nordmanntanne ausgefochten.
Sie hat sich tapfer gewehrt, aber ich habe gewonnen.
Und ich habe auch nur eine Stunde, einen perforierten Staubsaugerbeutel (merke: selbst Nordmanntannennadeln haben eine gewisse Durchschlagskraft, wenn man sie auf die entsprechende Geschwindigkeit beschleunigt), ein paar vielfarbige Flüche und einige Liter Schweiß gebraucht, um die Millionen anhänglicher Nadeln zu entfernen, die der Baum als Andenken abzuwerfen beliebte, als ich ihn durch die Flure schleppte.
Vor dem Kampf hat der Baum mir ja noch leid getan. Himmel, ich hab sogar nochmal meine Weihnachts-Playlist in Gang gesetzt und die letzten Kerzen runterbrennen lassen, um ihn zu besänftigen. Aber neeeein, es war natürlich eine rachsüchtige Tanne. (So sind sie, die Nordmänner.)
Naja, der Boden musste eh mal wieder gereinigt werden.

Aber nächstes Jahr holen wir uns so eine nette eingetopfte Armorica-Tanne. Die darf dann die meiste Zeit des Jahres im Garten frei rumtollen, aber immer zu Weihnachten wird sie eingefangen und ins Wohnzimmer getragen und mit Kerzen, Strohsternen und Chormusik gequält, bis sie sich wünscht, man hätte sie gefällt, so dass sie wenigstens nur einmal als Weihnachtsbaum hätte dienen müssen.

Jau, klingt gut.

Ein kleiner, zum Thema passender Comic. <3 Zuckerfisch.


- - -

Comments

[satismagic.livejournal.com]

We tried the potted thing once... but I did not stop to think and cut off the top for our Christmas tree top ornament. Now the little tree is all crooked and squiggly and lives in the garden and will stay there forever and never be a Christmas tree again...

[oloriel.livejournal.com]

Oh, we had some crooked and squiggly Christmas trees - when my parents bought the house, the entire garden was surrounded by blue spruces. As it lies northwards anyway - with the house in the south - that meant that it was always dark, so some of the trees had to go. But my dad did the chopping in December (leaving the roots to be dug out in spring), so we ended up giving trees to our church and my elementary school (so at least the poor trees hadn't died entirely in vain) and some neighbours. They got the more straight trees, of course, so we ended up with the last squiggly tree no one else had wanted. My grandmother disliked it, but my brother and I loved our squiggly trees.

And in the following years, my father would always cut the top off one of the remaining trees - just the top, the last two or so meters of a 15-meter tree, so mom would always be all wibbly when she watched him climb up the ladder - so we had some other crooked trees. So, I'm used to that... it'll feel like home. ;)
(And most of the spruces in my parents' garden now have grown twin-tops. Like Hydra - cut one head off, and two will grow...)