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Random Ranting V
Jul. 12th, 2003 11:36 pmThree weeks of the semester left. I still haven't read Dombey and Son. I still don't have a topic for my English term paper. I still didn't go to the obligatory second semester guidance counselling. I still haven't learned all the Kanji I should have learned. I forgot half the katakana again. I'm still lagging behind on vocabulary. I'll have to make up for quite a lot in these three final weeks.
I hope I'll be able to do a bit this weekend. Theoretically, I am. The question is whether my extraordinarily strong talent for procrastination can somehow be blocked. Because next weekend I definitely won't be able to do anything.
Next weekend I'll be at the Middle-earth Festival. Looking at the program, it looks like it'll be even better than last year. Which is hardly imaginable, except weather-wise.
I dreamed of the MEF the last two nights. That's almost scary. Overfocus.
I bought a dress at e-bay. I paid today. I'm afraid it won't arrive here in time. Oh well. Aditu's old dress will have to do. After all, that's why she lent it to me.
Right now I do miss a "pause" button for my life. Everything is happening too fast. Not that my problems now were significant, in the long run. Only now. Maybe today is a gift, but it's hard to cope with, definitely. Or I am just plain and simple totally unable.
The whatever-you-want-to-call-it with Lars seems to be over completely. We still didn't talk about it. But we hardly met in the last weeks, and when we did, he didn't try to revive the relationship as he did earlier. He didn't write any short messages or e-mails either. Looks like he's given up. I'm not surprised. The only thing surprising me is that it hurts so little. True, I never truly was in love with him, if there was anything at all, it was the tiniest crush. But the knowledge to technically have a boyfriend was nice. It just didn't work out. Looks like I do need big feelings and all that stuff.
Which reminds me, this weekend must be the weekend that Jörg moves to Remscheid. Probably, right now he is about 7 km away from me. This is something that troubles me more. Because I do still love him. He still pops up in my mind in random situations. He still appears in my dreams. I still cry when I read old e-mails (alas, modern times, where I don't even have any letters to touch, put under my pillow, or paste into my diary). I am quite desperate that the most important died with my brother's old PC that I still don't have back, and never will, as it looks. I miss him so badly. (Jörg, not the PC). I doubt that this will improve just because he lives closer now. On the contrary.
I didn't see him for over a month. Wait, I did see him once, one Saturday, in Cologne, two blocks from where I live there, in his car, with his girlfriend. Since her mother lives there, I might see him there some more times. I don't think he noticed me, though. I was in my car, too, and there was quite a lot of traffic. So we really didn't meet for over a month. No e-mails or calls either. But it isn't necessary. Aside from being wrong. We did try to stay in touch and meet secretly and it didn't change anything except making me more frustrated and my conscience more uneasy, although, or because, the short meetings with him were wonderful.
I told myself I didn't need him, then. I lied. We met at practice, and it hurt. I stopped judo altogether, so I don't meet him anymore, and it hurts. It is all terribly complicated.
The day after tomorrow I'll have been in love with him for two years and two months. Not even such a long time, looking back on it. But it seems like half an eternity.
Last week, all of a sudden, a butterfly fluttered among the cars queuing behind the traffic lights around the Barbarossaplatz. It just was there, a flash of red and brown and yellow, and it seemed so unreal, flying above the roofs of the cars, undaunted by the noise and smell. For a while, I was searching for a window in the air, a window from a place with trees and grass and flowers, from a different world. I didn't see it, and then the train went on.
When I came home in the evenings, the moon was right in the middle of the street, between one row of houses and the other. The clouds around it were lightened by its pale sheen. I wanted to dance in the middle of the street, but there were still too many people on the street. So I contended myself with a cartwheel and went on. Sometimes I wish I could care less about people's opinion, especially the opinion of people I don't even know.
Elia and Fuchs are drawing the Gods of their invented world. And because in times when I have lots of other, important stuff to do, I am particularly easily inspired, I began to draw Valar. That is to say, I drew Manwe. He put me before quite a load of difficulties. He looked too much like Jesus. And how do you draw wind? How do you draw air? How will I draw Dreams once I come to Irmo, or Memory once I come to Vaire?
It looks as though I never would finish. Again. I should get used to it.
I wonder why the Kanji for the Japanese word iru, "to exist" in context with living creatures, is a combination of the Kanji for "corpse" and for "old".
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( Das ganze auf Deutsch )
- - -
I hope I'll be able to do a bit this weekend. Theoretically, I am. The question is whether my extraordinarily strong talent for procrastination can somehow be blocked. Because next weekend I definitely won't be able to do anything.
Next weekend I'll be at the Middle-earth Festival. Looking at the program, it looks like it'll be even better than last year. Which is hardly imaginable, except weather-wise.
I dreamed of the MEF the last two nights. That's almost scary. Overfocus.
I bought a dress at e-bay. I paid today. I'm afraid it won't arrive here in time. Oh well. Aditu's old dress will have to do. After all, that's why she lent it to me.
Right now I do miss a "pause" button for my life. Everything is happening too fast. Not that my problems now were significant, in the long run. Only now. Maybe today is a gift, but it's hard to cope with, definitely. Or I am just plain and simple totally unable.
The whatever-you-want-to-call-it with Lars seems to be over completely. We still didn't talk about it. But we hardly met in the last weeks, and when we did, he didn't try to revive the relationship as he did earlier. He didn't write any short messages or e-mails either. Looks like he's given up. I'm not surprised. The only thing surprising me is that it hurts so little. True, I never truly was in love with him, if there was anything at all, it was the tiniest crush. But the knowledge to technically have a boyfriend was nice. It just didn't work out. Looks like I do need big feelings and all that stuff.
Which reminds me, this weekend must be the weekend that Jörg moves to Remscheid. Probably, right now he is about 7 km away from me. This is something that troubles me more. Because I do still love him. He still pops up in my mind in random situations. He still appears in my dreams. I still cry when I read old e-mails (alas, modern times, where I don't even have any letters to touch, put under my pillow, or paste into my diary). I am quite desperate that the most important died with my brother's old PC that I still don't have back, and never will, as it looks. I miss him so badly. (Jörg, not the PC). I doubt that this will improve just because he lives closer now. On the contrary.
I didn't see him for over a month. Wait, I did see him once, one Saturday, in Cologne, two blocks from where I live there, in his car, with his girlfriend. Since her mother lives there, I might see him there some more times. I don't think he noticed me, though. I was in my car, too, and there was quite a lot of traffic. So we really didn't meet for over a month. No e-mails or calls either. But it isn't necessary. Aside from being wrong. We did try to stay in touch and meet secretly and it didn't change anything except making me more frustrated and my conscience more uneasy, although, or because, the short meetings with him were wonderful.
I told myself I didn't need him, then. I lied. We met at practice, and it hurt. I stopped judo altogether, so I don't meet him anymore, and it hurts. It is all terribly complicated.
The day after tomorrow I'll have been in love with him for two years and two months. Not even such a long time, looking back on it. But it seems like half an eternity.
Last week, all of a sudden, a butterfly fluttered among the cars queuing behind the traffic lights around the Barbarossaplatz. It just was there, a flash of red and brown and yellow, and it seemed so unreal, flying above the roofs of the cars, undaunted by the noise and smell. For a while, I was searching for a window in the air, a window from a place with trees and grass and flowers, from a different world. I didn't see it, and then the train went on.
When I came home in the evenings, the moon was right in the middle of the street, between one row of houses and the other. The clouds around it were lightened by its pale sheen. I wanted to dance in the middle of the street, but there were still too many people on the street. So I contended myself with a cartwheel and went on. Sometimes I wish I could care less about people's opinion, especially the opinion of people I don't even know.
Elia and Fuchs are drawing the Gods of their invented world. And because in times when I have lots of other, important stuff to do, I am particularly easily inspired, I began to draw Valar. That is to say, I drew Manwe. He put me before quite a load of difficulties. He looked too much like Jesus. And how do you draw wind? How do you draw air? How will I draw Dreams once I come to Irmo, or Memory once I come to Vaire?
It looks as though I never would finish. Again. I should get used to it.
I wonder why the Kanji for the Japanese word iru, "to exist" in context with living creatures, is a combination of the Kanji for "corpse" and for "old".
- - -
( Das ganze auf Deutsch )
- - -
