The lyf so short

So it turned out that my free weekday was load-bearing.

Like. I knew that it was a really pleasant day to have. Unlike the weekend, when everybody is at home and clamouring for attention and expecting things because, after all, it's the free weekend, that was a day that I had pretty much to myself, and I needed that. I knew I'd miss it once it was gone. I didn't realise how much, though.

In November, the free day turned into an additional workday, with my qualification classes at ZfSL (or "seminary") from 9:30 to 16:00, which is already a lot of time during which I have to perform the role of attentive, highly motivated, sociable and fully capable adult (even during break time, which is after all spent with the other trainees). By the luck (not) of the draw, seminary is in Siegen. Siegen is 60 km from where I live as the raven flies, but unfortuantely I cannot fly, so I have the delightful options of either taking mostly country roads through the scenic Sauerland, which is every bit as remote as it sounds, or take the highway all the way to Cologne and then take the A4 eastwards, or take the highway towards Hagen and then take the A45 eastwards. (I'm currently going for a combination of "country roads until they meet the A45 or A4" but that probably won't work in real winter.) As a result, my commute takes an hour and ten minutes at a good time, and can easily take up to two hours during rush hour. So in reality, I'm away from home (and, what's worse, have to be fully focused) for twelve hours. I'm only teaching two additional classes, but those de facto twelve hours of seminary are grinding me down. For three weeks now, I've been constantly on the verge of crying just from exhaustion, and that's without anything sad happening. (That, or laughing hysterically. At seminary last week, I had an absolutely infantile laughing flash when a colleague told us how her four-year old daughter had stood in the living-room and declared loudly, "Alexa! Spiel Rotzi Kotzi!"* Which is funny, but is it funny enough to laugh-cry and get stomach cramps? Probably not.) Seminary itself is OK in parts and really interesting in others, but it's hard work. Lots of reading, lots of group work where you can't let anyone down. It's also slightly annoying that even with all the students being cooperative, highly motivated adults, the seminary teachers' plans never fit the actual time frame - something that would cost us trainee teachers points once they start observing our actual classes! On the plus side (I suppose?) it makes me appreciate more what the students have to do: Sitting through up to eight hours of lessons where they're expected to participate and perform, on top of going through puberty and trying to have hobbies and a social life. Student is a hard job, without a question.

It's a tough time in school. There are conferences, parent-teacher talks and other additional things every other week. Although I'm still officially a part-time teacher, I still have to participate full-time in these things, and it all adds up. It's also a stressful time for the students. We're half-way between fall break and the Christmas vacation, a time full of written exams and presentations and the usual problems that come with all that. With Christmas approaching, at least a third of the kids are exuberant with expectation and at least one third are frustrated with the gap between their real life and the glamourised image of happy families and unlimited wealth in the pre-Christmas commercials. Kids at our school come from all walks of life, so there's lots of material for conflict and crises. At best, teaching them is like herding cats; on occasion, it feels like putting one fire out while someone in the back of class lights the next three. I love the teaching! But believe it or not, it's hard work. In an attempt to summon some holiday spirit in the middle of this stressful time, I've packed an advent calendar for my 6th graders (they're 25 kids, so it more or less works out) when I packed the advent calendars for my own kids. They seem to appreciate it so far; I can only hope that nobody will be upset because they're number, like, 23 instead of 5. (I let them draw lots, so it was all in the hands of Lady Luck, but still.) We're having a class Christmas party next week (another long day), and I have to admit that I'm rather relieved that the class voted against doing an English play or rehearsing some English carols for the occasion...

Then, when I get home, of course there's still family life to maintain, because it's not the kids' fault that I'm now as busy and exhausted as their dad. And it's not Jörg's fault that things like buying groceries or doing the laundry or making dinner just plain putting the kids to bed are now an additional load on an already long list, rather than something that I can easily do on my free day or at the end of a manageable half-day. This is something we'll have to suss out anew, too.

Probably as a result of all this, my mind absolutely closes down when it comes to analytical thinking, which is awkward because I still haven't finished the fandom studies essay I've been working on since before the summer holidays. It just won't come together and it's so frustrating because I know what I'm trying to say but I don't know how to say it, and the mere thought of putting the bibliography together makes me want to cry (yet again). The only thing I want to write is TEA, because I currently know (more or less) what's happening next and also because it's currently offering the gratification of some really great comments. But even when I have the time to write (something other than tests and work sheets or assignments for seminary), I feel guilty about writing fanfic rather than the essay. I should just withdraw, but after already asking for an extension, that feels like a massive failure. I was so hoping to get a foot back in the academic door with that essay, with the long-term goal being possibly doing a PhD in Tolkien Studies (hey, if that's an actual specialisation in English Philology, I may as well use it). But whom am I kidding? I don't have the stamina for that kind of academic work if I can't even write a crappy essay.

In conclusion, I'm not a happy camper right now. I'm hoping that things will get easier with habit and that it won't be going like this for the full two years that seminary lasts. I hope my current state is just the normal adjustment to a new challenge, rather than actual burn-out. I really don't need that.

Adulting is haaard.



- - -
*Rolf Zukowski is a popular childrens' singer-songwriter in Germany. He was already hugely popular when I was a kid - my first "pop" concert was a Rolf Zukowski concert! The kid's rendering of his name as Rotzi Kotzi is doubly hilarious not just because it sounds funny, but also because Rotze is snot and Kotze is puke.