Change

The week before last week, it was hell. The whole weekend was hell, for that matter.
Last week it was sad but not that bad.
This week it didn't hurt at all.

Weird. Some healing effect after all? So I should be happy.
On the other hand it might mean that I just buried the last remains of what was left of my hope beyond hope, so the disappointment begins to subside. Which might be good but sad because I hate to admit defeat and I hate it even more to think I really did that.
Because in fact it would be the first hope I truly, truly let go off. Dunno, feels like I betrayed someone. Myself, anyway. Stupid again, because two weeks ago I complained about how I clung to those hopes that were in fact hopeless, but - - -
I don't like all these thoughts. Eru. I sound like some bitter old lady. I wish I could feel as young as I am. Not so many years ago, I wouldn't even have been considered a grown- up, being 19 years old. Although I should really accept that I am grown-up and should arrange myself with dead hopes.
- - - I won't go on this time, as not to get stuck in some depressive mood again. So, end here. Be it as it is.

And after all, doesn't all this wondering about hopes and hopelessness prove that it isn't quite dead? *smiles to self*

"As long as the roots are not dried up, the tree is not dead"