As it turns out, he was just tired and needed help falling asleep.

[oloriel]

Meanwhile - not while helping Felix to sleep, but more generally - I have been feeling restless.

I am currently absurdly addicted to checking various internet job search sites on an almost-daily basis, looking for stuff that's in my area of expertise AND desire. (There actually is a thin line where my education and my dreams sort of coincide; and around that line, there are things that a) I would like to do and I'm almost qualified for them, or that b) I'm qualified for and probably wouldn't mind too much doing. I've actually sent out a couple of applications and am considering sending out more. If I could bottle my current mood, it would be a smash hit with the job office.

I'm questioning my motivation, (more than) a bit. Yes, I need a job at some point - I don't want to be a housewife forever; I'm crap at housewifing, except for cooking - and we definitely could use a proper second income. On the other hand, is now the right time? We'd have to pay someone else to look after Felix (all his grandparents are still working), and there are no jobs of the sort I'm looking for nearby, I'd have to drive everywhere. Relocation is not an option, we're married to this house. So really, with the entry-level salary I'm looking at, I'd either bring home very little of it or would actually pay more than I earned. Which is not worth it if the true reason why I'm taking a job is "I'm tired of sitting at home with the toddler all day, all week". But that is certainly part of the motivation. The only hobbies I currently have are those I can do at home, like sewing, gardening or writing; all of these are seriously hampered by Felix, who of course has no patience for mommy doing other things. What little time I have for creative work is mostly used writing articles, which at least pay between $5 and $10 per each, to feel less useless. I would love to start Kyûdô again. I would love to join one of the local choirs. None of that is possible, at the moment, because everyone who is actually making money around here has such erratic schedules that I don't have a regular babysitter even for a few hours every week. And I'm feeling like something in me is withering, I seriously do. I'm not much of an extrovert, but I do need social intercourse every now and then. Good grief, at the moment my only source of social intercourse is Family Church on Sundays, because that's a social gathering where toddlers are explicitly welcome!

But I mustn't be selfish; I must leave other people their hobbies, particularly if those hobbies pay or if they are their only outlet from work. It's just that I need an outlet, too. And apparently, I'm currently channeling that need into applications, because if I had a job, everyone would understand that I'm not at home watching the kid. (Whom I love dearly, by the way. My frustration has nothing to do with not loving Felix.)

Oh well. So far, I haven't heard back from any of the applications, anyway. One place at least sent a "Thank you for applying, we'll let you know about our decision in due course, don't call us, we'll call you" letter; since then, nothing. I guess "part-time" and "one child" are kind of off-putting to employers. If I do hear back from them after all; if they would actually hire me for one of my dream jobs; well, it would at least be a foot in the door. It's all two-year contracts, anyway. Two years: Is not that awkward, with half a year probation; and what about our plans to have a second child about now? But I guess I shouldn't bother with the less-than-dream-jobs.

I'm officially self-employed, but I think I shall call that off; I didn't want it in the first place, but it seemed like a chance at the time. Now that the person who initiated it has turned out to be rather less reliable than expected, and myself not exactly apt at promoting myself to find another employer, and sort of burned on that, anyway, there isn't much sense in it anymore. The little writing I get done doesn't pay enough to even get close to the line drawn between "recreational freelancing" and "professional freelancing".

I am obviously long enough out of university that I'm looking back at it with a longing eye. (One of the jobs I applied for was actually a university job -- teaching English linguistics at the university in Essen.) I'm wondering whether maybe I should try for a Ph.D.. I did enjoy doing research; after a couple of years being forced to do it, I even enjoyed presenting the results of my research. And if I wanted to go beyond the entry-level two-years-only internship step of any of my current dream jobs, I'd need a Ph.D. anyway. And it would probably be at least vaguely compatible with childcare -- as compatible as my article-writing is, at least, and rather more prestigious. On the other hand, I spectacularly failed to impress with my master's thesis. I'd have to go back to the professor I disappointed by failing to impress with that thesis, apologise and convince him that I can do better, honestly, I swear, give me another chance. By now, even that sounds vaguely appealing, at least if it worked. So, to Ph.D. or not to Ph.D.?

If I don't hear from any of the jobs, particularly those starting on Nov. 1 :P, I would like to participate in NaNoWriMo. There's a story snippet I wrote for B2MeM that has been wanting to grow into a novel ever since March. Actually, I would file off the serial numbers (the only thing that made it fanfic was the appearance of Maglor at some point, anyway, and he could easily be some other nobleman with a reputation for music, doesn't even need to be Elvish) and turn it into O-fic. Thanks to The Hobbit, there will soon be a market for traditional fantasy travel literature again. Thanks to PJ's decision to turn it into a trilogy, I'd have three years to finish that novel and find a publisher. That, too, sounds appealing.

But the chances of succeeding are probably higher with a Ph.D. thesis. :/

And that concludes your update on the state of the Lyra, Desperate Housewife (M.A.). And yes, I know, I know, First World Problems.

Comments

[oloriel.livejournal.com]

Ich habe da das Glück, dass meine Oma selber schon früh wieder arbeiten war (wenn man über der Apotheke wohnt, in der man arbeitet, ist das natürlich auch nicht so schwer zu vereinbaren :P), ebenso meine Mutter (weiter weg, dank befreundeter Tagesmutter). Die haben also schon einmal viel Verständnis. Schwiegermuttern bemüht sich immerhin um Toleranz, und mit der väterlichen Seite der Familie, die eher die traditionelle Hausfrau-und-Mutter-Schiene fahren, habe ich eh nicht sooo viel Kontakt. Außerdem weiß ich ja, dass das eigentlich nur in Deutschland als Problem empfunden wird - bei vielen unserer Nachbarn sind Krippen und Tagespflege für Kleinkinder ja eher die Norm, ohne dass dabei jetzt lauter emotional verkrüppelte Dänen und Franzosen rumkämen :P Wenn ich mich bei unseren Bekannten umschaue, kenne ich sogar drei Kinder, die richtig aufgeblüht sind, als sie "endlich" in den Kindergarten kamen. Natürlich KANN sowas auch schiefgehen, aber es muss jedenfalls nicht zwangsläufig schlimm sein.

Davor habe ich halt auch Angst. Deswegen gönne ich mir jetzt, solange es noch geht, den Luxus, da wählerisch zu sein. Aber das hat tatsächlich eine Woche Überlegungsarbeit gekostet - die letzten paar Tage hatte ich einen richtigen Panikflash von wegen "Mach IRGENDWAS, sonst kommst du NIE aus der Falle raus, auch wenn du bis Bonn fahren musst, EGAL". *augenroll*

Ich bin bald soweit. Was vielleicht auch ein Zeichen dafür ist, dass es eine gute Idee ist. Unmittelbar nach dem Studium hätte ich das für undenkbar gehalten (also, ihn darauf anzusprechen - dabei war er in der mündlichen Prüfung "trotzdem" sehr freundlich!). Naja, da war ich eh nicht so rational drauf :P

[chili-das-schaf.livejournal.com]

Ich hab da von der Seite meiner Familie gottseidank auch nur Verständnis. Meine Mama ging fast sofort wieder halbtags arbeiten, wir hatten eine ganz fantastische Tagesmutter, die auch jetzt noch im Haushalt hilft und sowas wie ein Familienmitglied ist. Wir werden, wenns mal soweit ist, gar keine Wahl haben, als auf eine Krippe zurückzugreifen, achen uns aber auch keinen großartigen Kopf drum.

Ich glaube auch, dass das eine gute Idee ist. :)


Naja, da war ich eh nicht so rational drauf :P

Wer ist das zu der Zeit schon xD