So helpless.

[oloriel]

Felix lost his best friend.

L. was one of the small-for-his-age boys who didn't enjoy the rough physical games many kids that age love. He was small for his age because, as a toddler, he'd already had to be treated for leukemia. He survived it, and when we met him, he was a cheeky, fun-loving kid who just preferred to avoid physical scuffles, but was otherwise active and happy and delightful.

Felix didn't celebrate his birthday during the summer holidays because L. was on vacation and he didn't want to have his party without L. Then after the holidays, the second day of school, L. fell sick again. The teacher had to announce that it would take at least half a year until he might be well enough to return.

He passed away last Saturday. He was two days younger than Felix.

The kids have been told. Felix himself is (currently) very collected. Nonetheless, I suspect that he's devastated. He'not crying openly, but withdrawn and sort of... seems to be walking on eggshells? He doesn't want to talk about it (he says). He "isn't sure" whether he wants to go to the funeral. (I won't be able to go because of work, but the mother-in-law was able to swap with a colleague so she has offered to go with him.) I expect that it will break out at some later point. When my grandmother (to whom Felix was also very close) died, he was initially calm and seemingly unperturbed, but half a year later he spent every evening crying because he was missing her so much.

Meanwhile, the adults are barely holding it together. I keep seeing L's cheerful little face. I can't believe that he's dead, gone forever. I want to scream at the world. I wish we'd been able to see him again. I'm going through denial, anger and bargaining all at once. Some of the other mothers in the class are also suspiciously red-eyed. I think we're all very much asking ourselves how we would be able to handle it if it were our own child.

I don't know how H., L.'s mom, handles it. Is she one of those people who just soldier on, going through the motions, step by step, until a year has passed and then another year has passed and then you may as well move on? Is she doing it for her other son, M.? The family bought a house last year so they'd have room enough for both kids to play. How will M. (who is about Julian's age) cope? How does life go on?

There are no answers, there's just sadness, and a simmering anger: This shouldn't be true, and it shouldn't be allowed to happen.

They put a very loving and personal notice of death in the paper, with a photo of L. as we knew him: cheeky grin, sparkling eyes, a happy young school child. The funeral is tomorrow.

Comments

[kaja_lakoka]

Devastating :( I'm really sorry to hear that and actually I have no other words, but please know that I'm here, silent, but you and your son are in my thoughts.

[heartofoshun]

You are breaking my heart. We went through this process when Laura was sick with cancer at age eight. Her diagnosis was devastating, but she was lucky and determined. Her recovery included one fortunate break after another, treatment break-throughs and success, and she handled it with determination and stubborn optimism until she finally reached remission and full recovery.

But the other side of the story was that during the first initial treatment and the longer period of followup she made and lost a few close friends who were suffering from cancer of various sorts including leukemia. These diseases were still a death sentence when I was a child--I had a classmate who died from leukemia in grade school. But in this period, with so much research and so many treatment successes, we are often less aware of how many children are still lost to childhood cancers, especially leukemia and other forms of blood cancers.

I am so sorry for Felix to have to experience the loss of his friend at such a young age. The loss is real. I am sure he will work through it, but he will suffer! No one wants to see their children suffer from such a loss. It's terrifying for parents also--the idea of processing that it could have been one's own child and the terror at the thought of how the child's parents and sibling must be suffering at this moment.

I know Laura's experience changed her forever. She was a different child before it happened. Not all of the changes were negative, although some certainly were. She thinks that she is more compassionate and empathetic than she would have been if she had not survived her own life-threatening illness and the loss of friends who she became close to in the process. Her first and best friend she made in the hospital during treatment died about a year after Laura met her. I think adult Laura is very giving and generous person, especially when dealing with the emotional pain of others.

Poor little Felix! My heart goes out to him. He will get through it, but not without some real pain. As a little person, he will have to go through all the same phases of grief, fear, acceptance, and closure that any adult does. All you can do is be there for him and let him know you are willing to help and listen when he needs it. Poor baby! Kids have to personally decide how and when they want to process grief. All we can do is let them know we will try to provide the support they need.

[independence1776]

I am so sorry. *HUGS* for everyone. (What Kaja said, really. I have no words.)

[grundyscribbling]

Tearing up reading this in the airport. I'm so sorry for Felix, L., his family, his classmates... everyone, really.

[hhimring]

I'm so sorry. What a terrible thing to happen.
I hope Felix will know how to cope with it eventually, but it's hard.

[satismagic]

(((du & Felix))) Mein Beileid für euch alle. Das Leben und der Tod können so hart sein. Schicke euch ganz viele Sonnenstrahlen fürs Herz und für den Himmel, um euch in dieser schwierigen Zeit zu helfen.

[ysilme]

This is so bitter and heart-breaking, I'm so sorry to hear this! *tight hugs to you all* It must be horrible indeed for Felix. It's already barely bearable for us adults, and we do have some tools do deal with stuff like that. But children are so much more vulnerable also in that regard. I sincerely hope Felix is going to cope as well as possible, and wish you lots of strength and insight to find ways to help him through it, and cope yourself.
I can imagine that going to the funeral, particularly without you or his father, isn't something Felix might consider something he wants to do right now. But no matter if he went/goes or not, you could later go with him visiting, perhaps on a date that has some meaning for the two of them, or just to share something he would otherwise have shared with his friend as well.
My heart also go out to L's family. I hope it will help them that there is a brother, and that they can find their way through this loss and grief.

[oloriel]

Thank you.

[oloriel]

I had no idea about Laura! I'm so glad she got through it, but yeah, I can imagine that she met a lot of friends who did not make it. As you say, there are lot of (relatively) reliable cures today so it's easy to lose sight of the people who are still lost to these diseases. It's the same with dying during birth or in childbed - it's become rare, but it still happens.

He is suffering. He says he slept very badly every night this week. And he is even more rebellious than usual. Trying to cut him some slack because I know it's hard, but I had to gently remind him that it isn't fair to take out his sadness and anger on his brother or us. He didn't even make the connection between the urge to exercise power over other people and his feelings. He did realise the connection between wetting his pants on Thursday and the event: "First my brain overflowed and then my bladder", he said. We'll see how he works through this. He doesn't currently want to talk about it "this week", but sometimes there's an offhand comment that shows me that he is thinking about it a lot. :/

Thank you.

[oloriel]

Thank you.

[oloriel]

Thank you. Yeah, me too.

[oloriel]

It really is. I'm sure he'll work through it, but right now, it's a long road ahead. Thank you.

[oloriel]

Danke.

[oloriel]

It has broken a chunk out of his world. We try so hard to keep our children safe, but events like this show us - and them! - how vulnerable we really are. I do hope Felix will find a good way of dealing with it. Right now, he seems to be trying to push it away, but it's clearly there all the time. He is sleeping badly and acting out and wondering why his eyes and throat are burning after half a day of not allowing himself to cry. He is trying so hard not to cry over L. Yesterday he stubbed his toe and I'm pretty sure he didn't stub it badly, but he sobbed as if he'd broken his leg. I suspect it was because he finally had an excuse for crying. I told him that it's just as natural to cry when he's hurting in his mind as it is when he's hurting on his body, but he did not seem to feel that way himself.

He went to the funeral with the mother-in-law - he's very close to her, since she lives next door and he sees her every day - and of course, being a grandmother, she spoils him a bit! So she was able to provide the emotional support he needed. He was very cuddly in church, she said - whereas he tries to avoid cuddling right now. He says he's glad that he went there, too. "At least I could properly say goodbye." But he didn't want to go to the churchyard, so they didn't. The class will later visit the grave, and I'm sure we will also do that.

The poor family, yes. I don't know if I could bear it, and I hope that they can. I hope they'll be able to help each other, above all, rather than drift into isolation.