Well, that was utterly frustrating

[oloriel]

and not made better by the fact that I had the worst case of exam nerves ever (unable to fall asleep for hours, sleeping about three hours net, too queasy to have breakfast, shaky hands, etc), two utterly stressful weeks feat. marital spats & tiffs, one very uncooperative class, and, just as a cherry on top, my period.

But I passed, and am now a fully qualified secondary level teacher (or will be come November, when we get our certificates). Not as well as I hoped, nor, frankly, as well as I felt I deserved just for the stress I went through. And it doesn't even matter because I don't have to find a job with that certificate like the baby university graduates do - my school is desperate to keep me, my principal already asked three times whether I really was staying with them. But it's just utterly annoying that I threw so much into this fucking process and the result is no more than mediocre. If I'd known that it'd go like this, I wouldn't have agonised over the effing lesson plans for two months. (Yeah, I know, I probably wouldn't have passed at all if I hadn't agonised like that.)

Am trying to tell myself that this is how so many of the students feel, practicing and practicing as much as they possibly can and then getting no better than [German equivalent of] C or D. So it's what they call a valuable experience (TM). Also trying to tell myself that C actually means "meets expectations" and anything above that is exceeding expectations. Still sucks though.

Am trying to focus on how when I finally left the school after the final colloquium was over and I'd gotten my results, one of the boys from the second exam class was leaning out of the science lab window calling "Ms S, is it over? did you pass?" and I called back "Yes, it's over, and yes, I did pass" and I could hear him tell his classmates "She did it!" and the class cheered. That was nice.

I guess that's what matters.