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Settle Down?
Feb. 11th, 2004 09:14 pmBack when I told my mother that I planned to move in with Jörg, to my great surprise she wasn't shocked or speechless, but instead said that she thought it was a good idea - so I could "settle down a bit". She said the most important things for now were that I'd pass the Finals - which I didn't - and that I'd settle down.
"Settle down"?
That sounds to me an awful lot like "retirement". Am I so unquiet? Do I seem to be so restless? Maybe I do. Maybe I am.
The point is that I am a mere 20 years old. I have, in the last few years, got used to constant change and motion. I have been driving, walking, going places. I have been lucky, I know, more than I deserve. Recently, I admit, I've failed to set priorities right even more than I always did. My life has been changing, and I haven't changed along with it as I should have. Things have developped, come out of nothing or long expected, and I couldn't deal with them fast enough, couldn't react to them properly.
Changes. Dangers. Fantasies. It's always the same and yet never the same.
Fears. Doubts. Weakness. All I can do is hang on and hope it's for the best.
Settle down? How could I. The turmoils have only begun. Small children are "settled down", before they go old and discover the world. Maybe old people can "settle down". I wouldn't know. I can't. I am living in the land of grown-ups, but grown-upishness has not yet caught up with me. How am I to settle down when I am driven by unwritten stories, unspoken dreams, unfounded fears? How am I to settle down among demons, gods and "progressive apes"? There is no place yet where I could settle down. I am to inconstant for that. All I can do is to try and keep the demons at bay (at which I'm no good), pay tribute to the gods and hope the apes don't notice that I am, actually, not quite walking with them.
Settle down? Even if I felt I was at an age and place to do so, my mind would't let me. It is a law unto itself, and just as I still haven't figured out all the unwritten laws of the grown-up world (I never figured out all the laws of the teen-ager world to begin with. I was good at the children's world, tough, which is probably why I regard myself as a happy child and happy as a child.), I haven't figured out its laws. For a while, I can go along and all goes well, but at some point I feel it grows independent of me (yes, I hear the posthumanity here), and I'm sure that if I weren't feeding and nurturing it, it would have left me completely to roam freely on its own ways, without the burden of someone trying to force it to do things it doesn't care for.
I can't settle down. It just shocks me that my mum seems to think that I need to.
- - -
( Nachdem Elias Funktastatur gestern Abend den Geist aufgegeben hat (die Batterien also), hier jetzt die deutsche Fassung. )
- - -
"Settle down"?
That sounds to me an awful lot like "retirement". Am I so unquiet? Do I seem to be so restless? Maybe I do. Maybe I am.
The point is that I am a mere 20 years old. I have, in the last few years, got used to constant change and motion. I have been driving, walking, going places. I have been lucky, I know, more than I deserve. Recently, I admit, I've failed to set priorities right even more than I always did. My life has been changing, and I haven't changed along with it as I should have. Things have developped, come out of nothing or long expected, and I couldn't deal with them fast enough, couldn't react to them properly.
Changes. Dangers. Fantasies. It's always the same and yet never the same.
Fears. Doubts. Weakness. All I can do is hang on and hope it's for the best.
Settle down? How could I. The turmoils have only begun. Small children are "settled down", before they go old and discover the world. Maybe old people can "settle down". I wouldn't know. I can't. I am living in the land of grown-ups, but grown-upishness has not yet caught up with me. How am I to settle down when I am driven by unwritten stories, unspoken dreams, unfounded fears? How am I to settle down among demons, gods and "progressive apes"? There is no place yet where I could settle down. I am to inconstant for that. All I can do is to try and keep the demons at bay (at which I'm no good), pay tribute to the gods and hope the apes don't notice that I am, actually, not quite walking with them.
Settle down? Even if I felt I was at an age and place to do so, my mind would't let me. It is a law unto itself, and just as I still haven't figured out all the unwritten laws of the grown-up world (I never figured out all the laws of the teen-ager world to begin with. I was good at the children's world, tough, which is probably why I regard myself as a happy child and happy as a child.), I haven't figured out its laws. For a while, I can go along and all goes well, but at some point I feel it grows independent of me (yes, I hear the posthumanity here), and I'm sure that if I weren't feeding and nurturing it, it would have left me completely to roam freely on its own ways, without the burden of someone trying to force it to do things it doesn't care for.
I can't settle down. It just shocks me that my mum seems to think that I need to.
- - -
( Nachdem Elias Funktastatur gestern Abend den Geist aufgegeben hat (die Batterien also), hier jetzt die deutsche Fassung. )
- - -
