Autumnal woes and a motherly revelation

[oloriel]

I've got a cold. This time (presumably - that is, if we've all got the same cold) it didn't come from Felix' Kindergarten, but from the mom-in-law's gym classes, because she got it first, then it went on to Felix, me and Julian (with the two kids getting, as it seems, less violent versions - Felix got a runny nose and a cough, but neither complains about a sore throat nor the headache that's been tormenting his granny); Julian's got a runny nose and a less sweet temper than usual), and finally it reached Jörg. Me, I thought I only had the gentle version as well, but yesterday my throat went all inflamed and now I've got almost no voice and speaking hurts. We'll see how it develops.

***

The night before yesternight, instead of falling asleep, for some reason I started to reword my master's thesis in my mind. For those who only joined this thing recently, I handed my master's thesis in four years ago. The result was not what I had hoped for. This probably was because I hadn't made it sufficiently clear how the text fit the title (BIG don't), but I never actually went back and checked because STILL SORE. At any rate, it was a pass grade, so I thought I'd just leave it behind. My brain apparently thinks otherwise. Quite a useless exercise, of course, lying awake at night tweaking the wording so the connection between title and text fit. I can't use it at all now (though something inside me still wishes I could - I'm really still not over it, it seems), and it's just costing me sleep. Four years too late.

***

Felix is still hitting and shoving kids in his Kindergarten. His teachers asked me to contact the local counselling service because they don't know how to deal with his occasional bouts of violence (when you try to explain the matter to him, he'll shake his head and change the topic). I did as they asked because I'm a Mom Who Cooperates (and also, very insecure).
I'm in so many minds about this.

The first reaction is just "Boys will be boys, he'll grow out of it, don't make such a fuss about it". But of course, this is probably what the parents of genuine bullies think, too. (One of my parental fears is that my kids might be the victims of bullies. Never did I think about the fact that they might be the bullies.) Now, Felix is far from proper bullying ATM, but you just don't know, do you?

The second reaction is guilt and self-reproach. What did I do wrong? Did I somehow give him the idea that hitting others is acceptable? (Those who've known me for longer know that I occasionally used to have a, hm, very physical way of showing my emotions.) Probably not, because most kids hit and shove at some point, but why doesn't he stop, he's such a smart kid so why doesn't he understand it.

The third is, I'm actually glad they're addressing this, because when I was in Kindergarten, there were some kids who typically hit, shoved, pinched or bit other kids - and a typical reaction of the teachers (and of our own parents!) was "Arthur/Kevin/Jacqueline/Thorsten isn't doing that to hurt you, that's just their way of showing that they like you." (And yes, those are the real names of these kids, because even after 25+ years, I still know them. I've forgotten half the names of the people I went to high school with.) Now for one, even as a kid, I knew that "liking" didn't have shit to do with anything. If Jacqueline pulled my hair or Thorsten threw sand in my face, they didn't "like" me, they liked having the power to hurt. Especially as the teachers had pretty much just given up, telling other kids that the bullies just "liked" them and telling them off if they hit back. --- So anyway, I'm relieved that Felix' Kindergarten teachers aren't showing the same attitude, that they tell him off, that they tell me he misbehaved, and that they ask me to find someone who can help Felix grow out of this. I'm glad.

(The fourth is, I'm still annoyed at them. After they told me for the first time, I've tried to implement a bit of a reward system if Felix didn't hurt others in Kindergarten. They didn't tell me of any new instances of hitting or shoving for two weeks, so every day, he got his reward computer time or crisps after dinner. (He, naturally, never came to me and said "I hit so-and-so today".) THEN, after two weeks, one of them suddenly took me aside to tell me that Felix had been hitting and shoving all the time, and we really had to do something about it. WELL HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO SOMETHING IF YOU DON'T TELL ME. Instead, I'd effectively been undermining myself...)

Anyway. So I went to the local counsellor, who noted that Felix' development is "divergent" (you don't say) in that his intellectual capacities (did I mention that he has begun to read?) are far ahead of his social competence (you don't say). Unlike the Kindergarten teachers, who just seem genuinely puzzled, she had a few ideas about how to help him with the latter. She reasons that his "violent" behaviour actually has two conflicting bases, one being a desire for distance and one being a desire for participation. Which would explain the conflicting signals. (I've mostly assumed that he wanted to be left alone, although that didn't fit with the fact that he sometimes went out of his way to hit someone. On the off chance that he was actually trying to initiate contact with this behaviour, I suggested things he could say instead of hitting, like "Can I play, too?" or "May I have this?". But of course I can't prepare him for every possible reaction to such questions!) At any rate, the counsellor suggested that it would help Felix to practice interaction with others in a smaller group of three or so children. Ideally, these would be kids who share his delight in letters (so probably pre-schoolers?) so they now only help him to practice his social skills, they also show him that he isn't alone with his hobby. I dunno. This sounds sensible, but I'm not sure how she thinks she's going to pull that off. For the time being, I'm just relieved that she didn't suggest that there was something deeply wrong with MY PRECIOUS LITTLE SNOWFLAKE...

***

Something else that made me feel relieved (Jörg is laughing at me): This weekend, Felix' godmother came to visit us with her two daughters (aged 5 and 3). Now, unlike me, she's doing everything she does at 150%, including mothering. She's Super-Mom. She follows all the right rules and does all the right things. She's a really nice and lovely person, but she can be a bit intimidating in her perfection, especially to someone like me who is too inconsistent (and sometimes, too lazy) to do all the right things and lacks confidence, too.

She's having the exact same issues as I'm having. That is, maybe she's not blaming herself for it -- but her kids are doing the same things Felix does that I don't want him to do. Well, L. is obviously more mature, but she's 5. But M., the 3-year-old? Throwing the exact same tantrums. Same tendency to hit and shove. Same tendency to ignore warnings and prohibitions. Same tendency to be overwrought and overtired but absolutely refuse to sleep.

You'll probably laugh and roll your eyes, just as Jörg does, but do you know how much of a relief it is for someone who feels inadequate and responsible for everything bad to see that it is exactly the same for a confident Super-Mom? In theory, I know as well as everybody else that tantrums and power struggles are typically for the terrible two/threes. In practice, my kid always seems to be more extreme than the other kids. I know that the other kids are just throwing their tantrums when I'm not witnessing them, and that their parents are just relieved that it isn't them when they see me struggling with Felix. But it always, always feels like I'm the only one who's got these problems, and to top it all off, I'm probably to blame for it, too. And on Sunday, that illusion really proved to be just an illusion. And that makes me so ridiculously happy.
I dunno, I guess part of the problem is that currently, being a mother is my only true occupation. So whenever something goes wrong, it feels like I am wrong, I've only got one effing job on this effing spaceship and I'm not even able of doing that properly. (I'm mostly aware that this is nonsense, but it's still what it feels like.)

So being Super-Mom isn't the answer to all. And being a bit inadequate doesn't ruin everything.

***

One week to go until NaNo. I'm cheating this time and just turning my Japan diary into a novel. So it's really more like a major editing job than like writing anything from scratch, and I'm not sure that a fully-fledged diary still constitutes as an outline (which is permitted) or whether that's more like a first draft (which is not eligible for NaNo). But it is going to be completely rewritten, so I've decided that it counts. It's more sensible than starting yet another unfinished original novel, and I don't want to use NaNo for fanfic. (I write fanfic the other 11 months. Well, not this year. But normally).

Comments

[http://users.livejournal.com/macalla_/]

Als jemand, der null Ahnung hat:
Ich kenne dich jetzt schon seit einigen Jahren (10 oder so?) und ich habe dich nie als jemanden wahrgenommen, der solches Benehmen gut heißen oder unterstützen würde (bewusst oder unbewusst).
Das ist jetzt ein Eindruck im Ganzen, sozusagen.
Ich kann mir einfach nicht vorstellen, dass du das in irgendeiner Form heraufbeschworen oder gar unterstützt hast.
Ich denke mal, dass es eine gute Sache ist, Rat zu suchen und auch genau zu beobachten.

Kurz: Ich glaube nicht, dass du was falsch machst.

[oloriel.livejournal.com]

Bewusst ganz sicher nicht! Aber ich frag mich halt, ob ich das irgendwie unbewusst... nicht unterstützt, aber vielleicht nicht klar genug unterbunden habe.

Ich fühl mich irgendwie blöd, da extra zur Beratungsstelle zu gehen (andererseits, Jörg zahlt ja nun genügend Steuern...), weil ich ja letztlich weiß, dass das bis zu einem bestimmten Punkt normal ist. Felix fällt halt auf, weil er teilweise schon auf einem viel höheren geistigen Level ist, er aber eben dann doch wieder die Verhaltensweisen eines Dreijährigen zeigt. (Der er ja nun mal ist.) Ich denke, diese Schere zwischen intellektuellem und sozialem Verhalten ist auch das, was den Erzieherinnen so zu schaffen macht - da wissen sie nicht weiter. Soweit kann ich das ja alles selber analysieren, da brauch ich keine Diplomsozialpädagogin und Kinderpsychotherapeutin für.

Andererseits lästere ich immer über die Eltern, die ihre Kinder eigenständig für "hochbegabt" erklären, damit die Schule sie in Ruhe lässt, wenn die Kinder sich danebenbenehmen (natürlich nur, weil sie so unterfordert sind). Also muss ich ja selber besser sein und mir fachlichen Rat holen, selbst wenn der nur bestätigt, was ich eigentlich weiß. Immerhin ist es ja auch nützlich, jetzt ganz offiziell die Diagnose "divergierende Entwicklung" zu haben, auf die ich eben verweisen kann, wenn die Erzieherin wieder hilflos vor mir (der ebenso hilflosen Mutter ;)) steht...

Rational betrachtet weiß ich, dass ich zumindest nichts dramatisch falsch mache. Aber da ist eben immer wieder dieses kleine nagende Gefühl des Zweifels... habe ich bei den Schlafenszeiten doch versagt? Muss ich ihn jetzt doch mal zwingen, aufs Klo zu gehen, statt ihm weiterhin die Windeln zu wechseln? Sollten Kinder in seinem Alter nicht eigentlich GAR nicht an den Computer, auch wenn er da nur ABBA hört und in Word Tabellen mit Inhalt produziert? Und wäre er sozial kompetenter, wenn ich früher brav jede Woche mit ihm die fünf Kilometer zum nächsten Spielplatz gewackelt wäre, um zeitig zu üben, auf seinen Platz auf der Rutsche zu warten und im Sandkasten die Besitzverhältnisse diverser Eimer, Schaufeln und Förmchen zu diskutieren? (Dafür war ich nämlich, ganz ehrlich, zu faul. Und zack! da ist das Schuldgefühl: Hättste mal! Daran liegt's!)

[http://users.livejournal.com/macalla_/]

Ja, aber auch du kannst die Zukunft nicht vorhersehen und auch du kannst nur nach bestem Wissen und Gewissen handeln.

Wenn du in diesem Fall der Meinung warst, dass es für ihn nicht nötig ist, sich im Sandkasten über den Weltfrieden zu unterhalten, dann hast du als seine Mutter das eben so gesehen.
Dafür hatte er dann möglicherweise eine entspanntere, fröhlichere Mutter, die mehr Zeit für ihn hatte. Woher willst du wissen, dass es nicht das ist, was ganz andere, schlechte Dinge von ihm ferngehalten hat?

Davon abgesehen ist ja auch noch lange nicht gesagt, dass die Spielplatzbesuche irgendwas geändert hätten. Wie du schon erwähnt hast: an sich ist es völlig normal.

Fühl dich einfach mal ganz fest geknuddelt. Du machst das schon gut mit deinen beiden Zwergen.

[oloriel.livejournal.com]

Naja, das isses halt. Ich hab ja schon damals gedacht "Eigentlich sollte man wahrscheinlich...", aber es war mir einfach zu viel Aufwand. Weil, man sollte dann ja auch zu Fuß. Und hinreichend lang bleiben. Und picknicken. Und dafür war ich dann zu träge. Das habe ich dann zwar vielleicht mit "Ach, toben kann er doch auch hier" gerechtfertigt, aber den Umgang mit Gesellschaft lernt er eben bei uns im Garten doch nicht...

Natürlich ist es normal. Aber da ist ja dann wieder dieser Ehrgeiz: Es soll ja besser als normal sein... ;)

Dankesehr. Ich versuch's halt, gell?

[silver-trails.livejournal.com]

Dear, feeling inadequate isn't helping, either. Work on that too. Just a friendly advice from someone who was a mother when very young. You'll be okay. Don't fret so much about it. :)

[oloriel.livejournal.com]

I know I have to work on that. It would probably be easier if mothering weren't my only "real" occupation ATM. So even small setbacks feel like I can't do anyting right. At the same time, I don't want to be supermom because I don't want to define myself through my kids only. Ideally, I'd have regular hobbies and a job, but that's just not possible at the moment, and there we go again...

I know fretting doesn't help, either. It's just hard not to.

[silver-trails.livejournal.com]

There is no perfect child, dear, and sometimes we, moms, make the same mistakes our parents did, even if we are aware of them.

Just take it easy, and find a way to have a moment for yourself.

[oloriel.livejournal.com]

I'm trying. :)

[samtyr.livejournal.com]

I wonder if part of the problem is that Felix is bored. Maybe putting him with a slightly older age group would help.

I only say this because he sounds a lot like I was as a little kid, and after considerable testing to make sure I wasn't "slow", they found out that I was acting out because I was bored from being held back. But in their finite wisdom, it was agreed by 'The Grownups' (my parents and the School) that if I was to be placed in a higher grade, it would be "rewarding" me for poor behavior and I would get a "big head" (aka superiority complex.)

And then they wondered why I barely made passing grades... (Gee, maybe because I had no incentive? Ya think?)

One last note: one of my high school boyfriends was like me -- he barely got passing grades either. At the parent-teacher conference, the teachers told his mother: "Well, we don't *think* he's slow..."
When his mom told him this, he asked her, "What do you want me to do? Get straight A's?"
She sighed and told him just do a little better please.
So the next semester he got straight A's and made the honor roll.

Yes, kids can be very strange beings. Anyway, that's my two cents.

[oloriel.livejournal.com]

I think boredom is part of it, but it isn't the only issue. Other problems are that he isn't yet used to integrating into a group - at home, he's naturally loved regardless, and if he doesn't feel like playing this, he can do somethign else, but in Kindergarten, if the group goes to play outside, he can't stay inside and play with LEGOs, and if it's lunchtime and he wants to paint instead of eating, he won't get any lunch later - and that, well, he doesn't really care to interact with others. So while on some levels, he'd probably be happier among older children, on other levels that would beget further problems, because he'd be expected to conform to rules that he doesn't even follow in his own age group.

I think the counsellor's idea (after she's gone to the Kindergarten to observe Felix' behaviour in the group and form her own opinion, and after she's talked to our pediatrist who'd have to give another professional statement) is basically to put him into a small group with two or three older kids, who will with the patience of older siblings teach the "little one" to stick to the social norms, while at the same time doing "big kids" things like learning instruments or letters.

Ah, yeah. These days the fashion is slightly different - kids are being identified as "gifted" left and right, and if they act up, they won't be reprimanded because they're "gifted"... which seems to be giving them much bigger heads than they'd get if they were placed in a higher grade where they'd fit in more comfortably. (Of course, not all of these kids are "gifted" in the first place, because often it's the parents who put the label on them, not any kind of professional...)

Yep - Kids are strange, and grown-ups are no better. >_>

[independence1776]

I hope everyone feels better soon!

I also wonder if he's just bored. Either way, I hope he stops hitting and shoving soon, and that the strategies you're trying and teaching help.

As for Nano-- there's no such thing as cheating. It's just rebelling. There are people who outright edit, or write nonfiction, or who knows what else. (Someone this year is doing knitting patterns.) There's a forum for rebels, too. (Guess where I'm hanging out this year? That and the fanfic forum.)

[oloriel.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

Oh cool, rebelling sounds much better than cheating. I also admit that I'm curious about the knitting patterns. How do you count words on that? ;)

[satismagic.livejournal.com]

*glomps* I think you're doing very well by taking the concerns of the kindergarten people seriously, and I'm glad the counsellor at least has some ideas and solid advice. Hope that works out!

Also, kids will be kids. Seriously, we just visited my oldest friend. Her boy is 2, her daughter is 4. OH GOD. The boy does tantrums as if he wants to win the olympics that way. And the girl is the picture-book perfect demanding princess.

So I'd say, you're doing everything right. *GLOMPS*

And good luck for NaNoWriMo!!!

[oloriel.livejournal.com]

So do I!

On a rational level, I know that he's likely going to grow out of it by himself. I'd just like for it to go faster! :P I think part of the problem is that his development really is so divergent - he has the vocabulary of a much older kid, but still uses the 3rd person for himself (which apparently suggests that he hasn't grasped the concept of individuality? IDK, to me it seems like he's perfectly aware of individuality, he's just used to talking of himself as "der Felix"). He can write letters and starts to string them together, he can decipher unknown words - but his social skills are again on a much lower level. When I check the "development plans" (i.e., lists of things kids should definitely be able to do at a certain age), Felix isn't anywhere behind his age -- but in some fields, he's so far ahead that you wonder why he still acts his age in other fields. I think that's what's throwing the Kindergarten people, too: In some fields, he acts like he's ready to go to school. In other fields, he acts like a kid newly in Kindergarten. WHICH IS WHAT HE IS. It just doesn't fit.

So perhaps the most valuable thing the counsellor has done is identify his development as "divergent", so there's now an official stamp on it and whenever things don't match, I can point at it. :P

Thank you!

[lindahoyland.livejournal.com]

Hope you soon feel better. You sound a great mum. I'm sure Felix will soon grow out of hitting and shoving.

[oloriel.livejournal.com]

I hope so too. Thank you.

[tuxedo-elf.livejournal.com]

How old is Felix now? I've completely forgotten, it's been so long! Because he sounds a lot like Marcus, who was 3 in July. Aedan went through a similar stage at ages 3-4.

Marcus is currently a devil child. He won't sleep, he tantrums over everything, he hates everything (including, apparently, the eggs in scrambled eggs!) he hits, he throws. In my experience it's a normal but 'I don't know if my sanity can survive this' phase!

I wouldn't worry too much about comparing yourself to supermum. I know a couple of those and they always seem consumed by it.

[oloriel.livejournal.com]

Felix and Marcus are almost the same age -- Felix was 3 in late July. So yeah, they're probably at the same stage right now! And I'm not sure my sanity is going to survive it either. The thing is, Felix is really swinging from "sweetest kid in the world" to "devil incarnate", so I don't know what to make of it. It's the contrast that makes it so difficult. If he always misbehaved, I'd be frustrated but think that's the way he is and we need help. But he can be such a smart, helpful and kind guy. So that's what I expect as the default, and when he tantrums or attacks, I have no clue where it's coming from...

I'm not exactly comparing myself to supermum (I know I can't be one, and TBH I don't really want to) but of course I've believed they'd be getting better results. Eh well. I guess the only way of dealing with these phases is to plough through somehow...

[sermanya.livejournal.com]

To me, you feel like Super-mom. I had perfect parents who never did anything wrong. And it was hell on earth. I did never have a chance against them. Everything that went wrong was definitely my fault because they were so perfect that it just wasn't possible for them to be the cause of anything negative. It killed so much inside me. I wish I had normal human beings as parents with problems and mistakes, just like you.

[oloriel.livejournal.com]

Perfekte Eltern würden aber nie, nie, nie den Kindern die Schuld für irgendwas geben - es liegt immer an den Lehrern/ der Gesellschaft/ dem Wetter/ jedenfalls an was Anderem ;)

Spaß beiseite: Ich glaube, es besteht ein großer Unterschied zwischen Eltern, die sich für perfekt halten, und Eltern, die einen perfekten (oder jedenfalls verdammt guten) Job machen. Ich bin weder das eine noch das andere. Ich denke, ich mach's ganz ordentlich. Aber ich mach halt auch Fehler. Und jedes Mal habe ich diese flammende Panik, dass ich dadurch viel mehr kaputtmache, als vermutlich realistischer Weise von mir beeinflusst werden kann. Das isses halt.

[sermanya.livejournal.com]

Ich glaub, es macht eine gute Mutter aus, dass sie sich immer wieder hinterfragt und mit den Kindern mitwächst. Das Wichtigste ist sowieso, dass die Kids ein liebevolles, wärmendes Umfeld haben, das ihnen die Sicherheit gibt, die sie für ihre Entwicklung brauchen. Und so wie du erzählst, glaub ich, dass du ihnen das gibst.

[hhimring]

I hope your cold is better now! It must be a lot tougher when you have to deal with your children's cold as well as yours, at the same time.

Sorry to hear about your worries about Felix! You sound a bit doubtful but would there be a way of arranging the kind of smaller group the counsellor suggests? He may be too young for what is available in your neighborhood--but some kind of art or music group, perhaps? Or swimming or something? Something at your local library? Something you could organize yourself? (A small medieval re-enactment group in your barn?)

[oloriel.livejournal.com]

Getting better, but still not quite normal. Loosing your voice is certainly a bloody pain when your kids expect you to sing and read to them...

He took a "swimming" class last year and hated it (that is, he loved the water, but he was scared of the swimming teacher and didn't much care for the exercises). I'm doubtful about any form of organised class for him, as he currently very much wants to choose his own occupation and decide for himself how to go about anything. So any class would again put an additional strain on him in that someone else would be deciding on what to do how and when. Not sure that would help ATM.
(He's not the least bit interested in roleplaying yet. Or, for that matter, in the Middle Ages or any other kind of "theme". So, no point in a re-enactment group.)

See, right now I'm waiting for the counsellor to make her next moves. She wants to see Felix interact in his Kindergarten class first (to see what's going on for herself). Then she wants to talk to his Kindergarten teachers, and the pediatrist. If they all agree afterwards that something should be done, she'll tell me her updated plan. And then I'll find out whether it's possible or not. ;)

[chili-das-schaf.livejournal.com]

Man kann es nie richtig machen. Du machst dir ein schlechtes Gewissen, weil du mit ihm nicht immer fünf km zum nächsten Spielplatz gefahren bist. Ich mache mir eins, weil sie kein eigenes Zimmer hat und wir keinen Garten und sie so gerne draußen ist und ich sie daher deswegen immer mit viel Aufwand auf Spielplätze und Parks schleifen muss. Ist eins der Kinder deswegen schlechter dran als das andere? Das ist doch Unsinn! Wie macalla_ schon schrieb, was hätte er von einer genervten Mutter gehabt, die denkt "schon wieeeeder auf den Spielplatz"?

Wir können nur das Beste aus den Gegebenheiten machen, die sich uns bieten. und das tust du definitiv. Und das, finde ich, zählt doch am Schluss! Du machst dir Gedanken um ihn, das ist doch das Wichtigste, du holst dir Rat und ihr werdet einen Weg für ihn finden.

[oloriel.livejournal.com]

Eigenes Zimmer hat Felix auch erst letztes Weihnachten gekriegt. ;) Er nutzt es auch bis heute nur zum Spielen (aber wenn möglich bitte mit erwachsenen Mitspielern!) und gelegentlich mal zum Einschlafen (mitten in der Nacht ruft er dann nach Mama und möchte wieder ins Elternbett). Wenn er die Spielsachen nach wie vor im Wohnzimmer lagern dürfte, hätte er glaube ich noch gar kein Bedürfnis nach einem eigenen Zimmer. (Vielleicht ändert sich das, wenn Julian anfängt zu krabbeln und seine Duplo-Bauwerke umschmeißt...)

Naja, bei der Sozialisierung hat's das Schäfchen aber sicherlich schon besser. Nicht nur wegen der Spielplätze, sondern auch durch die Tagesbetreuung. Klar, dafür hat Felix den Abenteuerpark vor der Nase - aber den nutzt er ja momentan nicht mal richtig, er hängt ja lieber vor dem Computer und hört ABBA :P

[chili-das-schaf.livejournal.com]

Dashaben wir aber u. a. auch deswegen gemacht, weil Schäfchen schon immer ein wahnsinniges Intersse and Menschen generell und anderen Kindern hatte und wir das Gefühl hatten, ihr da nicht gerecht zu werden. Sie würde ja auch jetzt immer am liebsten alle Kinder mit nach Hause nehmen. Felix hatte ja anscheinend dieses Bedürfnis nicht so sehr und muss dann eben dort ein bisschen gefördert werden. Wäre ja furchtbar, wenn jedes Kind gleich wäre!

Und du darfst dir dafür die Rabenmutterkomplexe sparen von wegen so früh schon fremdbetreut usw ;) du machst das schon alles super, mach dir nicht so viele Gedanken (jaja, einfacher gesagt, ich weiß :) )