Eurovision time at last!

[oloriel]

Soooo! Welcome to the Eurovision Song Contest 2017 not-entirely-live blog. I'll take it that all my gentle readers are familiar with the delightful, over-the-top insanity that's the ESC, but just in case anyone isn't, last year's hosts kindly provided a performance to explain how to produce the perfect winner song, which explains... well, not everything, but a lot:

Peace Peace Love Love (And A Burning Fake Piano)

It is worth noting that all of the things on that stage have been done in past years - yes, including the hamster wheel, the butter-churning, the Russian guy on skates and the Finnish monster rockers - although not all of them have actually won. (Quite a few of them have, though!)

It is also worth nothing that there are actually several winner songs that were not about Love Love Peace Peace, including last year's (and also including Måns' own song "Heroes", which was more about... fighting your inner demons? Something like that, anyway). But on the whole, this is pretty appropriate.



But! Here we are, live from Kiev. This year's motto is "Celebrating Diversity", which is downright political for an event that is supposed to be entirely unpolitical. (Of course, the "no politics" rule gets flouted regularly, like when Georgia sang a song with the entirely unpolitical title "We Don't Wanna Put In", and last year's winner, Jamala's "1944", wasn't entirely undisputed either.)



Well, it was clearly about the First Age. Look, I'm honestly trying to keep my Tolkien geekery out of this but HOW CAN I?

For a show that's Celebrating Diversity, this year's hosts were reeelatively fast to disqualify the Russian participant because she did a concert on the Crimean last year? (I am tempted to quote that "Crimea - A Crime" pun from the Thursday Next books, but that would not exactly be original. Aaaand if I get kicked off LJ now, it was nice knowing you all!)

Well, to hell with politics! This is the frickin' ESC and we're going to PARTY and IGNORE POLITICS now.

Preliminaries: Those toothpaste models really get on my nerves. I want Petra and Måns back please.

Who the bookies think will win: Italy. Followed by Portugal. I feel very meh about them both. I hope the bookies are wrong af.

Who I would like to win: Belarus. Yeah, it's totally frivolous, but it's catchy and light-hearted and ticks all the right Eurovision absurdity boxes. Also, it would allow me to make Eärendil jokes? Pretty please?

Well, we will find out! LET THE GAMES BEGIN!

- - -

The Songs!

Israel
Imri - I feel alive
Sounds off-key. I don't think it's meant to. Not making me feel alive, sorry. Nice arms though, dude!

Poland
Kasia Moś - Flashlight
A power ballad! And not even a bad one! I find her dress disturbing, though.

Belarus
Naviband - Story of my Life
Look, I know it isn't exactly art, it's from the Evil Soviet Empire of Beleri--- I mean, Belarus and it's almost offensively heterosexual, but it's just so joyful! I guess that's what I want this year. No emo. No electronic rhythms. No deeper meaning. Just a ridiculously upbeat couple on a hoverboat.

Austria
Nathan Trent - Running on Air
This left absolutely no impression on me in the second semifinal (and I was NOT distracted by Cicero then!) and I'm not excited now, either. It's cute, I guess.

Armenia
Artsvik - Fly With Me
Just bordering on lawful crazy, but strangely hypnotic. Yeah, bring on the flamethrowers! Everything is more Eurovision-y with flamethrowers.

Netherlands
O'G3NE - Lights and Shadows
Solid. Strong ladies with strong voices, what's not to like? If I can't have Belarus, I'll go with this. Go Netherlands!

Moldova
Sunstroke Project - Hey Mamma
Well, I'll admit it's catchy. And the weird legwork is amusing. Not a fan of the saxophones though. Oh! It's not a wardrobe malfunction, it's surprise!bridal robes! Aaaand there go the flowers.

Hungary
Joci Pápai - Origo
Hungary is taking the diversity thing serious by sending a Romani singer. I dunno, I'd probably enjoy this more if he didn't constantly wear this pained/angry/disgusted expression. Although it's better than the toothpaste grin of some other contestants. It's very cliché though. I would like to like this but I really don't.

Italy
Francesco Gabbani - Occidentali's Karma
This is the bookie's favourite? SRSLY? I mean, it's not bad, but it's just too... lawful schlager? The ape isn't making it any less lawful. Wouldn't mind hearing this on the radio, but as they say on Great British Menu, is it banquet material? I think not.

Denmark
Anja Nissen - Where I Am
Yeah, this is one of the songs that completely flew by me during the first semifinal, and it doesn't do better this time around. It's not bad, but it's entirely unremarkable.

Portugal
Salvador Sobral - Amar Pelos Dois
This, on the other hand, I really don't like. It's boring and it's cheesy. I don't care if it's art, dude's stoned facial expression alone is giving me the creeps. No, he isn't ~really feeling~ the lyrics, he's bloody overacting.

Azerbaijan
Dihaj - Skeletons
Lawful crazy. Not my kind of music, but solid. What's with the horse head though? Possibly trying too hard.

Croatia
Jacques Houdek - My Friend
Operatic Gollum! No really, this guy is singing a duet with himself. It's actually quite fun in a completely absurd way. Fireworks! Rainbows! Sunflowers! Weirdness abounds!

Australia
Isaiah - Don't Come Easy
It still amuses me to no end that Australia has joined Eurovision. Guy's painfully thin though. Handsome face, good voice, but have some sandwiches, for goodness' sake! They do come easy and they do come cheap!

Greece
Demy - This Is Love
Ah, good old Europop. Entertaining but unspectacular. The half-naked guys playing in a puddle are amusing though. Singer looks like a prettier version of Liv Tyler though. Bonus points for that.

Spain
Manel Navarro - Do It For Your Lover
Summer, surf and a rockin' van. Works as a holiday soundtrack, but again, is it banquet material?

Norway
JOWST - Grab the Moment
Too electronic for me. Really don't like the effects. Not a fan of the hoodie and mask fashion either. For what it is, it's OK though, I guess?

---
Måns! Come back! COME BAAACK! Save us from the toothpaste models! Seriously though folks, if you haven't seen The Last Kingdom, THIS IS ALFRED THE GREAT. THIS IS EXACTLY HIM. AND IT IS GLORIOUS. --
What has he got in his pocket? HIS PRECIOUS OF COURSE. Oh no it was just a wallet after all. Bah.
Back to the music!
---

UK
Lucie Jones - Never Give Up On you
Solid but boring. More fun if you pretend that it's an anti-Brexit anthem. Awww, yes, Britain, we'll take your hand and hold on to you and dance through this storm. And never give up on you. If that's what you want.

Cyprus
Hovig - Gravity
Reminds me of da Rag-and-bone man? Not in a bad way, it's just not entirely original.

Romania
Ilinca feat. Alex Florea - Yodel It!
Now this is original. Exactly what it says on the package. Yodelling. With rap thrown in. And glitterng cannons! Bordering on Chaotic Crazy. Absurd in a fun way. I won't mind if this does well.

Germany
Levina - Perfect Life
Perfect legs, more like. Decent song, decent performance, I'd listen to it on the radio. But when all is said and done, it's just not special enough. Neutral Schlager. I really fancy the way that silk skirt flows around her legs though. The rest of the dress sadly didn't get finished in time?

Ukraine
O.Torwald - Time
Ah, it's finally time for a rock ballad. Except it's only rockin' half the time.Meh.

Belgium
Blanche - City Lights
This is another bookie's favourite. And yes, it's catchy and solid and everything. It's just unnecessarily depressing and I'm not a fan of that fashion. Smile, girl! You can sing about city lights and still smile!

Sweden
Robin Bengtsson - I Can't Go On
It's like a grown-up 90s boyband. Guys, next to the hamster wheels of the past, your treadmills just aren't special enough. If you can't go on, why don't you stop?

Bulgaria
Kristian Kostov - Beautiful Mess
Emo kid singing about a love he hasn't actually experienced yet. Gosh, he's so young! I like his jacket, but the gleeves are too much. Oh, you mean I should say something about the song? IDK! It's a bit bland.

France
Alma - Requiem
Hypnotic and depressive at the beginning, and then it turns into Europop. Sad Europop. Sorry, but je ne t'aime pas.

===

And that's it! Time to vote!

Voting interval

Gosh, I hope her hair won't get caught in that chainmail. I had that happen and it's effin' painful.
Ruslana doesn't seem to have aged much, has she?

VOTE FOR BELARUS PEOPLE. ALL ABOARD THE PARTY BOAT.



Next up: ... Imperial Stormtroopers? And traditional folklore instruments. I don't believe in the horsetail drum fart sound thingy. That's 100% a bullshit invention like last year's Queenabyska. OR IS IT?

Well, I'm glad that Jamala believes in U. The alphabet would be so much poorer without it. :P

Read on somebody's Tumblr: "What would be funnier than making the UK host a huge, expensive celebration of Europe in 2018?"
TRUE. CHANGE OF PLANS. VOTE FOR THE UK! >:D

TOOO MANY VOTES FOR PORTUGAL
WHAT ARE YOU DOING

I can see the Italians really identified with the horse head tho SORRY I'M SORRY it was a joke I couldn't refuse

Professional jury my ass. If you let that overacting stoner fool you into believing that was ~art~ that's not professional!

12 points to Greece from Cyprus. EVERYBODY IS SURPRISED.

Asking the Romanian presenter how Hungary voted wasn't entirely professional either. *facepalms*

Now, finally for the REAL votes by the paying public, dammit!

Well, so much for "Germany's not going to end up last again". No, we're second to last, that's way better! :P

Do I really have to root for the Bulgarian anime kid now? No chance though.

Portugal it is. Eff that shit. I am genuinely disappointed in the bad taste of my fellow Europeans. I can only assume that everybody wanted to ruin that poor country. Pfffff. Yeah right like this was about ~honest music~. More like pretentious? GIVE ME FIREWORKS ANYTIME.

Right, I don't want to hear that tripe again. Cannot cope, off to bed.