Grandmother's Day

[oloriel]

Grandma passed away in the early morning hours. It was not unexpected, and if one got to choose one's favourite way of dying, it would be something like this. But it stings. It hurts. I had thought that because I knew that it was going to happen one of these days, that might blunt the sting of loss a little, but it didn't. It just means that I had time to rehearse the things I try to tell myself to cheer myself up.

If I had to choose a way of leaving this world, it would be much like this. I'd like to have some time to wrap up loose ends and make arrangements. I'd like to see my loved ones again and say goodbye. I'd like to remain as self-determined and aware as possible until the very end. I'd like to have my children by my bedside as I drift, on and off, into sleep, and then stop breathing. Preferably, I'd like to have a long, content life preceding the event.

It was mostly like this for my grandmother, and for her, I really believe that in the end it was release. Jörg and his mother asked at one point (when she could hardly stomach food anymore) whether enteral nutrition wasn't an option. It was, but she just didn't want it - didn't want to keep an 87-year-old body alive just to feed her pancreatic cancer. I don't know whether she felt hungry, she wouldn't talk about that sort of thing. She certainly felt weak, and detested it. She was in pain, and took meds against that. And on Friday, she slept the whole day through, and we knew that the time was close at hand. She woke again yesterday, and was aware that my mother and my uncle - grandma's middle son - were with her. My mom says she reacted and understood, but was too weak to speak. And then she fell asleep again. And eventually, that sleep turned eternal.

I last saw her alive on my birthday, when she managed to find the strength to visit. (What a gift, what a prizeless birthday present, in retrospect.) I went to see her this morning, as she lay in the viewing room, with her mother's day flowers in her hand and a bright pink pyjama on. She had been arranged lovingly, but it was already very very obvious that she wasn't sleeping. That she wasn't there anymore. That a lot about her had been about presence, and that presence was gone. The writer in me is trying to store away the details for later reference. My normal me is just crying.

I'm not crying all the time. Julian is adorable and Felix wants attention. Funny or sweet or mundane things keep happening. So on one level, life goes on as normal. On the other, nothing will be normal again, because a normal world has my grandmother in it, and now there's a gaping hole. It's not that we were constantly seeing or calling each other. But I knew that she was there, just a phone call or an hour's car drive away. And now I know that she isn't there, that I'll never call her or visit her or have her visit again.

That's what hurts so much. I knew that she was going to die, and she had a long life with a lot of good times, and it was to be expected. But the finality, the change from "It's going to happen soon" to "It's happened", that's what stings, and twists my heart, and makes me cry. Not constantly, but again and again.

And of course that's normal. And it's OK. It's grief, and it needs to be handled. And life will go on. And eventually, the pain will no longer be fresh, and then, fond memories (or even the not-so-fond memories) will prevail. But for now, I just feel so lost and lonely (even surrounded by understanding family) and I just don't know what to do.
And of course that's normal too.

So there may be further posts about this. Bear with me. Or, if you can't, just read something else. That's fine. I just need to put stuff into words occasionally. You don't need to reply if you don't want to. You may if you want, of course.

My grandmother died on mother's day, and there's a hole in my life. That, for the moment, is all.

Comments

[laurenia.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I'm so sorry. My gran died on Mother's Day, too.
Write about her as much as you like and you can be sure that even if I don't always comment, I always read and think of you.

[independence1776]

My condolences. *hugs* *so many hugs*

[http://users.livejournal.com/macalla_/]

Ach, was soll man da sagen. Außer vielleicht: ich denke an dich.
Fühl dich festgehalten und lieb gehabt.
Meine Mutter sagt immer: Sorge und Trauer sind der Preis der Liebe.

[silver-trails.livejournal.com]

Oh, dear. I am sorry. *hugs*

I know how it feels. Just cry for her. And write about her if that's what you need.

[maglor-20.livejournal.com]

*hugs tight* I'm so sorry. My condolences to you and your family.

[satismagic.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry for your loss. All the hugs. Sending tons of healing vibes and comforting thoughts to you and your family.

[samtyr.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry. Please accept my deepest sympathy for you and your family.

*hugs*

[lanyon.livejournal.com]

So sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and yours.

[chili-das-schaf.livejournal.com]

I'm very sorry.

[ladyelleth.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Sending all my love and good wishes to you and yours.

[cowboy-r.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry for your loss.

[joyful-molly.livejournal.com]

Da merkt man plötzlich, was Ewigkeit wirklich ist. Darum fühlt man sich wohl auch so verloren und alleine, von allen anderen Gefühlen mal abgesehen. Ich kann Dich so gut verstehen, und denke sehr an Dich.

[elfy.livejournal.com]

*hugs* so sorry :(

[lindahoyland.livejournal.com]

I'm so very sorry. Big hugs. Thinking of you.

[fallingtowers.livejournal.com]

Mein herzliches Beileid.

[hhimring]

Das tut mir so leid. Herzliches Beileid.

[ellynn-ithilwen.livejournal.com]

My condolences, dear. *big hug*

[barbardin.livejournal.com]

Es tut mir sehr Leid. *drück* Lass alles raus, was du rauslassen magst!

[heartofoshun.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry to hear of the death of your grandmother. I still miss my grandmother and it has been decades. But it does fade to a bittersweet longing and the many happy memories. You are in my thoughts! (And sorry I missed your birthday--I was without internet service.)

[sermanya.livejournal.com]

thank you for being there for me in spite of all the happenings. *hugs* and *hugs* and *hugs*

[elenbarathi.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry. *hugs*

[ysilme]

Mein herzlichstes Beileid. ***hugs***
Danke, daß Du Deinen Schmerz und Deine Gedanken mit uns teilst. Es ist gut daß ihr diesen Weg mit Deiner Oma gehen konntet und einander habt, und ich wünsche Dir von Herzen daß Du Trost darin finden kannst. Ich habe meinen Schwiegervater durch eine sehr ähnliche Situation begleitet und meine Oma an Demenz verloren, lange bevor ihre Präsenz erlosch. Falls das überhaupt möglich ist kann ich ein bißchen nachfühlen, was Dich bewegt und wie Du Dich fühlst, und würde Dir so gern von dem geben, was ich daraus gewinnen konnte, um es Dir leichter zu machen. Aber das geht nicht. Ich kann nur zuhören, was ich jederzeit gerne mit offenen Ohren und Sinnen tue (auch wenn ich manchmal lange brauche für eine Antwort...).
Sei fest umarmt.