Probably not the update you're looking for

[oloriel]

I should talk about what we did on this lovely warm and sunny September weekend --- what do you mean, November? Don't shit me, we don't get 20°C in November! -- Anyway, I should talk about what we managed to get done, but that'll have to wait. (Indefinitely, possibly.)

Instead, I'll talk about my second visit to the psycho-counsellor.



She met Felix in person when she visited the Kindergarten on Friday. It went well. (Unexpectedly, as far as I am concerned.)

This is what she described:
"I came in after the older children had already gone upstairs for the Halloween party*, so it was a smaller group than usual. I had the impression that Felix enjoyed having fewer children around. There were spooky treats for the younger children, which Felix sampled after having finished his breakfast²; he especially seemed to like the salty variety.
He then sat down with a puzzle. After a while I sat down next to him.³
Because you told me that he likes numbers, I made contact by talking to him about the number of puzzle pieces. He readily counted the puzzle pieces for me - correctly - and when I said 'So if this is the first and this is the second, that one is...?" he said 'The third.' Even 'the threeth' would have been an accomplishment at his age. Then I asked what colour the frame of the puzzle was, and he said 'This side is yellow and that side is turquoise.' I asked him about what was on the puzzle, and he said "It's a cow, c-o-w. It goes moo, m-o-o."⁴ That's all far ahead of his age, you know. ⁵
You really weren't kidding about his love for letters and numbers.
While Felix and I were talking about the puzzle, other children were drawn to us. He tolerated their presence, I even had the impression that he enjoyed the attention.
When he was done with the puzzle and tidied it away, I went to talk to his teachers. Felix remained sitting, but said to me, 'I want to sit beside you'. I found that really charming, I must say.⁶ He accepted when I told him that I had to speak with his teachers now, however.
He went to the play-area, you know, the fenced one with the ball path and bead frame and tunnel. Two little girls were already at play there. Their game was to crawl through the tunnel, run in a circle through the play-area, then crawl back out. Felix joined them. There was a little deadlock while he had to figure out that only one person could crawl through the tunnel at once, and it couldn't always be him, but they managed to sort that out without fighting and then played their running game together.
I think he is a nice child.⁷ I am now convinced that his violent behaviour is an ill-gone attempt to establish distance or contact, and clearly not malicious."
* * *

In the past weeks, I've noticed that Felix social behaviour got "better" (that is, he got somewhat more proficient at it). At home, that is. He'd say things like "Please don't sit there, Felix doesn't want you to sit there" or "Stop doing that, I don't like it" (he now starts to use the 1st person, though not reliably - but hey, he's practicing!). He also asks for things: "Mom, can you help me with that?" - "Please cut this up smaller." - "Read it to me, please." So he communicates instead of grabbing, hitting or shoving. Or whining. Mind you, he's still stubborn as a - a member of our family, and if he doesn't get what he's asking for, he'll whine after all. But not as a first resort, at least! -- Yesterday evening when we were out for dinner (we'd been working all afternoon and it was getting late - well, not really late, but you know, dark outside, so when Jörg suggested that we'd eat out at a Greek restaurant, I wasn't angry that I didn't have to cook ;)), there was another family with a little boy (maybe half a year younger than Felix). Felix actually initiated contact with the other boy (without hitting!) and played a sort of one-sided tag (that is, he ran away, but the other boy didn't follow; Felix came back, jumped on the spot, and said "I'd like you to come with me!", ran away again, noticed that the other boy again didn't follow, came back... the other boy's contribution was to say "he gone!" when Felix ran away, or clap his hands and say "he back!" when Felix returned.) Sometimes when Felix stopped in front of S., I think I saw something flash in his eyes - the urge to push or hit, I suspect - that Felix barely struggled down. But he did struggle it down.
He also talks about some of the other kids in his group now (by name), which I take to mean that he sees them as interesting individuals, rather than annoying entities that just happen to share the same room.
In conclusion, I am now confident that with some practice and some useful tools (like ready-made sentences -- some of the things he says are things I've suggested to him for times of frustration), he'll get past hitting and shoving altogether, and may actually come to enjoy the company of other kids. (Which, as the S. episode and also the play-area story show, he actively seeks after a while.)

To be honest, now that I'm reassured that he's not acting out of malice but needs a bit more time to become proficient in that field, I'd be perfectly happy to just let things run their course. Naturally helping him a little with things he clearly finds difficult, but you know, no therapy or early support. It's gonna work out by itself. I think.

The counsellor thinks a little different. She thinks we really should establish properly just why Felix' development is so divergent (let's remember that he isn't actually behind his age anywhere; there are just some fields where he shows the behaviour of a just-three-year-old, and some in which he shows the behaviour of a six-year-old). He could be savant or gifted or on the autistic spectrum (yes, all of these ideas have crossed my mind as well, and I'm not certain whether it's a matter of "or", either), and we should know exactly which it is because that way, we can help him get over hurdles that may mean for him, and also to encourage him in his talents. I suppose she's got a point (though to be honest I think a lot of that can still be done more or less intuitively, without any sort of formal framework), but I'm not too fond of the idea of testing Felix for... anything. It always carries a sort of stigma. Kids can be fast, or slow, or "really obsessed with...", or "a bit shy". But say they're "gifted" or "on the spectrum" and there's immediately an implicature of entitlement.

But I'm a good Mom Who Cooperates, and things are now in motion, so I suppose there's no stopping them.
Meh.



- - -
*Germans don't really do Halloween, but like any excuse for a party, elements of the American Halloween have been established here, e.g. dress-up parties with spooky food for kids (nice) or lots of booze for grown-ups (not my cuppa) and jack-o-lantern decorations. In regions that don't do wassailling for St. Martin's, "Trick or Treat"ing has also apparently spread.

²! I really would have thought that he'd ignore his sandwich-and-apple in favour of salty snacks. I'm favourably impressed that without me around, he stuck to the rule of "real food first, snacks afterwards". It doesn't work nearly as well at home.

³At which I held my breath. At this point, I'd already have expected a "Go away, Felix doesn't want you here!" But she seems to have gone about it very considerately.

⁴I'm obviously translating from German here, where spelling is a little more intuitive but still wonky enough. In German, "cow" and "moo" (Kuh and muh) rhyme, but that unfortunately gets lost in translation.

⁵Yes. I know.

⁶I went "Awwww". So yeah, I clearly found it charming, too.

⁷Most of the time, yes, which makes the other times so heart-breaking.

Comments

[oloriel.livejournal.com]

Gestern im Kindergarten:
Der kleine Leon kommt zu mir gelaufen und sagt: "Sag mal, weißt du eigentlich, dass der Felix voll frech ist?"
Und ich so: "Ja, ich weiß. Das hat mir die Frau S. gesagt."
Und er so: "Ich möcht mal wissen, wer den erzogen hat!"
Und ich versuch so, ernst zu bleiben: "Du, das war ich."
Er guckt ganz entsetzt: "SO schlecht?!"

Gestern konnte ich drüber lachen. Gestern hatte ich einen guten Tag und wusste, dass ich den Job ganz ordentlich mache.
Aber manchmal tendiert mein innerer Kritiker eben doch mehr in Richtung Leon. Ist halt so. Man hat so Tage. Das kennst du ja selber, wenn auch eben in anderen Bereichen...

Fühl dich trotzdem gründlich zurückgeknuddelt. Weil du lieb bist. Und zufällig auch, weil du Geburtstag hattest!

[http://users.livejournal.com/macalla_/]

Sieh es mal so: eine schlechte Mutter wärst du nur, wenn du dir keine Gedanken darüber machen würdest, ob du eine gute Mutter bist :)

Und danke für die Glückwünsche - wollte ich eigentlich auch noch schreiben :)

[oloriel.livejournal.com]

An sich weiß ich das ja. Aber manchmal nagt halt der Zweifel. Versuch wir, es positiv zu sehen - wer meint, etwas zu sein, kann nichts mehr werden, oder so...

Aber gern doch :)