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I shoulda known...
Mar. 1st, 2003 01:07 am... brave words, right, and as soon as possible I'd prove myself I'm unable to stick to my own resolve.
I really should know better.
Every Friday, during Judo practice, my wicked mind starts to shoot itself. One little mistake, one look at the wrong person, and what little self-consciousness I have melts and leaves me to my attacks. Seriously.
Every Friday, in these two hours, all my fears, troubles, weaknesses and vices take over and make me act like an idiot.
Every Friday, I remember everything I ignore succesfully for the rest of the week.
I suddenly become painfully aware that my boyfriend is actually not the man I love, that the latter is maybe 5 metres away from me at that second, explaining some technique to someone (Hane-goshi, today. Oh, how I hate Hane-goshi. Not just because of today, but because it's generally a most unnecessary and impossible technique- - -), and his girlfriend probably sits somewhere there too.
I become painfully aware of all my weaknesses. I am lazy, impatient, somewhat ruthless, somewhat cruel, and it doesn't help that I'm not only so against others but also against myself. I am irresponsibly dreamy (and irresponsible, too). I didn't get half the things done I wanted to get done this week, and it's not because I forgot, it's because I procrastinated. Again and again. For example, all I did up to now for my term paper is research. At least I read and copied some stuff, but it's not much, and I have to turn the damned thing in on March 7th. I try to tell myself I'll work on it now that I finally have my own computer online again, but who knows.
I become painfully aware that I most likely failed the anthropology exam, which means that I'll have to do the whole darn seminar again. Don't know how to get all the stupid passes I need, anyway. Very funny. I love university, but it's getting at me...
I become painfully aware that most my troubles are trifles, that on this wonderful planet there are billions of people who have serious problems and here I sit despairing over problems that are, after all, mostly in my mind only. I feel wretched, I feel ungrateful.
I am ashamed of myself because of it.
And the circle turns on and on, and the worse I feel, the more ungrateful I feel, so I'm ashamed, so I feel even worse, so I feel even more ungrateful...
And all this because I still keep going to judo practice, out of nostalgia, out of stubbornness, out of my irresponsible belief in miracles.
I might turn this into some kind of catharsis, that after facing my innre darkness I come out cleansed, but the sad truth is that it doesn't work this way. Because the vicious circle turns on: I feel bad, I feel ungrateful, I'm ashamed, I tell myself to change things, I fail, I feel bad, etc.
Gollum, gollum.
I can think of three ways to stop this stupidity.
The first one I can't take because I can't do this to my family, and because I feel that all this despair, dark as it may be, is really insubstantial and rather ridiculous, and because after all there are some things that keep me from taking the gift of humanity, most of them just as ridiculous as my despair, others more important: friends, promises.
The second one I can't take for whatever stupid reason, because somehow I feel obliged to stick with the tiny rest that remained of my glorious days in judo practice, even though I do hate it now.
The third one I tried just now: To at least try and talk about it, to whoever may read this (so I suppose I know who'll read this ;)), since I don't dare to tell my parents, or even less those who belong to the whole mess.
I feel even more ashamed now. Didn't help to share it, obviously. Except that this weird dark spot is now more visible. Dear world, I'm cracked. Wait, that's not so new...
I didn't save this yet. I can still delete it and pretend nothing happened. No one will ever know. Nothing happened, nothing happened...
Darn. I saved it.
I really should know better.
Every Friday, during Judo practice, my wicked mind starts to shoot itself. One little mistake, one look at the wrong person, and what little self-consciousness I have melts and leaves me to my attacks. Seriously.
Every Friday, in these two hours, all my fears, troubles, weaknesses and vices take over and make me act like an idiot.
Every Friday, I remember everything I ignore succesfully for the rest of the week.
I suddenly become painfully aware that my boyfriend is actually not the man I love, that the latter is maybe 5 metres away from me at that second, explaining some technique to someone (Hane-goshi, today. Oh, how I hate Hane-goshi. Not just because of today, but because it's generally a most unnecessary and impossible technique- - -), and his girlfriend probably sits somewhere there too.
I become painfully aware of all my weaknesses. I am lazy, impatient, somewhat ruthless, somewhat cruel, and it doesn't help that I'm not only so against others but also against myself. I am irresponsibly dreamy (and irresponsible, too). I didn't get half the things done I wanted to get done this week, and it's not because I forgot, it's because I procrastinated. Again and again. For example, all I did up to now for my term paper is research. At least I read and copied some stuff, but it's not much, and I have to turn the damned thing in on March 7th. I try to tell myself I'll work on it now that I finally have my own computer online again, but who knows.
I become painfully aware that I most likely failed the anthropology exam, which means that I'll have to do the whole darn seminar again. Don't know how to get all the stupid passes I need, anyway. Very funny. I love university, but it's getting at me...
I become painfully aware that most my troubles are trifles, that on this wonderful planet there are billions of people who have serious problems and here I sit despairing over problems that are, after all, mostly in my mind only. I feel wretched, I feel ungrateful.
I am ashamed of myself because of it.
And the circle turns on and on, and the worse I feel, the more ungrateful I feel, so I'm ashamed, so I feel even worse, so I feel even more ungrateful...
And all this because I still keep going to judo practice, out of nostalgia, out of stubbornness, out of my irresponsible belief in miracles.
I might turn this into some kind of catharsis, that after facing my innre darkness I come out cleansed, but the sad truth is that it doesn't work this way. Because the vicious circle turns on: I feel bad, I feel ungrateful, I'm ashamed, I tell myself to change things, I fail, I feel bad, etc.
Gollum, gollum.
I can think of three ways to stop this stupidity.
The first one I can't take because I can't do this to my family, and because I feel that all this despair, dark as it may be, is really insubstantial and rather ridiculous, and because after all there are some things that keep me from taking the gift of humanity, most of them just as ridiculous as my despair, others more important: friends, promises.
The second one I can't take for whatever stupid reason, because somehow I feel obliged to stick with the tiny rest that remained of my glorious days in judo practice, even though I do hate it now.
The third one I tried just now: To at least try and talk about it, to whoever may read this (so I suppose I know who'll read this ;)), since I don't dare to tell my parents, or even less those who belong to the whole mess.
I feel even more ashamed now. Didn't help to share it, obviously. Except that this weird dark spot is now more visible. Dear world, I'm cracked. Wait, that's not so new...
I didn't save this yet. I can still delete it and pretend nothing happened. No one will ever know. Nothing happened, nothing happened...
Darn. I saved it.
