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I'm a wreck.
Sep. 28th, 2003 07:53 pmThe result of the exhausting first half of the weekend is that today I'm totally useless. I'm still sore in places where I didn't even know I had muscles. And after the excitement and stress yesterday, my mind obviously totally let go overnight. Which basically means that my emotions are in a turmoil trying to find their old place again. Gah. I'm taking every tiny thing personally, getting in arguments with everybody, and bursting into tears in the most unfitting places. It doesn't help that my brother has one of his adolescent struggles for power running again. First he claims his computer has gotten slower and that's my fault. Even if that were true, which it is not, that would be rather an unfair reproach coming from someone who blocked my already slow PC with his games for three or four years. Then my mother tells him that Karin (our aunt) has asked whether he might bring one of our cousins who's going to stay with our grand-mother for the autumn vacations back home so she doesn't need to drive, and he explains lengthily how he won't because it was my mother's suggestion and she didn't even ask him (even though she did right now). I step in and try to persuade him because Karin really could need the help, and he shouts at me how he always is on my side when I'm having an argument with my mom but how I always am on her side. Ngah.
My mother pissed me off too, though. After I haven't done anything all the vacation (except for trying to survive all the extra training), she wants me to work at her nursing home again. I know it can be a very rewarding job and is certainly very beneficial, but I just can't, sorry. The problem is that she asks me, but even when I say no, she will still put me on the list there. "For my own good", so to say. I understand in this point where my brother is coming from, but does he have to cause Karin troubles only because my mother suggested helping her?
Since Sensei had asked me to come to the party tonight, I drove to Remscheid. No one was there except me. Probably, that's because they're still in Hagen at the tournament, or in some traffic jam, so no one's to blame. But when I wanted to call someone and ask, my mobile's battery was empty. Returned home. Great. So tomorrow they'll be angry at the Dojo because I wasn't there.
And by now, of course, I'm wondering whether I even deserve that dan. Ochi-sensei rather seemed to want to get it all through quickly, so maybe he just let everyone pass as long as nobody made any really bad mistakes. I certainly messed up some stuff tomorrow.
And I was so happy, yesterday.
Can someone please tell me how I can stop my brain from working over-time?
Fuck it.
I want a hug and a massage. And I want to be able to just enjoy something for once, instead of thinking about it until it gets bad.
- - -
( Ich bin ein Wrack. )
- - -
My mother pissed me off too, though. After I haven't done anything all the vacation (except for trying to survive all the extra training), she wants me to work at her nursing home again. I know it can be a very rewarding job and is certainly very beneficial, but I just can't, sorry. The problem is that she asks me, but even when I say no, she will still put me on the list there. "For my own good", so to say. I understand in this point where my brother is coming from, but does he have to cause Karin troubles only because my mother suggested helping her?
Since Sensei had asked me to come to the party tonight, I drove to Remscheid. No one was there except me. Probably, that's because they're still in Hagen at the tournament, or in some traffic jam, so no one's to blame. But when I wanted to call someone and ask, my mobile's battery was empty. Returned home. Great. So tomorrow they'll be angry at the Dojo because I wasn't there.
And by now, of course, I'm wondering whether I even deserve that dan. Ochi-sensei rather seemed to want to get it all through quickly, so maybe he just let everyone pass as long as nobody made any really bad mistakes. I certainly messed up some stuff tomorrow.
And I was so happy, yesterday.
Can someone please tell me how I can stop my brain from working over-time?
Fuck it.
I want a hug and a massage. And I want to be able to just enjoy something for once, instead of thinking about it until it gets bad.
- - -
( Ich bin ein Wrack. )
- - -
