And now his heart was healed and slain/ with a new life and with new pain...

[oloriel]

It's amazing how easy it is to give counsel and suggestions for certain problems and mistakes and all of a sudden realize that I make the same mistakes and face similar problems for similar reasons, and of course, when I do, I don't keep my own counsel or heed those suggestions...
It's even more amazing how many parts of myself I see mirrored in my special one. And the most amazing part is how much, in spite of my mistakes and faults, in spite of everything I hate about me, how much I feel utterly loved, so much, actually, that it almost scares me because it feels so absolute, so powerful, so pure that I sometimes feel overwhelmed by it really, wondering how I deserve this or what the price might be at some point. Wondering how long it can last, and hoping it can last forever.

If nothing else, the price is mortality.

In other news, you know you're sorta obsessed when, hearing Dido's "Life for Rent", you always understand "but if my life is forfait..." Then it is forfait!
You also know you're obsessed when some stupid Númenorean by name of Erundur starts to take over. He was originally some really minor character showing up at some point of my never to be finished fic, and now he wants his own story told, bloody idiot. And I don't have the time nor the brain space I need as it is.
(maybe some partitioning would be in order?) *cough*

- - -


Es ist erstaunlich, wie einfach man Rat und Vorschläge von sich geben kann, was bestimmte Probleme und Fehler angeht, um dann zu merken, dass man selbst die gleichen Fehler macht und aus ähnlichen Gründen ähnliche Probleme hat; und natürlich, wenn das bei mir der Fall ist, halte ich mich selbst am allerwenigsten an meinen eigenen Rat oder die guten Vorschläge...
Noch erstaunlicher ist, wie viel von mir ich in meinem Liebsten wiedererkenne. Und es ist am allererstaunlichsten ist, wie sehr ich mich, trotz meiner Fehler und Macken, trotz der Dinge, die ich an mir hasse, wie sehr ich mich unglaublich geliebt fühlen kann, so sehr sogar, dass es mir schon wieder Angst macht, weil es sich so absolut, so allmächtig, so rein anfühlt, dass ich mich davon manchmal geradezu überschwemmt fühle und mich frage, wie ich das überhaupt verdient habe, oder was vielleicht irgendwann mal der Preis sein könnte. Mich frage, wie lang es halten kann, und hoffe, dass es für immer hält.

Wenn nichts anderes, ist der Preis immer noch Sterblichkeit.

Um das Thema zu wechseln: Man weiß, dass man wirklich besessen ist, wenn man Didos "Life for Rent" hört und stattdessen "but if my life is forfait..." versteht. Dann ist es verwirkt!
Man weiß auch, dass man besessen ist, wenn so ein dämlicher Númenorer namens Erundur versucht, das Steuer an sich zu reißen. Ursprünglich war er ein völlig unwichtiger Nebencharakter, der an einem Punkt in meiner niemals fertig werdenden Zeitreisemurksgeschichte auftauchte, und jetzt will er seine eigene Geschichte loswerden, verdammter Mistkerl. Und ich hab so schon keine Zeit und keine Gehirnkapazität frei. (Vielleicht mal neu partitionieren?) *hust*


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Comments

[ninquelote.livejournal.com]

You also know you're obsessed when some stupid Númenorean by name of Erundur starts to take over. He was originally some really minor character showing up at some point of my never to be finished fic, and now he wants his own story told, bloody idiot. And I don't have the time nor the brain space I need as it is.
(maybe some partitioning would be in order?) *cough*

Hahah... Know that one too well, unfortunately. ^_^; *thinks of Lomiphel who originally showed up as an 'RP character' and then decided she wanted her entire life story wrtten* Well, there's still room for rent in Anthea Motel if he needs some extra space for a while. We've got quite a few spare rooms rented out to 'supposedly minor characters who suddenly hauled in their own backstory' if he doesn't mind the noise...

As far as 'but have I really earned this? Can it actually last?' I fear I can't say much to reassure because I'm busy going through the same thing... *rubs forehead* As if it's just the setting-up of an elaborate trick the universe is pulling on me, and desire to pull away so I won't get hurt wars with the vague knowledge that I'm already past the point of no return, in some respects.

Hm. I'm babbling and probably confusing everyone, so I guess I should shut up now. :P

[oloriel.livejournal.com]

Actually I think you're making a lot of sense, although I'm already way past beyond the desire to pull away. I'm just wondering at times... but I suppose I'll see.

As for Erundur, I don't think he'd mind the noise, as long as no one there is praying/ sacrificing to Melkor, for then he'd most definitely protest and get himself into trouble, and he has trouble enough as it is with that name...

[ninquelote.livejournal.com]

*nod* I know I'm at the point where I can see clearly that this was the -better- path to take. I guess I'm just always afraid of betrayal of some kind or another, which has come so often in my/our life...

Erundur, hmm? I think our Sindarin dictionary fell down somewhere under the guest registry and an old pizza box... what does it mean? (There is no sacrificing to Melkor occurring on the premises, as far as I know, although cute Númenorean men run the risk of being ogled at. Maybe I should put up a rules sign in all the rooms. Pounding on the walls is permitted if the occupant next door is watching TV too loudly or engaging in conjugal relations too loudly. Coffee is free and all rooms are equipped with a mini-fridge.)

[oloriel.livejournal.com]

The Sindarin dictionary wouldn't help much anyway, it's a Quenya name ;) meaning "servant of Eru", or "devoted to Eru", both of which isn't a good name to have among dinosaurs Saurians... hm, I don't think he'll be in trouble at your place then, but please be kind to him, he's had a hard time lately...

[ninquelote.livejournal.com]

Ah, ok-- well, he won't have any problems here... (and it looks like one of the night managers spilled coffee on the Sindarin dictionary, woops) Don't worry, we're really very kind, despite all our jests to the contrary. ;) and have our fair share of tenants who're getting over bad times of some kind of another. What's he look like, so I'll know who to watch for?

*trying desperately to vacuum popcorn kernels off the carpet in the main office*

[oloriel.livejournal.com]

About like this (http://mitglied.tripod.de/verpeiltenclub/erundur.JPG). He's a bit shy and nervous, so it was hard to get that picture, but I think that's about what he looks like. (His eyes usually aren't quite that big; he's just so shocked I'm actually drawing him, I think.) *pats Erundur* Now go, dear; they'll be nice to you. Or so I hope.

[ninquelote.livejournal.com]

Aw, he's cute. ^^ Well, just drop us a line when you'd like him back and we'll be happy to oblige.

[oloriel.livejournal.com]

Doesn't seem to work. He keeps coming back to me. Damn, I hardly ever had so persistent a character...

[ninquelote.livejournal.com]

Uh-oh. Hope we weren't making too much noise for him? ^^; Well, I suppose you could always sit down in free time and try writing about him, a little bit, maybe just an outline, or more if you want... if that doesn't work, I'm not sure what to tell you, heh.

[oloriel.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I think that's exactly what he wants me to do. Wait... you're in league with him! I knew it!
*coughcough*

And he's really persistent, like...
Lyra *trying to prepare presentation*
Erundur *lurk*
Lyra You again, is it? I'm busy.
Erundur *lurk*
Lyra Which is to say, go. Go! Get thee gone!
Erundur *hush puppy eyes* ...please?
Lyra I'm warning ya. Stop getting on my nerves, or I'll write a particularily nasty end for you.
Erundur That I'm used to.
Lyra I mean it. Like, torture and death in the Temple of Morgoth.
Erundur *unhappy* Well that's exactly what happened, so...
Lyra Aaaah! I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
Erundur Don't be, it's not your fault.
Lyra ... *tries to get on with presentation*
Erundur ... so, will you write about me now?
Lyra ARGH!
And it looks as though it were to be continued...

I don't make much sense nowadays, do I?

[ninquelote.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I think that's exactly what he wants me to do. Wait... you're in league with him! I knew it!

Erm... maybe only insofar as I want to see more about his story! *sweatdrop*

Erundur That I'm used to.
Lyra I mean it. Like, torture and death in the Temple of Morgoth.
Erundur *unhappy* Well that's exactly what happened, so...

Oh, poor dear! @.@ Tell him I'm very sorry although I'm sure it'll sound like an awfully trite response to a thing like that... I do find that dead characters can be terribly persistant in trying to get their stories written, though. c_c I do wonder why, since they're not exactly running on any kind of time limit...

I don't make much sense nowadays, do I?

You make more sense than I do these days, with babbling on about crazy dreams in my journal. ^^; Don't worry, you're still a long way from being incomprehensible by my standards. (For whatever that's worth.)

[oloriel.livejournal.com]

I do wonder why, since they're not exactly running on any kind of time limit...

Maybe there is some mysterious deal that you can be reborn, or stop rebirth, or get out of Hell, or whatever religious system applies, if you get someone living to write down your story? But there's a certain deadline (no pun intended), and if no one did until then, you don't get another chance...
Hm, interesting theory. I think I'll keep it in mind for stories to come.

Oh, poor dear! @.@ Tell him I'm very sorry although I'm sure it'll sound like an awfully trite response to a thing like that...

I think he says thank you, and he couldn't think of anything else to say, let alone anything better, so it's alright. Be careful, he might be planning to leave me and harass you... ;)