Arghlblargh

[oloriel]

I'm physically sick with anxiety for one, or both, of two reasons.

- finished and posted the questionable meta/shipping manifesto/essay/thing. Well, probably pretentious enough to count as an essay. 44 references on six pages, WTF. Also, provocative much. And probably offending the wrong people. Why did I ever think this was a good idea. Time for the usual "They're gonna kick me out of fandom" angst and much internal hand-wringing etc. The canatics are going to kill me anyway.

- got a call from the bossman from hell. More angst. Turns out they pretty urgently need someone competent to do the calendar of events. Everything has gotten better since last year except that clearly it hasn't. (Between the lines, masked between plenty of "his qualities lie elsewhere" and "the trainee is helping out but you need solid general knowledge to do it right", it appears that the rest of the team just aren't up to it. Well, it is taxing, and the things that were supposed to make it easier last year actually made it worse, which has probably not changed.) Well, I know I can do the job. It wasn't the fun part of working at the magazine but it wasn't the worst either. The question isn't even "do I want to do it?" (To which the answer is "meh, but I don't terribly mind", which is prbly good enough?) The question is "should I sell my soul to that particular devil again" and. I just don't know.

Blargh.

Comments

[ysilme]

*warm hugs of sympathy* *offers to lend souvenir Viking sword to fight off inner and outer demons*
I'm looking forward to reading it (in a bit; my brain's too full of travel impressions and sifting through holiday pics to concentrate on anything else right now ;o) ), it sounds really interesting, and also like shedding some light on fannish times for me the latecomer to fandom in general and Tolkien fandom in particular, and also to slash fanfic.
Sorry the bossman question is giving you anxiety, too. Difficult to tell. I'm in a place today where I wouldn't do it any more, because I did it too often and paid the price. But a few years back I would've accepted, and it wouldn't have been a completely wrong decision. (Sorry, not being helpful here. Just saying I get it. *hugs again* ) Any useable gut feelings available about this?

[heartofoshun]

Hey, I jumped right on that META, as soon as it appeared. You can read my remarks there on the SWG. I don't think you have to worry about this question in the Silmarillion fandom these days. People aren't as quick to stick their necks out and fly high the flag of their homophobia! I guess Tolkien's innermost thoughts are still scared perhaps, but those people are not writing fanfic in my circles. Anyway, I loved it. A really nice collection of arguments and facts. We all know, however, you'd be kicking in an open door with me.

[ysilme]

*loves this*

[cowboy_r]

I know from experience that anxieties aren't rational, but that doesn't make them less scary. I also know from experience that having someone supportive can make a big difference.

So here we go, ready?

You are totes brill. Without your contributions, Flowers of Luna would not be the book it is today. You helped me so very much, and I am so deeply grateful to you.

You are one of my oldest and dearest friends, even though we've never met face to face. If I needed to flee America, yours would probably be the first door I knocked on. It's less likely that you and your family will need to flee Germany, but if you did, you'd find my door open to you even before you knocked.

You're a good scholar. I know, you felt dissuaded from continuing your academic career, but I have always found what you write to be reasonable and well grounded in research. Exhaustive, extensive research. Plus? Footnotes!¹

In short, my old friend, you are all that plus the bag of chips. You are a heapin' helpin' of awesome, with a slathered covering of awesomesauce. You are one hoopy frood, the bee's knees, and the cat's meow!

And just as my world would be poorer without you, so would Tolkien fandom.

---

[1]I mean, dude! Footnotes!

[hhimring]

Hugs.
I read the essay. The cold I already had on Sunday has gotten worse, so unable to comment much right now. Besides, you know full well that I ship the ship! But, thumbs up!

Also, good luck with that other decision!

[oloriel]

As so often, you're scary fast in reading and replying! I'll respond to your remarks separately at the SWG, but thank you so much.

In general, I'm more scared of a "this is really poor scholarship and ludicrous reasoning" sort of reproach than of the homophobics. I don't mind stepping on THEIR toes, though I can't say I care for a shitstorm... (I am terrified of accidentally having employed politically incorrect terminology that'll offend someone on whose side I thought I was, though.) hhimring suggested posting it at the LOTR LJ community for their non-fiction challenge this month (which would take it out of our circles ;)) and I'm keeping that in mind, but I think I'll first wait to see how it fares in the relatively safe and friendly waters of the SWG.

I do have to say that your comments have been seriously encouraging! Since you're such a prolific essay writer yourself and probably on a first-name basis with every single tome of the HoME, and you didn't say something along the lines of "I agree in principle but your arguments are bullshit", that's a glimmer of hope. *hugs*

[oloriel]

Aww! I wasn't actually begging for reads or reviews (though I do hope you find it interesting; it's not going very deep into fannish times in the dawning 21st century, I'm afraid).

Paying the price sounds ominous. Thing is, I'm "young and need the money" (or rather, no longer entirely young and in need of the job experience) and I don't really have anything better to do right now. For my mental balance, it would probably be safer to say no and stay well away; for my future prospects, it's probably better to do it for a year or so until I'm in a situation to apply for something more decent. The gut feelings are "Yes but, no but", which is sadly not helpful at all.

Thanks for the offer of the sword though. I'll just swing it around a bit until I'm too tired to angst, is that OK?

[oloriel]

*hugs*
Argh, I feel like everytime I whine you feel the need to build me up. That's not my intention at all. You've got more than enough on your plate and you've already been so generous both about my writing and my whining. So you really don't have to apologise or explain why you didn't manage to comment. I am not entitled to your kindness! (Though I appreciate it very much!)

Hope you get better soon!

Thank you. I'm still at a loss but I have time until (at least) next week to think of what to say. And it's entirely possible that he's forgotten it by then and will only call again in a couple of months. So I have time to discuss it with the folks around me and come to a more balanced conclusion? I hope. Anyway, thank you! *hugs again*

[oloriel]

Thank you for your kind words. They actually made me well up a bit, that's how touched I am.

I do feel compelled to say that I'm actually an opinionated asshole. I try to base my opinions on reason and resarch*, but in the end, I'm petty and stubborn and too lazy to go the extra mile, etc. etc. More loopy than hoopy and more drone than bee!

So to some extent, my anxieties do have their reasons (and isn't it my own fault for not trying harder?), although, as you rightly observe, anxieties aren't wholly rational (and of course there are worse people in the world and they don't even seem to care!), and they have that pesky tendency to always raise a "but you should" that isn't necessary.

That said, I am immensely grateful for your support, especially as I know that you aren't in a good place yourself. And I really shouldn't be crying on your shoulder because really, this is a ridiculous reason to feel so shaky.
So, thank you so much for taking the time to write this. I'm too embarrassed to reply to all your lovely assurances², but please know that they're very much appreciated.

Sniffle.

----

*sometimes ridiculously so.

² besides, I'd just end up deflecting them all, a.k.a. "I'm a fake scholar" and "I'm a fake friend", which would rather defeat the purpose.

[independence1776]

I haven't read the essay yet, but I will. Given that I'm not a Maedhros/Fingon shipper, I really am interested in it.

Ugh. Necessity versus known badness. That's not a decision I envy you. Good luck?

[cowboy_r]

Of course you're an opinionated asshole! You're my friend, aren't you? I don't think I have any other kind! And, you know... in case you haven't noticed... I've got the other oar in that boat!

And don't worry about crying on my shoulder. It's reasonably well padded, and I often wear absorbent shirts. That's what friends do... they help each other get through things.

[oloriel]

You don't have to! And I'm not meaning to say that you HAVE to ship them! Just that it's not as far out there as people often think.

Thank you. Still haven't come to a conclusion, but who knows? One may present itself. >_>

[independence1776]

That's actually why I want to read the essay. After hanging out with shippers for so many years, I could probably explain why, but I want your perspective on it!

[oloriel]

That made me chuckle! Thank you. *hugs*

[dawn_felagund]

I can't wait to read your essay! It will be my reward later today for getting some school year prep work done.

The canatics are going to kill me anyway.

The canatics are going to have to come through a lot of us wizened old bats of fandom first. ;)

(I just thought, "Are there still canatics??" and then realized, "Ah. TUMBLR. Of course there are.")

I hope the anxiety has gotten better. (As someone who suffers physical pain when under too much stress, I understand being physically sick because of it.) Anyway ... thinking of you and hoping that the job issues resolve themselves too! <3

[oloriel]

Thrilled that you were thinking of my essay as a reward. <3

Well, the canatics are probably not going to find it as the SWG. Still vacillating whether I should use it for the LOTR community nonfic challenge -THAT would probably get it into the way of some old-school canatics.
(I expect canatics are going to exist as long as the fandom does, though perhaps canaticism as an excuse for homophobia is going to get rarer as same-sex relationship are becoming more "normal"? One can hope, I suppose.)

It's OK at the moment, though I'm afraid it's going to come back once the job issues rear their head again. So many factors contributing to the decision-making trouble here. Hoping for some magical solution to present itself...

But thank you! *hugs*

[dawn_felagund]

Still vacillating whether I should use it for the LOTR community nonfic challenge -THAT would probably get it into the way of some old-school canatics.

I've never had a run-in with canatics there (although, yes, I know they are there; MPTT was more conservative than SoA in my fanfic survey), and I've posted some stuff that is beyond fluffy Hobbit picnics (like Boromir/OMC slash for one Yule Exchange). I've had people whom I expect pointedly avoided my work--i.e., I see them comment on everyone else's but not mine--but that's fine! That's precisely what I want canatics to do: not read stuff that will piss them off.

The expectation for LotRGen is civility (in fact a lot of the language for MPTT's ToS was taken directly from the SWG's). So I think you should go for it, and I will keep an eye out too as a mod if that makes you feel more comfortable. Also, like Oshun said, I think we're finally at the point where the outright homophobia of our early days is not acceptable to express so openly anymore, even in the form of being "against slash."

[oloriel]

I should probably just stop being such a big baby about it. >_>

But. Since you are a mod, can I ask the big ratings question? As usual, I'm completely stumped by that. I mean, am I already outside the "G to PG-13" rating by referencing words like (OMG!) "cunnus" and "coitus"? Am I violating the community rules by mentioning canonic incest and the possibility of mpreg? I honestly don't know. I mean, you know the thing, it's not graphic, but it uses these exact words. Does that make it R-rated? I hadn't realised that the LotR comm is basically MPTT's LJ base. (Has it always been? Goes to show how long I haven't been there.)

[dawn_felagund]

It is! The history of the group is that it started as a genfic off-shoot for the LotR Discipline!Fic Yahoo! group. It sort of became its own thing, with a Yahoo! group and an LJ comm and monthly genfic challenges. I doubt most people now even realize that they were affiliated.

The mods of the genfic group decided they wanted an archive for the group, so they "hired" me to build it all those years ago, and I've been a mod there ever since. Many Paths to Tread, iIrc, was the name voted by the members of the group.

Here are MPTT's ratings. No, I don't think your essay is R-rated. MPTT tends to escalate ratings less based on the presence of mature content in a story and more based on how graphic or detailed that it is. I think your essay is solidly PG: It discusses mature topics, but it's not like your mere mention of mpreg accompanies a graphic butt!birth scene (sorry!) or prolonged cousin!snogging. You're discussing those topics but in a scholarly context.

Here's the PG description:

A PG-rated story should be read by parents before they let their younger children read it. The PG rating indicates, in the view of the moderators, that parents may consider some material unsuitable for their children, and parents should make that decision.
The more mature themes in some PG-rated stories may call for parental guidance. There may be some mild profanity and some descriptions of violence. There might be character death. Sexual activity should be mild (such as kissing or embracing). Anything beyond that should be only implied rather than described. There may be some slightly more intense kissing or possibly subtle sexual innuendo. Some of the somewhat more mature themes such as death, pregnancy and/or childbirth, puberty, peer pressure, crime, or alcohol or substance abuse, to name a few, may make an appearance. But these elements are not deemed so powerful or intense as to require that parents be strongly cautioned beyond the suggestion of parental guidance. However, the discussion of such themes in the story may be more in depth than in a G rated story.

Really, I think ratings applied to nonfiction are pretty silly ... but personal views aside, I think you're perfectly safe within PG.

Also, in all my years on MPTT, we've had to ask someone to change a rating just once, so it's not like the mods are particularly stringent or even keeping a close eye on how content is rated.