Autumnal woes and a motherly revelation
Oct. 22nd, 2014 10:45 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
olorielI've got a cold. This time (presumably - that is, if we've all got the same cold) it didn't come from Felix' Kindergarten, but from the mom-in-law's gym classes, because she got it first, then it went on to Felix, me and Julian (with the two kids getting, as it seems, less violent versions - Felix got a runny nose and a cough, but neither complains about a sore throat nor the headache that's been tormenting his granny); Julian's got a runny nose and a less sweet temper than usual), and finally it reached Jörg. Me, I thought I only had the gentle version as well, but yesterday my throat went all inflamed and now I've got almost no voice and speaking hurts. We'll see how it develops.
***
The night before yesternight, instead of falling asleep, for some reason I started to reword my master's thesis in my mind. For those who only joined this thing recently, I handed my master's thesis in four years ago. The result was not what I had hoped for. This probably was because I hadn't made it sufficiently clear how the text fit the title (BIG don't), but I never actually went back and checked because STILL SORE. At any rate, it was a pass grade, so I thought I'd just leave it behind. My brain apparently thinks otherwise. Quite a useless exercise, of course, lying awake at night tweaking the wording so the connection between title and text fit. I can't use it at all now (though something inside me still wishes I could - I'm really still not over it, it seems), and it's just costing me sleep. Four years too late.
***
Felix is still hitting and shoving kids in his Kindergarten. His teachers asked me to contact the local counselling service because they don't know how to deal with his occasional bouts of violence (when you try to explain the matter to him, he'll shake his head and change the topic). I did as they asked because I'm a Mom Who Cooperates (and also, very insecure).
I'm in so many minds about this.
The first reaction is just "Boys will be boys, he'll grow out of it, don't make such a fuss about it". But of course, this is probably what the parents of genuine bullies think, too. (One of my parental fears is that my kids might be the victims of bullies. Never did I think about the fact that they might be the bullies.) Now, Felix is far from proper bullying ATM, but you just don't know, do you?
The second reaction is guilt and self-reproach. What did I do wrong? Did I somehow give him the idea that hitting others is acceptable? (Those who've known me for longer know that I occasionally used to have a, hm, very physical way of showing my emotions.) Probably not, because most kids hit and shove at some point, but why doesn't he stop, he's such a smart kid so why doesn't he understand it.
The third is, I'm actually glad they're addressing this, because when I was in Kindergarten, there were some kids who typically hit, shoved, pinched or bit other kids - and a typical reaction of the teachers (and of our own parents!) was "Arthur/Kevin/Jacqueline/Thorsten isn't doing that to hurt you, that's just their way of showing that they like you." (And yes, those are the real names of these kids, because even after 25+ years, I still know them. I've forgotten half the names of the people I went to high school with.) Now for one, even as a kid, I knew that "liking" didn't have shit to do with anything. If Jacqueline pulled my hair or Thorsten threw sand in my face, they didn't "like" me, they liked having the power to hurt. Especially as the teachers had pretty much just given up, telling other kids that the bullies just "liked" them and telling them off if they hit back. --- So anyway, I'm relieved that Felix' Kindergarten teachers aren't showing the same attitude, that they tell him off, that they tell me he misbehaved, and that they ask me to find someone who can help Felix grow out of this. I'm glad.
(The fourth is, I'm still annoyed at them. After they told me for the first time, I've tried to implement a bit of a reward system if Felix didn't hurt others in Kindergarten. They didn't tell me of any new instances of hitting or shoving for two weeks, so every day, he got his reward computer time or crisps after dinner. (He, naturally, never came to me and said "I hit so-and-so today".) THEN, after two weeks, one of them suddenly took me aside to tell me that Felix had been hitting and shoving all the time, and we really had to do something about it. WELL HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO SOMETHING IF YOU DON'T TELL ME. Instead, I'd effectively been undermining myself...)
Anyway. So I went to the local counsellor, who noted that Felix' development is "divergent" (you don't say) in that his intellectual capacities (did I mention that he has begun to read?) are far ahead of his social competence (you don't say). Unlike the Kindergarten teachers, who just seem genuinely puzzled, she had a few ideas about how to help him with the latter. She reasons that his "violent" behaviour actually has two conflicting bases, one being a desire for distance and one being a desire for participation. Which would explain the conflicting signals. (I've mostly assumed that he wanted to be left alone, although that didn't fit with the fact that he sometimes went out of his way to hit someone. On the off chance that he was actually trying to initiate contact with this behaviour, I suggested things he could say instead of hitting, like "Can I play, too?" or "May I have this?". But of course I can't prepare him for every possible reaction to such questions!) At any rate, the counsellor suggested that it would help Felix to practice interaction with others in a smaller group of three or so children. Ideally, these would be kids who share his delight in letters (so probably pre-schoolers?) so they now only help him to practice his social skills, they also show him that he isn't alone with his hobby. I dunno. This sounds sensible, but I'm not sure how she thinks she's going to pull that off. For the time being, I'm just relieved that she didn't suggest that there was something deeply wrong with MY PRECIOUS LITTLE SNOWFLAKE...
***
Something else that made me feel relieved (Jörg is laughing at me): This weekend, Felix' godmother came to visit us with her two daughters (aged 5 and 3). Now, unlike me, she's doing everything she does at 150%, including mothering. She's Super-Mom. She follows all the right rules and does all the right things. She's a really nice and lovely person, but she can be a bit intimidating in her perfection, especially to someone like me who is too inconsistent (and sometimes, too lazy) to do all the right things and lacks confidence, too.
She's having the exact same issues as I'm having. That is, maybe she's not blaming herself for it -- but her kids are doing the same things Felix does that I don't want him to do. Well, L. is obviously more mature, but she's 5. But M., the 3-year-old? Throwing the exact same tantrums. Same tendency to hit and shove. Same tendency to ignore warnings and prohibitions. Same tendency to be overwrought and overtired but absolutely refuse to sleep.
You'll probably laugh and roll your eyes, just as Jörg does, but do you know how much of a relief it is for someone who feels inadequate and responsible for everything bad to see that it is exactly the same for a confident Super-Mom? In theory, I know as well as everybody else that tantrums and power struggles are typically for the terrible two/threes. In practice, my kid always seems to be more extreme than the other kids. I know that the other kids are just throwing their tantrums when I'm not witnessing them, and that their parents are just relieved that it isn't them when they see me struggling with Felix. But it always, always feels like I'm the only one who's got these problems, and to top it all off, I'm probably to blame for it, too. And on Sunday, that illusion really proved to be just an illusion. And that makes me so ridiculously happy.
I dunno, I guess part of the problem is that currently, being a mother is my only true occupation. So whenever something goes wrong, it feels like I am wrong, I've only got one effing job on this effing spaceship and I'm not even able of doing that properly. (I'm mostly aware that this is nonsense, but it's still what it feels like.)
So being Super-Mom isn't the answer to all. And being a bit inadequate doesn't ruin everything.
***
One week to go until NaNo. I'm cheating this time and just turning my Japan diary into a novel. So it's really more like a major editing job than like writing anything from scratch, and I'm not sure that a fully-fledged diary still constitutes as an outline (which is permitted) or whether that's more like a first draft (which is not eligible for NaNo). But it is going to be completely rewritten, so I've decided that it counts. It's more sensible than starting yet another unfinished original novel, and I don't want to use NaNo for fanfic. (I write fanfic the other 11 months. Well, not this year. But normally).
***
The night before yesternight, instead of falling asleep, for some reason I started to reword my master's thesis in my mind. For those who only joined this thing recently, I handed my master's thesis in four years ago. The result was not what I had hoped for. This probably was because I hadn't made it sufficiently clear how the text fit the title (BIG don't), but I never actually went back and checked because STILL SORE. At any rate, it was a pass grade, so I thought I'd just leave it behind. My brain apparently thinks otherwise. Quite a useless exercise, of course, lying awake at night tweaking the wording so the connection between title and text fit. I can't use it at all now (though something inside me still wishes I could - I'm really still not over it, it seems), and it's just costing me sleep. Four years too late.
***
Felix is still hitting and shoving kids in his Kindergarten. His teachers asked me to contact the local counselling service because they don't know how to deal with his occasional bouts of violence (when you try to explain the matter to him, he'll shake his head and change the topic). I did as they asked because I'm a Mom Who Cooperates (and also, very insecure).
I'm in so many minds about this.
The first reaction is just "Boys will be boys, he'll grow out of it, don't make such a fuss about it". But of course, this is probably what the parents of genuine bullies think, too. (One of my parental fears is that my kids might be the victims of bullies. Never did I think about the fact that they might be the bullies.) Now, Felix is far from proper bullying ATM, but you just don't know, do you?
The second reaction is guilt and self-reproach. What did I do wrong? Did I somehow give him the idea that hitting others is acceptable? (Those who've known me for longer know that I occasionally used to have a, hm, very physical way of showing my emotions.) Probably not, because most kids hit and shove at some point, but why doesn't he stop, he's such a smart kid so why doesn't he understand it.
The third is, I'm actually glad they're addressing this, because when I was in Kindergarten, there were some kids who typically hit, shoved, pinched or bit other kids - and a typical reaction of the teachers (and of our own parents!) was "Arthur/Kevin/Jacqueline/Thorsten isn't doing that to hurt you, that's just their way of showing that they like you." (And yes, those are the real names of these kids, because even after 25+ years, I still know them. I've forgotten half the names of the people I went to high school with.) Now for one, even as a kid, I knew that "liking" didn't have shit to do with anything. If Jacqueline pulled my hair or Thorsten threw sand in my face, they didn't "like" me, they liked having the power to hurt. Especially as the teachers had pretty much just given up, telling other kids that the bullies just "liked" them and telling them off if they hit back. --- So anyway, I'm relieved that Felix' Kindergarten teachers aren't showing the same attitude, that they tell him off, that they tell me he misbehaved, and that they ask me to find someone who can help Felix grow out of this. I'm glad.
(The fourth is, I'm still annoyed at them. After they told me for the first time, I've tried to implement a bit of a reward system if Felix didn't hurt others in Kindergarten. They didn't tell me of any new instances of hitting or shoving for two weeks, so every day, he got his reward computer time or crisps after dinner. (He, naturally, never came to me and said "I hit so-and-so today".) THEN, after two weeks, one of them suddenly took me aside to tell me that Felix had been hitting and shoving all the time, and we really had to do something about it. WELL HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO SOMETHING IF YOU DON'T TELL ME. Instead, I'd effectively been undermining myself...)
Anyway. So I went to the local counsellor, who noted that Felix' development is "divergent" (you don't say) in that his intellectual capacities (did I mention that he has begun to read?) are far ahead of his social competence (you don't say). Unlike the Kindergarten teachers, who just seem genuinely puzzled, she had a few ideas about how to help him with the latter. She reasons that his "violent" behaviour actually has two conflicting bases, one being a desire for distance and one being a desire for participation. Which would explain the conflicting signals. (I've mostly assumed that he wanted to be left alone, although that didn't fit with the fact that he sometimes went out of his way to hit someone. On the off chance that he was actually trying to initiate contact with this behaviour, I suggested things he could say instead of hitting, like "Can I play, too?" or "May I have this?". But of course I can't prepare him for every possible reaction to such questions!) At any rate, the counsellor suggested that it would help Felix to practice interaction with others in a smaller group of three or so children. Ideally, these would be kids who share his delight in letters (so probably pre-schoolers?) so they now only help him to practice his social skills, they also show him that he isn't alone with his hobby. I dunno. This sounds sensible, but I'm not sure how she thinks she's going to pull that off. For the time being, I'm just relieved that she didn't suggest that there was something deeply wrong with MY PRECIOUS LITTLE SNOWFLAKE...
***
Something else that made me feel relieved (Jörg is laughing at me): This weekend, Felix' godmother came to visit us with her two daughters (aged 5 and 3). Now, unlike me, she's doing everything she does at 150%, including mothering. She's Super-Mom. She follows all the right rules and does all the right things. She's a really nice and lovely person, but she can be a bit intimidating in her perfection, especially to someone like me who is too inconsistent (and sometimes, too lazy) to do all the right things and lacks confidence, too.
She's having the exact same issues as I'm having. That is, maybe she's not blaming herself for it -- but her kids are doing the same things Felix does that I don't want him to do. Well, L. is obviously more mature, but she's 5. But M., the 3-year-old? Throwing the exact same tantrums. Same tendency to hit and shove. Same tendency to ignore warnings and prohibitions. Same tendency to be overwrought and overtired but absolutely refuse to sleep.
You'll probably laugh and roll your eyes, just as Jörg does, but do you know how much of a relief it is for someone who feels inadequate and responsible for everything bad to see that it is exactly the same for a confident Super-Mom? In theory, I know as well as everybody else that tantrums and power struggles are typically for the terrible two/threes. In practice, my kid always seems to be more extreme than the other kids. I know that the other kids are just throwing their tantrums when I'm not witnessing them, and that their parents are just relieved that it isn't them when they see me struggling with Felix. But it always, always feels like I'm the only one who's got these problems, and to top it all off, I'm probably to blame for it, too. And on Sunday, that illusion really proved to be just an illusion. And that makes me so ridiculously happy.
I dunno, I guess part of the problem is that currently, being a mother is my only true occupation. So whenever something goes wrong, it feels like I am wrong, I've only got one effing job on this effing spaceship and I'm not even able of doing that properly. (I'm mostly aware that this is nonsense, but it's still what it feels like.)
So being Super-Mom isn't the answer to all. And being a bit inadequate doesn't ruin everything.
***
One week to go until NaNo. I'm cheating this time and just turning my Japan diary into a novel. So it's really more like a major editing job than like writing anything from scratch, and I'm not sure that a fully-fledged diary still constitutes as an outline (which is permitted) or whether that's more like a first draft (which is not eligible for NaNo). But it is going to be completely rewritten, so I've decided that it counts. It's more sensible than starting yet another unfinished original novel, and I don't want to use NaNo for fanfic. (I write fanfic the other 11 months. Well, not this year. But normally).
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no subject
Date: 2014-10-22 01:36 pm (UTC)Ich kenne dich jetzt schon seit einigen Jahren (10 oder so?) und ich habe dich nie als jemanden wahrgenommen, der solches Benehmen gut heißen oder unterstützen würde (bewusst oder unbewusst).
Das ist jetzt ein Eindruck im Ganzen, sozusagen.
Ich kann mir einfach nicht vorstellen, dass du das in irgendeiner Form heraufbeschworen oder gar unterstützt hast.
Ich denke mal, dass es eine gute Sache ist, Rat zu suchen und auch genau zu beobachten.
Kurz: Ich glaube nicht, dass du was falsch machst.
no subject
Date: 2014-10-23 08:58 am (UTC)Ich fühl mich irgendwie blöd, da extra zur Beratungsstelle zu gehen (andererseits, Jörg zahlt ja nun genügend Steuern...), weil ich ja letztlich weiß, dass das bis zu einem bestimmten Punkt normal ist. Felix fällt halt auf, weil er teilweise schon auf einem viel höheren geistigen Level ist, er aber eben dann doch wieder die Verhaltensweisen eines Dreijährigen zeigt. (Der er ja nun mal ist.) Ich denke, diese Schere zwischen intellektuellem und sozialem Verhalten ist auch das, was den Erzieherinnen so zu schaffen macht - da wissen sie nicht weiter. Soweit kann ich das ja alles selber analysieren, da brauch ich keine Diplomsozialpädagogin und Kinderpsychotherapeutin für.
Andererseits lästere ich immer über die Eltern, die ihre Kinder eigenständig für "hochbegabt" erklären, damit die Schule sie in Ruhe lässt, wenn die Kinder sich danebenbenehmen (natürlich nur, weil sie so unterfordert sind). Also muss ich ja selber besser sein und mir fachlichen Rat holen, selbst wenn der nur bestätigt, was ich eigentlich weiß. Immerhin ist es ja auch nützlich, jetzt ganz offiziell die Diagnose "divergierende Entwicklung" zu haben, auf die ich eben verweisen kann, wenn die Erzieherin wieder hilflos vor mir (der ebenso hilflosen Mutter ;)) steht...
Rational betrachtet weiß ich, dass ich zumindest nichts dramatisch falsch mache. Aber da ist eben immer wieder dieses kleine nagende Gefühl des Zweifels... habe ich bei den Schlafenszeiten doch versagt? Muss ich ihn jetzt doch mal zwingen, aufs Klo zu gehen, statt ihm weiterhin die Windeln zu wechseln? Sollten Kinder in seinem Alter nicht eigentlich GAR nicht an den Computer, auch wenn er da nur ABBA hört und in Word Tabellen mit Inhalt produziert? Und wäre er sozial kompetenter, wenn ich früher brav jede Woche mit ihm die fünf Kilometer zum nächsten Spielplatz gewackelt wäre, um zeitig zu üben, auf seinen Platz auf der Rutsche zu warten und im Sandkasten die Besitzverhältnisse diverser Eimer, Schaufeln und Förmchen zu diskutieren? (Dafür war ich nämlich, ganz ehrlich, zu faul. Und zack! da ist das Schuldgefühl: Hättste mal! Daran liegt's!)
no subject
Date: 2014-10-23 11:30 am (UTC)Wenn du in diesem Fall der Meinung warst, dass es für ihn nicht nötig ist, sich im Sandkasten über den Weltfrieden zu unterhalten, dann hast du als seine Mutter das eben so gesehen.
Dafür hatte er dann möglicherweise eine entspanntere, fröhlichere Mutter, die mehr Zeit für ihn hatte. Woher willst du wissen, dass es nicht das ist, was ganz andere, schlechte Dinge von ihm ferngehalten hat?
Davon abgesehen ist ja auch noch lange nicht gesagt, dass die Spielplatzbesuche irgendwas geändert hätten. Wie du schon erwähnt hast: an sich ist es völlig normal.
Fühl dich einfach mal ganz fest geknuddelt. Du machst das schon gut mit deinen beiden Zwergen.
no subject
Date: 2014-10-25 08:34 am (UTC)Natürlich ist es normal. Aber da ist ja dann wieder dieser Ehrgeiz: Es soll ja besser als normal sein... ;)
Dankesehr. Ich versuch's halt, gell?