Well, that was utterly frustrating
Sep. 15th, 2021 02:41 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
olorieland not made better by the fact that I had the worst case of exam nerves ever (unable to fall asleep for hours, sleeping about three hours net, too queasy to have breakfast, shaky hands, etc), two utterly stressful weeks feat. marital spats & tiffs, one very uncooperative class, and, just as a cherry on top, my period.
But I passed, and am now a fully qualified secondary level teacher (or will be come November, when we get our certificates). Not as well as I hoped, nor, frankly, as well as I felt I deserved just for the stress I went through. And it doesn't even matter because I don't have to find a job with that certificate like the baby university graduates do - my school is desperate to keep me, my principal already asked three times whether I really was staying with them. But it's just utterly annoying that I threw so much into this fucking process and the result is no more than mediocre. If I'd known that it'd go like this, I wouldn't have agonised over the effing lesson plans for two months. (Yeah, I know, I probably wouldn't have passed at all if I hadn't agonised like that.)
Am trying to tell myself that this is how so many of the students feel, practicing and practicing as much as they possibly can and then getting no better than [German equivalent of] C or D. So it's what they call a valuable experience (TM). Also trying to tell myself that C actually means "meets expectations" and anything above that is exceeding expectations. Still sucks though.
Am trying to focus on how when I finally left the school after the final colloquium was over and I'd gotten my results, one of the boys from the second exam class was leaning out of the science lab window calling "Ms S, is it over? did you pass?" and I called back "Yes, it's over, and yes, I did pass" and I could hear him tell his classmates "She did it!" and the class cheered. That was nice.
I guess that's what matters.
no subject
Date: 2021-09-15 01:17 pm (UTC)I totally get your disappointment and frustration with the grade, though; that sucks so much, and also takes something away from the whole thing, doesn't it?
I don't know if this is any consolation, but my father, late maths and physics teacher, finished only with a "befriedigend" back in the day, and had to bear some ridicule from his student buddies, both brillant mathematicians. He's been the much better teacher, though, and has gotten a lot of praise particularly from students who had difficulties with the subject, many claiming he made all the difference for them. I know he was unhappy at times that he had not done well academically, but eventually the knowledge that he'd been a really good teacher won out for him.
I had the misfortune to have one of his student buddies in maths for my last two years (Leistungskurs) and witnessed first-hand that a brilliant mathematician doesn't make a good teacher... on the contrary.
I think your students have it down right: you did it, and that is what matters. The grade you got today has nothing to do what kind of teacher you are or will be. ***hugs***
no subject
Date: 2021-09-16 07:56 pm (UTC)Well, it's not really your academic prowess that gets tested in the second Staatsexamen, but the way you are (perceived to be) planning your lessons, executing your lessons, preparing and presenting your material, interacting with your students, etc. etc. - so it does have at least some relevance for what kind of teacher you might be. Although let's be real, nobody does lessons IRL the way they do them for the exam, not even the hypermotivated newbies who suddenly get tossed into having to teach actual classes on their own for 25 hours a week as opposed to the 8 they had during the Referendariat. And I was already teaching 20 hours while preparing for the exam, so I had a lot less time to set up the smoke and mirrors.
Mind you, I'm not that great academically either - my Magisterabschluss was also just barely "gut". Not that it matters, since I didn't stay in "serious" academia. (School was easy for me, though, so it's not like this is helping me understand students who for some reason cannot grasp what a verb is.)
I wish I could be the teacher who made all the difference for someone, at some point, but it is not this day.
Thank you, though. *hugs back*
no subject
Date: 2021-09-15 05:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-09-16 07:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-09-15 09:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-09-16 07:59 pm (UTC)The circumstances were far from normal for all of us, and there are certainly people who did better. But it's a kind thought.
Speaking of kind thoughts - thank you so much for your sweet PM. I appreciated it, even though I didn't reply. <3
no subject
Date: 2021-09-15 11:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-09-16 08:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-09-17 05:30 pm (UTC)And, just to put it in perspective, you passed in the middle of Covid. Which surely adds another level of difficulty.
no subject
Date: 2021-09-19 04:24 pm (UTC)Covid actually added a level of security - normally, if you fail, you only have one more attempt to take the exam and if you don't make it the second time around, you're not allowed to take the exam ever again. But this year, due to the "added difficulty" of teaching in a pandemic, we all got one free shot", and those of us who failed still have two attempts.
So there really was no reason to be this absurdly panicked, and I'm very miffed at my subconscious for making it harder.
no subject
Date: 2021-09-19 08:46 pm (UTC)Herzlichen Glückwunsch zum neuen examensfreien Lebensabschnitt!
no subject
Date: 2021-09-21 10:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-06-25 09:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-06-27 09:13 am (UTC)Deshalb hab ich mich in den letzten Wochen (Monaten?) etwas rar gemacht. Aber nichts Schlimmes. Zwischendurch mal ein grippaler Infekt, aber es war wohl wirklich nur ein grippaler Infekt (jedenfalls waren sämtliche Tests negativ), auch wenn man sowas gar nicht mehr gewöhnt ist. Jetzt sind endlich Ferien - vielleicht schaffe ich es ja doch mal, ein Update zu schreiben...
Hab gelesen, dass euch Covid nun doch erwischt hat. Ich hoffe, ihr erholt euch weiterhin gut und bekommt keine Probleme mit Langzeitfolgen!