Arghlblargh

[oloriel]

I'm physically sick with anxiety for one, or both, of two reasons.

- finished and posted the questionable meta/shipping manifesto/essay/thing. Well, probably pretentious enough to count as an essay. 44 references on six pages, WTF. Also, provocative much. And probably offending the wrong people. Why did I ever think this was a good idea. Time for the usual "They're gonna kick me out of fandom" angst and much internal hand-wringing etc. The canatics are going to kill me anyway.

- got a call from the bossman from hell. More angst. Turns out they pretty urgently need someone competent to do the calendar of events. Everything has gotten better since last year except that clearly it hasn't. (Between the lines, masked between plenty of "his qualities lie elsewhere" and "the trainee is helping out but you need solid general knowledge to do it right", it appears that the rest of the team just aren't up to it. Well, it is taxing, and the things that were supposed to make it easier last year actually made it worse, which has probably not changed.) Well, I know I can do the job. It wasn't the fun part of working at the magazine but it wasn't the worst either. The question isn't even "do I want to do it?" (To which the answer is "meh, but I don't terribly mind", which is prbly good enough?) The question is "should I sell my soul to that particular devil again" and. I just don't know.

Blargh.

Comments

[oloriel]

Thank you for your kind words. They actually made me well up a bit, that's how touched I am.

I do feel compelled to say that I'm actually an opinionated asshole. I try to base my opinions on reason and resarch*, but in the end, I'm petty and stubborn and too lazy to go the extra mile, etc. etc. More loopy than hoopy and more drone than bee!

So to some extent, my anxieties do have their reasons (and isn't it my own fault for not trying harder?), although, as you rightly observe, anxieties aren't wholly rational (and of course there are worse people in the world and they don't even seem to care!), and they have that pesky tendency to always raise a "but you should" that isn't necessary.

That said, I am immensely grateful for your support, especially as I know that you aren't in a good place yourself. And I really shouldn't be crying on your shoulder because really, this is a ridiculous reason to feel so shaky.
So, thank you so much for taking the time to write this. I'm too embarrassed to reply to all your lovely assurances², but please know that they're very much appreciated.

Sniffle.

----

*sometimes ridiculously so.

² besides, I'd just end up deflecting them all, a.k.a. "I'm a fake scholar" and "I'm a fake friend", which would rather defeat the purpose.

[cowboy_r]

Of course you're an opinionated asshole! You're my friend, aren't you? I don't think I have any other kind! And, you know... in case you haven't noticed... I've got the other oar in that boat!

And don't worry about crying on my shoulder. It's reasonably well padded, and I often wear absorbent shirts. That's what friends do... they help each other get through things.

[oloriel]

That made me chuckle! Thank you. *hugs*