Tonight's the night!

[oloriel]

a.k.a. still not the summary of last week.

For there are more important things going on tonight! It's Eurovision night! My dirty not-so-secret vice! The night to listen to awful music, watch bizarre performances, and be shamelessly politically incorrect, snarky and merciless! WOO HOO!

Last year's ongoing commentary thing was a lot of fun, so I shall try to do that again. Probably with a slight delay due to food-preparing etc. Hurrah for the timeshift function! (Gonna be some... uh... weird sound! Coming down! On the timeshift! (On the timeshift!)) As you can see, I am already in the proper silly mood.

This entry will be updated as I come up with further stuff, won't that be fun.



Prognosis:
I'm very much afraid that the mood this year will favour Finland's entry. Finland's entry is a wholesome blond boy with a guitar, singing a diabetes-inducing song about a little boy going out to save the planet, hey nonny nonny, and if the King (of Finland? don't ask me) won't help, he'll do it himself! All the while he's smiling the kind of smile you only acquire at the joycamp of Jehovah's Witnesses, no offense to Jehovah's Witnesses. First time during this pregnancy I actually feel the urge to throw up. Probably hits the nerves of the nation (and possibly Europe), though, sort of like Nicole did back in 1982.
I hope I'm wrong.

Hosts:
Ladies and gentlemen, your hosts this year are: A news anchorwoman and two entertainers, one male and one female. Stefan Raab has so far been surprisingly unconvincing, making only ancient jokes that weren't even funny when they were fresh, and also sounding rather wooden, although his English is still a lot better than that of most of our leading politicians. The news anchorwoman is pretty but pretty boring. Anke Engelke, the female comedian, has so far surprised me by appearing fluent in at least French and English, and also being the most entertaining of the trio. And I do not usually like her!
Also, I don't know which is weirder - Stefan Raab not wearing his usual blue shirt but an actual suit, or the red feathery dress, or Judith Raker's... whatever that is supposed to be gown.
EDIT: Or the black dress with the lacy stuff.

Last Year's Winner:
I still wish there was Silmarillion footage just so I could make a Maedhros/Fingon fanvid set to this song. The Lena version, that is. Love, my aim is straight and true!/ Cupid’s arrow's just for you! >:D Ok, even I don't know what to do about the toenails, but I'm sure Helcaraxë frostbite would work somehow.
Yes, I am obsessed, anyone surprised?

Ahem. Back to Düsseldorf (ew!). For what it's worth, at least I'm amused by this cover. Wait, I thought Lena was meant not to sing? Why are we listening to this if she comes on stage in the end, anyway?

Setting the stage/preparing the arena:
MY GOD THE MONEY THIS MUST HAVE COST. Why do people want to win this contest again?

Intros
Cute, but we already saw those during the semifinals.

The Green Room
is pink this year. Yes. You said so during the first semifinal already. And during the second semifinal. We got it by now.




Finland
Oh Gods, here he is. There is not enough Finnish death metal in the world to get this saccharine crap out of my brain. Can we have Lordi back, please?

Bosnia and Herzegovina
I like his voice. I don't like the folksy piano. On the whole, boring. Oh look, a triangle, how exciting!

Denmark
If we took their singer off the stage and replaced him with Freddie Mercury, this would probably be an awesome anthem. As it is... I am unconvinced. Needs more power. WHAT IS THAT SHIRT?

Lithuania
Pseudo-opera stuff. The song is called "C'est ma vie", but I think the language is supposed to be English. Oh wait, now it's French. Rhyming "vie" with "oui": does this still qualify as a rime riche? It might. It certainly is a minimal pair. That's about the best thing I can say about this song.

Hungary
I WILL LOOOOOVE AGAIN! EVEN IF IT TAKES A LIFETIME TO GET OVER YOUUUU! Seriously though, this is particularly unoriginal, isn't it?

Ireland
First pair of twins of the evening. Is it just me or did they not get their dose of Ritalin today? Also, did they steal those shoulderpieces at Starlight Express? Also, will this be over soon? Ireland clearly wants to make sure they won't have to host the next contest.

Sweden
Popular! You're gonna be popu-hu-lar! Oh, I wish. Unfortunately, this is a different "Popular". An uninspired, repetitive, off-key "Popular". I may actually have found Jedward less painful to listen to, and that's saying something. I hope later on no one will try to dance barefoot! Won*'t someone think of the poor Hobbits?!

Estonia
Eye candy! No, not because they're so pretty, but because of all the bright colours. Especially the PINK OMG. Also, the singer's makeup is terrible. Is this a cheap copy of Lily Allen? Even if it's an expensive copy, I think it's dreadful. Is she really singing "One, two, seven, three"?

Greece
Cyprus and Greece sent rather similar entries. Cyprus was slightly less horrible, so of course they didn't reach the finals. This is So. Bad. It's like Rammstein meeting Eminem meeting some Greek bombast rock singer, only worse. I do not want to watch your dance. I want you to go away! Talk to the Finnish boy about your way to God. Or use your flamethrowers on his guitar. Just shut up already!

Russia
Trying to think of an "In Soviet Russia" joke. Can't come up with one. In Soviet Russia, your heartbeat feels you? Whatever. Where the heck is the dirty zone? Can you just go there and not come back?

France
Napoleon in need of a haircut, but holy hell, he can sing! I'll just close my eyes and pretend that his hair didn't look so horrible. I LIKE THIS. It's like an outtake from Les Miserables or something. Definitely going on the "I hope this wins" list. (About time something good came along.)

Italy
I hope this isn't as awful as it sounded in the previews! Ok, it isn't. It definitely isn't my kind of music, though. STOP SHRIEKING PLEASE. - Perversely, the singer's face reminds me a little of kaneda. That's the best thing I can say about this one.

Switzerland
I'm sorry, but whenever I hear a ukulele, I go looking for an obese Hawai'ian guy. To be fair, though, this is sort of cute. Unoriginal though. Nananananaaaaaa.

UK
I'm sorry, but all I can think about when I hear Blue is Love Actually and "We have tiny pricks". Sorry, guys. Song is bearable, but unspectacular. Would probably be better without the obtrusive background rhythm. I might have liked this fifteen years ago, but now it sounds like a cover version of itself. The suits are shiny though.

Moldova
In Moldova, traffic cones are furry. And it's apparently still funny to wear them on your head even when you're nominally grown up. The song is awful and not made better by the unicycling tooth fairy, either. Ok, the trumpet parts are entertaining. Other than that, I want this to be over. They must have funny mushrooms in Moldova, is all I say.

Germany
During the national "qualification", someone dubbed the background dancers' suits "silvery Woody Allen-style sperm costumes". I cannot get that image out of my head. I also - like the person who coined that phrase - had hoped they'd do away with them. Apparently not. Oh well.
The song, I'll have to admit, is catchy, but still feels like something lifted from the 80s.
Also, Heidi Klum called, she wants her smile back.

Romania
I HATE the kind of singing he does! We have a word for that here. It is knödeln, literally, "to dumpling". His voice also reminds me of some other singer I can't stand, but I forgot who. Probably better. Amusingly, the tune, particularly the trumpet bits, sound like something Stefan Raab would come up with.

Austria
Aw, she's cute. Reminds me of Sam's crush in Love Actually, grown up a little. Nice voice, too. The song sounds like something you'd normally hear from Celine Dion, though. Wouldn't mind her winning, but am not enthusiastic.

Azerbaijan
Bearable, but unexciting. Will you stop the flailing? It looks stupid.

Slovenia
And you, too, should stop the flailing. The song's not too bad, but her would-be passionate hand-curling is bloody annoying.

Iceland
Cute backstory. Cute song. My evil side remembers the line about Cute being the little sister of Crap, but never mind. Not my kind of music, but... cute. A song for the beer garden.

Spain
Beach party time. I foresee this being a summer-sunshine-sangria smashhit. Fun but uninspired.

Ukraine
As a Drachenfest LARPer, I can't help thinking that the singer looks like one of the Avatars with those shoulder things. Might be a nice dress design for Elwing, too. Never mind the singer, though, the sand painter is awesome. A live action music video! The little girl looking up at the sky was particularly endearing. And the bird thing towards the end was awesome too. However, I hope this won't win. It'd win only because of the sand paintings, not because of the actual song.

Serbia
The singer is pretty. The song is kind of nice, too. The dancers look like something out of Hairspray and the singer's dress like a 60s wallpaper. Never mind. The background visuals, however, are PAINFUL. My eyes, they hurt. Grievous bodily harm, this is!

Georgia
Cross between Within Temptation, Anastacia and Linkin Park. Yeah, I think that's it. Is that a lot of starch in her skirt or is she just happy to be there?



Fillers
Oh crap, not Jan Delay. I HATE Jan Delay. Go and sing at the Finnish boy and leave me alone.

Yeah, tear down the Third Wall! Seeing the participants in RL, how exciting! And let's not forget that the Green Room is pink this time. YES I GOT IT BY NOW.
I wish they'd offer tv viewers to turn off the extra commentators. Seriously, I understand English and I do not want your crappy translations in your patronising tone. DO NOT WANT. Yes, there are people in Germany who do not understand enough English even for that, but why patronise everyone? It is no doubt technically possible to offer the translations as an add-on rather than as something you cannot bloody turn off. GRAH.

Voting
WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN.
Europe's taste, I do not get it. At least they did not yet vote for Finland, but United Kingdom? Sweden? GREECE?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Everyone seems to be voting for their neighbours. I lost count of how often I said "Hm, their twelve points could go to, who's missing yet? Ah, how about [e.g.] Slovenia?" And then the twelve points went to [e.g.] Slovenia. It ain't coincidence if it's this predictable, darlings.

Oh please, will you learn some day that it is NOT "Our twelves points goes to [...]"? POINTS. PLURAL. GO. GRAMMAR POLICE SAY: POINTS GO.

Ok, the tribute to Paul the Octopus was kind of sweet.

"Herzliche Grüße aus... ANKARA!" If I had been the Turkish guy and had to say this to ANKE, I would not have been able to keep from punning. Not after hours of watching the ESC.

Albania wins the "Danke Anke" prize tonight. Was expecting this to come sooner!

The dress of the Hungarian spokeswoman is scaring me. It looks like pelvic muscles or something. *twitch*

... DUDE. HE ACTUALLY SPOKE GERMAN. YOU DID NOT HAVE TO TRANSLATE THIS FOR US. Also, I love you, Israel, but Düsseldorf is NEVER the capital of carnival. Just no.

Looks like Azerbaijan is going to win. Europe, you are disappointing me. I WANT NAPOLEON BACK. Well not in that way. You know what I mean. :p

Poor Switzerland. They did not deserve to end up that low. :(

Azerbaijan it is. Boooooooring! Am officially disappointed. At least it isn't Finland.

Also, Davy Jones called. He wants his disembodied heartbeat back.

Comments

[rahja.livejournal.com]

Ich hab´s auch geschaut... und bin noch vor der Punktvergabe eingeschlafen... sagt eigentlich alles.

übrigens: diese Hintergrund-Hupfdohlen bei Lena haben mich immer ans MDR-Fernsehballett erinnert. Grausam.

[oloriel.livejournal.com]

Na ich weiß nicht, ob das so viel sagt, Mütter von Kleinkindern sind doch angeblich sowieso immer übermüdet ;)

Haha! Ja, davon hatte es was, stimmt... aber die Bezeichnung "Woody-Allen-Spermienkostüme" werde ich trotzdem nie wieder vergessen, das toppt alles, sogar das Fernsehballett! XD