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Dec. 3rd, 2019 07:16 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
olorielSo it turned out that my free weekday was load-bearing.
Like. I knew that it was a really pleasant day to have. Unlike the weekend, when everybody is at home and clamouring for attention and expecting things because, after all, it's the free weekend, that was a day that I had pretty much to myself, and I needed that. I knew I'd miss it once it was gone. I didn't realise how much, though.
In November, the free day turned into an additional workday, with my qualification classes at ZfSL (or "seminary") from 9:30 to 16:00, which is already a lot of time during which I have to perform the role of attentive, highly motivated, sociable and fully capable adult (even during break time, which is after all spent with the other trainees). By the luck (not) of the draw, seminary is in Siegen. Siegen is 60 km from where I live as the raven flies, but unfortuantely I cannot fly, so I have the delightful options of either taking mostly country roads through the scenic Sauerland, which is every bit as remote as it sounds, or take the highway all the way to Cologne and then take the A4 eastwards, or take the highway towards Hagen and then take the A45 eastwards. (I'm currently going for a combination of "country roads until they meet the A45 or A4" but that probably won't work in real winter.) As a result, my commute takes an hour and ten minutes at a good time, and can easily take up to two hours during rush hour. So in reality, I'm away from home (and, what's worse, have to be fully focused) for twelve hours. I'm only teaching two additional classes, but those de facto twelve hours of seminary are grinding me down. For three weeks now, I've been constantly on the verge of crying just from exhaustion, and that's without anything sad happening. (That, or laughing hysterically. At seminary last week, I had an absolutely infantile laughing flash when a colleague told us how her four-year old daughter had stood in the living-room and declared loudly, "Alexa! Spiel Rotzi Kotzi!"* Which is funny, but is it funny enough to laugh-cry and get stomach cramps? Probably not.) Seminary itself is OK in parts and really interesting in others, but it's hard work. Lots of reading, lots of group work where you can't let anyone down. It's also slightly annoying that even with all the students being cooperative, highly motivated adults, the seminary teachers' plans never fit the actual time frame - something that would cost us trainee teachers points once they start observing our actual classes! On the plus side (I suppose?) it makes me appreciate more what the students have to do: Sitting through up to eight hours of lessons where they're expected to participate and perform, on top of going through puberty and trying to have hobbies and a social life. Student is a hard job, without a question.
It's a tough time in school. There are conferences, parent-teacher talks and other additional things every other week. Although I'm still officially a part-time teacher, I still have to participate full-time in these things, and it all adds up. It's also a stressful time for the students. We're half-way between fall break and the Christmas vacation, a time full of written exams and presentations and the usual problems that come with all that. With Christmas approaching, at least a third of the kids are exuberant with expectation and at least one third are frustrated with the gap between their real life and the glamourised image of happy families and unlimited wealth in the pre-Christmas commercials. Kids at our school come from all walks of life, so there's lots of material for conflict and crises. At best, teaching them is like herding cats; on occasion, it feels like putting one fire out while someone in the back of class lights the next three. I love the teaching! But believe it or not, it's hard work. In an attempt to summon some holiday spirit in the middle of this stressful time, I've packed an advent calendar for my 6th graders (they're 25 kids, so it more or less works out) when I packed the advent calendars for my own kids. They seem to appreciate it so far; I can only hope that nobody will be upset because they're number, like, 23 instead of 5. (I let them draw lots, so it was all in the hands of Lady Luck, but still.) We're having a class Christmas party next week (another long day), and I have to admit that I'm rather relieved that the class voted against doing an English play or rehearsing some English carols for the occasion...
Then, when I get home, of course there's still family life to maintain, because it's not the kids' fault that I'm now as busy and exhausted as their dad. And it's not Jörg's fault that things like buying groceries or doing the laundry or making dinner just plain putting the kids to bed are now an additional load on an already long list, rather than something that I can easily do on my free day or at the end of a manageable half-day. This is something we'll have to suss out anew, too.
Probably as a result of all this, my mind absolutely closes down when it comes to analytical thinking, which is awkward because I still haven't finished the fandom studies essay I've been working on since before the summer holidays. It just won't come together and it's so frustrating because I know what I'm trying to say but I don't know how to say it, and the mere thought of putting the bibliography together makes me want to cry (yet again). The only thing I want to write is TEA, because I currently know (more or less) what's happening next and also because it's currently offering the gratification of some really great comments. But even when I have the time to write (something other than tests and work sheets or assignments for seminary), I feel guilty about writing fanfic rather than the essay. I should just withdraw, but after already asking for an extension, that feels like a massive failure. I was so hoping to get a foot back in the academic door with that essay, with the long-term goal being possibly doing a PhD in Tolkien Studies (hey, if that's an actual specialisation in English Philology, I may as well use it). But whom am I kidding? I don't have the stamina for that kind of academic work if I can't even write a crappy essay.
In conclusion, I'm not a happy camper right now. I'm hoping that things will get easier with habit and that it won't be going like this for the full two years that seminary lasts. I hope my current state is just the normal adjustment to a new challenge, rather than actual burn-out. I really don't need that.
Adulting is haaard.
- - -
*Rolf Zukowski is a popular childrens' singer-songwriter in Germany. He was already hugely popular when I was a kid - my first "pop" concert was a Rolf Zukowski concert! The kid's rendering of his name as Rotzi Kotzi is doubly hilarious not just because it sounds funny, but also because Rotze is snot and Kotze is puke.
Like. I knew that it was a really pleasant day to have. Unlike the weekend, when everybody is at home and clamouring for attention and expecting things because, after all, it's the free weekend, that was a day that I had pretty much to myself, and I needed that. I knew I'd miss it once it was gone. I didn't realise how much, though.
In November, the free day turned into an additional workday, with my qualification classes at ZfSL (or "seminary") from 9:30 to 16:00, which is already a lot of time during which I have to perform the role of attentive, highly motivated, sociable and fully capable adult (even during break time, which is after all spent with the other trainees). By the luck (not) of the draw, seminary is in Siegen. Siegen is 60 km from where I live as the raven flies, but unfortuantely I cannot fly, so I have the delightful options of either taking mostly country roads through the scenic Sauerland, which is every bit as remote as it sounds, or take the highway all the way to Cologne and then take the A4 eastwards, or take the highway towards Hagen and then take the A45 eastwards. (I'm currently going for a combination of "country roads until they meet the A45 or A4" but that probably won't work in real winter.) As a result, my commute takes an hour and ten minutes at a good time, and can easily take up to two hours during rush hour. So in reality, I'm away from home (and, what's worse, have to be fully focused) for twelve hours. I'm only teaching two additional classes, but those de facto twelve hours of seminary are grinding me down. For three weeks now, I've been constantly on the verge of crying just from exhaustion, and that's without anything sad happening. (That, or laughing hysterically. At seminary last week, I had an absolutely infantile laughing flash when a colleague told us how her four-year old daughter had stood in the living-room and declared loudly, "Alexa! Spiel Rotzi Kotzi!"* Which is funny, but is it funny enough to laugh-cry and get stomach cramps? Probably not.) Seminary itself is OK in parts and really interesting in others, but it's hard work. Lots of reading, lots of group work where you can't let anyone down. It's also slightly annoying that even with all the students being cooperative, highly motivated adults, the seminary teachers' plans never fit the actual time frame - something that would cost us trainee teachers points once they start observing our actual classes! On the plus side (I suppose?) it makes me appreciate more what the students have to do: Sitting through up to eight hours of lessons where they're expected to participate and perform, on top of going through puberty and trying to have hobbies and a social life. Student is a hard job, without a question.
It's a tough time in school. There are conferences, parent-teacher talks and other additional things every other week. Although I'm still officially a part-time teacher, I still have to participate full-time in these things, and it all adds up. It's also a stressful time for the students. We're half-way between fall break and the Christmas vacation, a time full of written exams and presentations and the usual problems that come with all that. With Christmas approaching, at least a third of the kids are exuberant with expectation and at least one third are frustrated with the gap between their real life and the glamourised image of happy families and unlimited wealth in the pre-Christmas commercials. Kids at our school come from all walks of life, so there's lots of material for conflict and crises. At best, teaching them is like herding cats; on occasion, it feels like putting one fire out while someone in the back of class lights the next three. I love the teaching! But believe it or not, it's hard work. In an attempt to summon some holiday spirit in the middle of this stressful time, I've packed an advent calendar for my 6th graders (they're 25 kids, so it more or less works out) when I packed the advent calendars for my own kids. They seem to appreciate it so far; I can only hope that nobody will be upset because they're number, like, 23 instead of 5. (I let them draw lots, so it was all in the hands of Lady Luck, but still.) We're having a class Christmas party next week (another long day), and I have to admit that I'm rather relieved that the class voted against doing an English play or rehearsing some English carols for the occasion...
Then, when I get home, of course there's still family life to maintain, because it's not the kids' fault that I'm now as busy and exhausted as their dad. And it's not Jörg's fault that things like buying groceries or doing the laundry or making dinner just plain putting the kids to bed are now an additional load on an already long list, rather than something that I can easily do on my free day or at the end of a manageable half-day. This is something we'll have to suss out anew, too.
Probably as a result of all this, my mind absolutely closes down when it comes to analytical thinking, which is awkward because I still haven't finished the fandom studies essay I've been working on since before the summer holidays. It just won't come together and it's so frustrating because I know what I'm trying to say but I don't know how to say it, and the mere thought of putting the bibliography together makes me want to cry (yet again). The only thing I want to write is TEA, because I currently know (more or less) what's happening next and also because it's currently offering the gratification of some really great comments. But even when I have the time to write (something other than tests and work sheets or assignments for seminary), I feel guilty about writing fanfic rather than the essay. I should just withdraw, but after already asking for an extension, that feels like a massive failure. I was so hoping to get a foot back in the academic door with that essay, with the long-term goal being possibly doing a PhD in Tolkien Studies (hey, if that's an actual specialisation in English Philology, I may as well use it). But whom am I kidding? I don't have the stamina for that kind of academic work if I can't even write a crappy essay.
In conclusion, I'm not a happy camper right now. I'm hoping that things will get easier with habit and that it won't be going like this for the full two years that seminary lasts. I hope my current state is just the normal adjustment to a new challenge, rather than actual burn-out. I really don't need that.
Adulting is haaard.
- - -
*Rolf Zukowski is a popular childrens' singer-songwriter in Germany. He was already hugely popular when I was a kid - my first "pop" concert was a Rolf Zukowski concert! The kid's rendering of his name as Rotzi Kotzi is doubly hilarious not just because it sounds funny, but also because Rotze is snot and Kotze is puke.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-03 11:41 pm (UTC)I really don't think you should be beating yourself up over that essay. But I might have a bit of time to look at it for you before or around Christmas, if that seems as if it might be useful? (Not before the 15th at the earliest, though.)
ETA: Agreeing with Ysilme below that before feeling guilty about writing TEA, you should perhaps consider whether doing so isn't load-bearing and even an important form of self-care for you?
no subject
Date: 2019-12-04 05:11 pm (UTC)It may be that, but it's still another thing that eats time in which I should be getting other things, that I will regret not having done later. >_>
no subject
Date: 2019-12-03 11:42 pm (UTC)About the sussing out of joint duties: my regular workkload is usually much less than Siljan's, when we're not actually painting the house or so. So I take over a lot larger load of the household and running the family. Even so, some parts sometimes get too much for me, but for the longest time I refused to ask him to do more, because it didn't feel right to ask even more of him, even if I wasn't able to cope with it myself any longer. I learned through one break down that it's all right to ask even so, or even to exepct him to take over a bit more of the joint duties. And it turned out that he even profits as well. In having to do more of the joint stuff, he also realised more where he is inefficient or causes additional work, and got more effective in some regards, or less chaotic. ^^ And we made sure he also took over a few of the duties that also give satisfaction, which does him good - he said that sometimes, after a bad day at work, it helps him to do a chore for the family well and get satisfaction from that.
I imagine most of this is already happening between the two of you, as being parents with kids certainly wouldn't work otherwise. But if you're, like me, always feeling a bit guilty, or used to, of asking him something you could do because his job is more demanding than yours, perhaps this helps you feeling less so.
I'm also full of sympathy about the Tolkien situation. Doing a training alongside a job is no small thing, on the contrary; and it's no wonder that you don't really have the energy right now. Are you burning your bridges if you have to put that on the back-burner right now (no pun intended), and concentrate on the training until it's done? I'm sure there will be times when the demands to you will lessen, and when your family also will need less energy from you.
But please try to not feel guilty about writing fanfic! Doing that is something you do for yourself, and who knows, it could very well be load-bearing, too! It's something where your mind can get to an easier and more comfortable place, and you're certainly in need of having that for yourself! *hugs*
no subject
Date: 2019-12-04 05:18 pm (UTC)I'm probably not burning any bridges, but the deadline for this particular anthology is on December 31, and I really want my essay to be in it. It just refuses to be written. I definitely intend not to do anything further WRT the Tolkien Studies situation; the topic of that anthology - and the fact that there was plenty of time and a promising-looking early draft when I signed up! - just were too good to miss. Argh.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-04 01:16 am (UTC)Two years? Eep! Will it help to give yourself some form of countdown? (A paper chain, something like an advent calendar...anything to help you see the goal getting closer on the crappiest days?)
It sounds like you have very little time not spoken for right now, but a desperate need for some time to yourself to just let your mind relax and decompress. Is there any way you can use part of your commute to bear a little load? I have an hour commute (each way) two days a week right now, but I take it on back roads to the greatest extent possible for better scenery and less traffic, and for the most part it's soothing. I pay attention to the road, of course, but there's still the scenery and I can let part of my mind wander... Country roads through the scenic Sauerland might take a little longer, but if it's less stressful, maybe it's worth it?
If that doesn't work, it sounds to me like part of your adjustment to the new challenge needs to involve finding a new coping mechanism, because having zero time to yourself doesn't seem tenable for you. You have to do your self-care or you will burn out. And everything, from family life to school to seminary will suffer in that case.
Either way, if you want to write TEA, then write TEA. If that's what works to de-stress you right now, go with it and don't feel guilty about it. (It's not that you don't have the stamina for academic work, it's that you don't have the stamina right now. It won't be that way forever.)
no subject
Date: 2019-12-04 05:32 pm (UTC)Driving time is not relaxation time anymore. It worked for a long time - my commute to school also takes 40 minutes, so I already have plenty of scenic driving every day. But everything above 45 minutes is a drag. I have begun to actively hate the town I pass through on my way to both school and seminary. It's a reasonably nice town with a little castle, a reservoir lake and lots of pretty old houses, but I can only see it as the bottleneck I have to get through every day at the moment.
Additionally, it's the end of the year, which means that you get either fog, ice, road constructions (because every city is using up its annual building budget at this time), or any combination of the above. Country roads mean constant vigilance. Relaxed driving, for me, is driving at a fairly constant (and, I admit it, fairly high) speed - not crawling behind a lorry up steep curves or waiting at yet another "temporary" traffic light (that, due to winter weather, will probably be there at least until March).
I know that! But I haven't found it yet.
It might de-stress me, if I felt I had the time to do it! And that essay still won't write itself, and very likely wouldn't be published outside that particular anthology. The deadline for it is on December 31, so it's absolutely no use if my stamina returns in 2022 or something. I know withdrawing would be reasonable, but then it won't be published and I'll forever be annoyed about that, too - whether feeling guilty about it "helps" or not. >_>
no subject
Date: 2019-12-04 07:30 pm (UTC)Are there any fellow trainees in your area you could carpool with? Split the driving so you drive one week, they drive the next?
It doesn't seem like you've got a lot of good options on the essay front. (Can you ask Jörg to take the kids out of the house for some daddy time on a weekend or once school is out for Christmas break and give yourself X hours to get it written?)
no subject
Date: 2019-12-04 08:31 pm (UTC)There is one (living in the Town I Currently Hate), but I'm not yet sure if being able to sing along badly to my own music in questionable taste isn't worth the ordeal of driving alone. XD
That's too late. I should have submitted the draft ten days ago; the 31st is the deadline for the finalised essay, no more room for error. The draft has to happen now or it won't happen at all. (Besides, when school is over for Christmas, I'll have to prepare for the family get-together. The only vacation days that aren't spoken for (yet) are Dec 27th to Jan 1st. That's a bit too close even for my procrastinatory self.) And of course, the more I reflect on these facts, the more my brain refuses to cooperate! *headdesks*
no subject
Date: 2019-12-04 09:07 pm (UTC)If Christmas break is too late, what about this weekend or next? Or are they already booked up as well? (If that's the case, I'm going to pass you chocolate and condolences, cause I don't see how you're going to get it done.)
no subject
Date: 2019-12-05 06:54 pm (UTC)They're not officially booked yet, but that doesn't mean there aren't any expectations for them. We shall see (TM).
no subject
Date: 2019-12-04 12:45 pm (UTC)I agree with everyone else that writing TEA sounds like it's load-bearing and stress relief and that you absolutely need it without the guilt.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-04 05:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-12-04 06:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-12-06 07:37 am (UTC)But if you simply haven't got the time / energy / headspace for that essay right now--and it does sound as if it might well be the case--then I doubt that this is really the last chance to write or publish it. You can try again at a better time. Except if the essay now becomes a Great Guilt God (as per Douglas Adams), because then it might be better to start afresh with a new essay topic, when the time comes, that has fewer negative associations.