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olorielMeanwhile - not while helping Felix to sleep, but more generally - I have been feeling restless.
I am currently absurdly addicted to checking various internet job search sites on an almost-daily basis, looking for stuff that's in my area of expertise AND desire. (There actually is a thin line where my education and my dreams sort of coincide; and around that line, there are things that a) I would like to do and I'm almost qualified for them, or that b) I'm qualified for and probably wouldn't mind too much doing. I've actually sent out a couple of applications and am considering sending out more. If I could bottle my current mood, it would be a smash hit with the job office.
I'm questioning my motivation, (more than) a bit. Yes, I need a job at some point - I don't want to be a housewife forever; I'm crap at housewifing, except for cooking - and we definitely could use a proper second income. On the other hand, is now the right time? We'd have to pay someone else to look after Felix (all his grandparents are still working), and there are no jobs of the sort I'm looking for nearby, I'd have to drive everywhere. Relocation is not an option, we're married to this house. So really, with the entry-level salary I'm looking at, I'd either bring home very little of it or would actually pay more than I earned. Which is not worth it if the true reason why I'm taking a job is "I'm tired of sitting at home with the toddler all day, all week". But that is certainly part of the motivation. The only hobbies I currently have are those I can do at home, like sewing, gardening or writing; all of these are seriously hampered by Felix, who of course has no patience for mommy doing other things. What little time I have for creative work is mostly used writing articles, which at least pay between $5 and $10 per each, to feel less useless. I would love to start Kyûdô again. I would love to join one of the local choirs. None of that is possible, at the moment, because everyone who is actually making money around here has such erratic schedules that I don't have a regular babysitter even for a few hours every week. And I'm feeling like something in me is withering, I seriously do. I'm not much of an extrovert, but I do need social intercourse every now and then. Good grief, at the moment my only source of social intercourse is Family Church on Sundays, because that's a social gathering where toddlers are explicitly welcome!
But I mustn't be selfish; I must leave other people their hobbies, particularly if those hobbies pay or if they are their only outlet from work. It's just that I need an outlet, too. And apparently, I'm currently channeling that need into applications, because if I had a job, everyone would understand that I'm not at home watching the kid. (Whom I love dearly, by the way. My frustration has nothing to do with not loving Felix.)
Oh well. So far, I haven't heard back from any of the applications, anyway. One place at least sent a "Thank you for applying, we'll let you know about our decision in due course, don't call us, we'll call you" letter; since then, nothing. I guess "part-time" and "one child" are kind of off-putting to employers. If I do hear back from them after all; if they would actually hire me for one of my dream jobs; well, it would at least be a foot in the door. It's all two-year contracts, anyway. Two years: Is not that awkward, with half a year probation; and what about our plans to have a second child about now? But I guess I shouldn't bother with the less-than-dream-jobs.
I'm officially self-employed, but I think I shall call that off; I didn't want it in the first place, but it seemed like a chance at the time. Now that the person who initiated it has turned out to be rather less reliable than expected, and myself not exactly apt at promoting myself to find another employer, and sort of burned on that, anyway, there isn't much sense in it anymore. The little writing I get done doesn't pay enough to even get close to the line drawn between "recreational freelancing" and "professional freelancing".
I am obviously long enough out of university that I'm looking back at it with a longing eye. (One of the jobs I applied for was actually a university job -- teaching English linguistics at the university in Essen.) I'm wondering whether maybe I should try for a Ph.D.. I did enjoy doing research; after a couple of years being forced to do it, I even enjoyed presenting the results of my research. And if I wanted to go beyond the entry-level two-years-only internship step of any of my current dream jobs, I'd need a Ph.D. anyway. And it would probably be at least vaguely compatible with childcare -- as compatible as my article-writing is, at least, and rather more prestigious. On the other hand, I spectacularly failed to impress with my master's thesis. I'd have to go back to the professor I disappointed by failing to impress with that thesis, apologise and convince him that I can do better, honestly, I swear, give me another chance. By now, even that sounds vaguely appealing, at least if it worked. So, to Ph.D. or not to Ph.D.?
If I don't hear from any of the jobs, particularly those starting on Nov. 1 :P, I would like to participate in NaNoWriMo. There's a story snippet I wrote for B2MeM that has been wanting to grow into a novel ever since March. Actually, I would file off the serial numbers (the only thing that made it fanfic was the appearance of Maglor at some point, anyway, and he could easily be some other nobleman with a reputation for music, doesn't even need to be Elvish) and turn it into O-fic. Thanks to The Hobbit, there will soon be a market for traditional fantasy travel literature again. Thanks to PJ's decision to turn it into a trilogy, I'd have three years to finish that novel and find a publisher. That, too, sounds appealing.
But the chances of succeeding are probably higher with a Ph.D. thesis. :/
And that concludes your update on the state of the Lyra, Desperate Housewife (M.A.). And yes, I know, I know, First World Problems.
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Date: 2012-10-18 09:52 pm (UTC)I always was torn between wanting to spend more time at home with my kids and wanting satisfying work that earned me some big bucks! I was never anything but a desperate housewife when I was at home. Working hard at home was only marginally better. I needed to get out of the house.
I am sure you will find a happy balance!
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Date: 2012-10-18 11:05 pm (UTC)I chose to go back to work because I had no choice, we did need the money. I convinced myself that in the end it's not the amount of time you spend with your child that matters most, but the quality of that time together. That worked for us. :o)
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Date: 2012-10-19 06:19 am (UTC)The trick to not going nuts when one's life is spent in the company of someone who can't converse yet is to not sit at home any more than one absolutely must. Even if you're limited to going on foot, or have to take the stroller on the bus, get out in the world every day; it makes all the difference.
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Date: 2012-10-19 06:32 am (UTC)Leider wird das für mich eher nicht möglich sein, in nächster Zeit. Nur ein Einkommen wäre schlicht zu wenig.
Und ich kann mir sehr, sehr gut vorstellen, dass du dringend raus musst, von Zeit zu Zeit. Und sei es auch nur um mal eine Konversation zu haben, die nicht auf Kleinkind-Level stattfindet.
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Date: 2012-10-19 08:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-10-19 08:42 am (UTC)Das ist zugegebenermaßen Selbsteinschätzung, basierend auf den Erwartungen, mit denen er an die Sache rangegangen ist (totaler Enthusiasmus) und dem Ergebnis (2,7). Ich hab nie nachgefragt, ob ich mit der Einschätzung recht habe. Vielleicht ist auch das ein Grund, das Thema mal anzusprechen :P
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Date: 2012-10-19 08:59 am (UTC)Ja, das ist es halt. Ich bin ja nicht NUR Mama. Und ich sehe bei Freunden von Jörg, wie sich das irgendwann festfährt, wenn man nicht beizeiten für Ausgleich sorgt :P
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Date: 2012-10-19 09:00 am (UTC)Und mir geht's jobmäßig gerade ähnlich, ich hätte auch größere Chancen, wenn ich mich einfach auf alles bewerben würde. Aber ich hab schon so oft erlebt, dass Leute aus einem Job, der nur ein Übergang sein sollte, dann feststeckten oder nicht mehr in die Sparte, in die sie eigentlich wollten, zurückkommen konnten.
Ich glaube du hast deine Erwartungen da so astronomisch hochgeschraubt, dass sich das für dich viel schlimmer anfühlt, als es ist. Wenn dir akademisches Arbeiten Spaß macht, warum nicht einen Doktor dranhängen? Ich würde ihn wirklich mal nach einer realistischen Einschätzung fragen.
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Date: 2012-10-19 09:06 am (UTC)But that's something else that makes a Ph.D. so appealing: I'd still be at home a lot, but (I imagine) I'd no longer feel so static. I'd be getting somewhere, and it would be a plus later on. And it doesn't collide with our plans to have a second baby, either.
You're probably right there. But as long as I don't really have any reason to go out, I'm kind of lacking the impetus, so to say. And we're out in the middle of nowhere: You can take wonderful walks, but if you want to get "out in the world", that takes rather a lot of effort and planning.
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Date: 2012-10-19 09:24 am (UTC)Some kids I've met actually seem to have blossomed once they no longer spent all their time at home with mommy - the challenge and social interaction they get elsewhere can be really good for them. So really, I don't think it makes anyone a bad parent who has to work and thus gets to spend less time with their kids. At some point, Felix is going to go to kindergarten (or school, eventually!) and see less of me anyway! I'm just doubtful because I have (as yet) the luxury of choice. And because he is a bit too young for kindergarten, so finding a caretaker is somewhat more tricky (not to mention expensive) :P
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Date: 2012-10-19 09:36 am (UTC)Ganz einfach, oder?
Aber Spaß beiseite: ich würde es - ehrlich gesagt - sehr schwierig finden, unseren Lebensstandard jetzt wieder einem Gehalt anzupassen. Es würde sicher IRGENDWIE gehen, das ist keine Frage. Aber ... naja, es wäre schon eine massive Einschränkung. Daher halte ich es auch klug von dir, das gleich zu machen, wenn du es wirklich machen willst.
Und das mit den Konversationen kenne ich (so gemein es klingt) auch von meiner Arbeit. Da gibts ein paar solche Klopfköpfe mit Tunnelblick, dass jede Unterhaltung mit einem Kleinkind dagegen nobelpreisverdächtig wäre ...
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Date: 2012-10-19 09:36 am (UTC)Davor habe ich halt auch Angst. Deswegen gönne ich mir jetzt, solange es noch geht, den Luxus, da wählerisch zu sein. Aber das hat tatsächlich eine Woche Überlegungsarbeit gekostet - die letzten paar Tage hatte ich einen richtigen Panikflash von wegen "Mach IRGENDWAS, sonst kommst du NIE aus der Falle raus, auch wenn du bis Bonn fahren musst, EGAL". *augenroll*
Ich bin bald soweit. Was vielleicht auch ein Zeichen dafür ist, dass es eine gute Idee ist. Unmittelbar nach dem Studium hätte ich das für undenkbar gehalten (also, ihn darauf anzusprechen - dabei war er in der mündlichen Prüfung "trotzdem" sehr freundlich!). Naja, da war ich eh nicht so rational drauf :P
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Date: 2012-10-19 09:42 am (UTC)Yes, that's it. I need a different working environment, as well as contact to other people doing similar stuff. I just don't have that at home, so I need to get out some. We will see!
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Date: 2012-10-19 09:45 am (UTC)Ich glaube auch, dass das eine gute Idee ist. :)
Naja, da war ich eh nicht so rational drauf :P
Wer ist das zu der Zeit schon xD
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Date: 2012-10-19 10:02 am (UTC)Vor allem bin ich jetzt halt auch noch nicht sooo lange aus der Uni raus, dass ich mir alles neu anarbeiten müsste. Also, irgendwo ist der ganze theoretische Grundbau ja noch abrufbar, und ich habe nur zwei Jahre aktuelle Forschung verpasst (wenn überhaupt) - das kann man noch aufholen. In ein paar Jahren wäre das auch schwieriger.
Wenn ich so viele gute Gründe erfinde, heißt das wahrscheinlich wirklich, dass ich mir einfach mal ein Herz fassen sollte :P
Nicht mal nur wegen der Konversationen. Bei Jörgs Trauzeugen ist es z.B. so, dass er SEHR viel arbeitet (er verdient auch SEHR gut). Dadurch "kann" sie zuhause bei den drei Kindern bleiben. Wenn er dann zuhause ist, stürzt er sich in seine Hobbies, bei denen er sich im Kämmerlein verschließen kann - hat er sich verdient, ist ja sein Ausgleich von der Arbeit, bitte nicht stören. Viel miteinander zu tun haben sie so nicht mehr, und glücklich wirken sie auch nicht. So möchten wir auf keinen Fall enden.
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Date: 2012-10-19 11:05 pm (UTC)There's just this whole difference of experience for a child who comes in to an early-childhood class already knowing how to use the bathroom, change his clothes, eat nicely at the table with utensils, share toys and use his words, and one who comes in without those skills - thus has to be taught them by someone who's simultaneously caring for a dozen other children, some of whom also have to be taught them, and none of whom know her well, or are known well by her.
Before my daughter was born, and for two years after, I was lead teacher for a daycare class of 14 two-to four-year-olds, most of whose parents worked full-time. I had one teacher's aide - or rather a series of teacher's aides, because the hours were long, the work was hard and the pay was piffling. The law required one adult for every seven children, so when an aide quit, the daycare would basically hire the first person to apply who could pass a cursory police check, in order to remain in compliance. I had aides who'd never changed a diaper; aides who couldn't sweep a floor properly; one aide I had to get fired because although he never did anything specific, he was setting off my Creep Alert big-time.
Half the class was nominally potty-trained, the other half still in diapers; the law required diapers be changed every two hours - LOL, I think I'm the fastest diaper-changer in the West. We sanitized everything constantly with bleach water, washed hands religiously, and still had waves of illnesses all year long, passing from kid to kid and also to the teachers and parents. Note that this was the top-of-the-line daycare in a very affluent professional community - lots of doctors' and lawyers' kids - and had the best quality of care of any center I worked in.
My husband was teaching the 4-to-5-year-old class, and our daughter was in the infant room, with just two other babies and a wonderful grandmotherly caregiver. But then when she was approaching age 2, she would have been going into the toddler room, with one lead teacher, two ever-changing aides, and 17 other toddlers, most of them with constantly-slimy noses. That's when I went back to private nannying, so she wouldn't have to be in that class.
I'm the best nanny money can buy - LOL, Mary Poppins in boots and jeans; cuter than Nanny McPhee, with better songs than Maria von Trapp - at the price one would expect for that, with the highest standards of safety, kindness, good nutrition and positive learning-experiences. I won't take on more than five children at a time; not more than two still in diapers, because that is the maximum number any one person can care for properly, no matter how good she is at it, how much she loves them, and how carefully childproofed the environment is.
Half-day pre-school is fine at age 4 or a bit older, depending on the child's temperament and stage of development - there's no point in putting a kid in a 'learning environment' if he's going to cry for the first twenty minutes every day, or get run over by bolder, more developed children all the time; that teaches lessons nobody needs to learn. Cooperative playgroups, where parents take turns having a weekly or bi-weekly play-date, are a good way to get children younger than that accustomed to interacting with other kids, while still in a safe at-home environment.
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Date: 2012-10-19 11:38 pm (UTC)One thing that really saved my mental equilibrium, in the days when I spent most of my waking hours running after knee-biters, was the pennywhistle. One can't read a book while supervising young children, and chattering away at them all the time can wear pretty thin, but the pennywhistle simultaneously enhances the child's environment and occupies the adult mind, while allowing the adult eyes to remain fastened hawk-like to the child all the while. It also does great things for one's aerobic capacity and makes one popular at the Festivals.
I have a certain call-song I play on the pennywhistle when I want the kids to come to me - it's my own arrangement of 'Sidhe Beag, Sidhe Mor', and all the children I look after learn it, so once they're old enough, they can run (relatively) free till I want them. Of course, when my daughter was about 10, I did have to remind her and her friend that the song meant "Come to me now", not "Mom's coming; quick, hide!", and that their relative freedom depended on remembering that. But you've got a few years yet before your boy's up to that sort of trick. Get yourself a pennywhistle, key of D; put it on a cord you can wear around your neck - seriously, you'll be amazed how much it helps.
Of course, getting your Ph.D would also help, and so would getting your stories published. But you've already produced your masterpiece - your first, at least, since you plan to produce another - and these first years are the most important of his life. So unless you find someone whom you truly believe will do a better job of caring for your son than you will - not just "as good" a job of it, but better - it's not to his advantage to be in someone else's care. And from HIS point of view, no matter how wonderful someone else may be, she is not Mama, and can't even begin to compare.
I've never once heard anybody express regret that they spent too much time with their children when they were young. Nor have I ever heard anybody say that when they were little, their parents spent too much time with them. Early childhood seems to last forever while it's going on, but once it's past, it's past, and seems so very fleeting in retrospect - whatever you decide, cherish this time with your tiny boy, because he'll be towering over you before you know it, and the memories you make now will be all that any of you get to keep of his childhood. .
.
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Date: 2012-10-20 06:51 am (UTC)But as we will very likely face the choice Lyra has to make in the near future, too this topic is somewhat close to my heart, too.
Of course, getting your Ph.D would also help, and so would getting your stories published. But you've already produced your masterpiece
Basically, I don't get why a mother's life is often seen at it's peak as soon as a child is there and after that nothing "better" can come anymore. I want to have childreen, but I surely do not see them as my ultimate life's fulfilment after which there isn't anything to strive for. I can absolutely see that other women see this different and respect their choice in that regard (as I said, my late mom in law was one of them). But for me, a fulfilled life also contains other challenges. A lot of my husband's colleagues (he is doing his PhD right now) have small children because it is actually great timing writing it when they are still small.
And from HIS point of view, no matter how wonderful someone else may be, she is not Mama, and can't even begin to compare.
Why is a mother who is at home full day but secretely frustrated about the life she leads (again, I am not saying every mother is that automatically!) better for a kid than a mom who is only home half a day but content? I am very sure that I would be a horrible mother when I would stay home for several years.
It's true, I haven't heard anybody who regretted spending too much time with their kids. But I also know quite a few people who regretted when the kids were adults and out of the house that they didn't take Chance X or Opportunity Y when they were still young enough to master it.
I don't say that what you say is wrong - just that it is not the ideal way for each and every mother.
Typos and mistakes are to be blamed on the early hour ;)
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Date: 2012-10-20 08:47 am (UTC)*nods sagely* My dad wrote his MD thesis (well, his medical Ph.D. thesis would be a better translation, I guess?) during the first two years of my life. There are cute pictures of Baby Me sitting on the ground pouring over a page he threw out because of too many mistakes (those were the typewriter days, of course), him sitting at the typewriter, and all the books he needed neatly stacked in the playpen, because that was the one place I definitely wouldn't go. XD
It's true, I haven't heard anybody who regretted spending too much time with their kids. But I also know quite a few people who regretted when the kids were adults and out of the house that they didn't take Chance X or Opportunity Y when they were still young enough to master it.
Yeah, this.
Interestingly enough, my mom later on expressed regret that she had spent so much time out of the house -- when we were teenagers. My brother and I said, simultaneously, "Sorry, this is gonna sound harsh, but... we were teenagers. We were glad whenever we could be on our own."
I don't recall ever having been unhappy with our daycare situation. Granted, you don't recall much of your experiences at age 2, but what I remember is all warm and happy except for the part where I stole some smurf toys from our nanny's living room. (I don't think anyone ever noticed or cared, but I still feel guilty about it, 28 years later...)
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Date: 2012-10-20 09:27 am (UTC)[...]
Note that this was the top-of-the-line daycare in a very affluent professional community - lots of doctors' and lawyers' kids - and had the best quality of care of any center I worked in.
This is going to sound a bit snide, but...
not in Germany, not now.
I respect your expertise and experience, but it doesn't actually compare to what we find here.
You bring up a lot of points that I don't necesssarily disagree with, but the point remains that at some point I will have to work (Jörg's business is going out of business in a few years, so while he is trying to find a new job, that's not all that simple at his age, and if he finds something, it may not pay as well as his current job; we're having to pay for the house; I will need a retirement fund of my own. We're just making ends meet as it is, so it's a kind of fragile balance). It is also a fact that the later you try to get into a job, the harder it gets - particularly if you don't have any previous work experience worth mentioning and look for an entry-level job in a specific field. That is something I have to consider. Otherwise, I may in a few years end up having to work as a secretary or cashier - because I stayed at home with Felix for too long.
I know a lot of mothers who did what you're advising me to do, and who either never got back into the working world or had to take jobs far below their qualifications and interests. I don't know who you've been talking to, but I've heard those women express a lot of regret for spending too much time at home, either explicitly or through the way they treat their kids or through their expectations for their kids' lives ("I never lived up to my talents because I had YOU, so YOU better make the best of your life"). Because all too often, the child ends up getting blamed for the mother's foiled ambitions.
I do not want to end like that.
Like Chili (and others), I don't think kids are happier with a discontent mother whom they see 24/7, as opposed to a happy working mother whom they "only" see 14 to 18 hours a day.
Getting a Ph.D. is actually very family-friendly, especially if it doesn't come with a side job of teaching (though I wouldn't mind that, either) - aside from library time and colloquia, you're still basically doing all your work from home.
But you've already produced your masterpiece
I have produced one of my masterpieces, yes. But my love for Felix would not diminish if he had any siblings (nor would I love the siblings less than Felix, I hope!). So why should it diminish if I were to, like, actually qualify for the job I want to have once Felix no longer wants to see me 24/7?
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Date: 2012-10-20 12:12 pm (UTC)And yeah, same for me. My parents worked more or less my whole childhood, my mother mostly half-time but also full time. I still have contact to both of my nannys. The first one only stopped to work because she adopted a child of her own (who is now mother of the most adorable redhead I know) and the second one was our nanny since I was four and my brother a baby and she is still working for my parents and treated like a family member by all of us. I had a wonderful childhood and never the feeling that I missed out on anything.
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Date: 2012-10-20 12:16 pm (UTC)I can't stress that enough. All parties of