Ow ow ow ow OW.
Jul. 9th, 2004 05:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
olorielI'm sore all over, I've developped the first bleeding blister of my life under my left foot, and I'll be gone all weekend for a Kendô training course that guarantees more soreness and bigger blisters.
That said,
SPIDER-MAN 2
Introduction to the misery that is the life of Peter Parker
MJ: I'm Mary-Jane Watson. Whoever named me after a drug should die. I'm supposed to be pretty. Peter is in love with me but says he isn't. We will angst about that throughout the movie. Otherwise, I'm a succesful actress and the girlfriend of the astronaut son of the J.J.Jameson, the newspaper editor asshole.
HARRY: I hate Spider-man. He killed my father. He stole my Silmarils. The latter actually isn't true. Unfortunately, I'm too busy whining and bitching to get the idea that the former might not be true, either.
PETER: I am Spider-man. I'm also the biggest loser on planet earth. Watch me lose my job as a pizza delivery boy, because the idea to deliver the pizza the Spider-man way came to me too late.
JAMESON: I'm the editor of the Daily Bugle. I'm ugly, cheap and important. I don't want poetic photos but action. You're fired.
PETER: Um, I have, like, this photo of Spider-man?
JAMESON: Alright. You there, make it say "Spider-man terrorizes New York."
RANDOM BLACK GUY: But... Spider-man is a hero!
JAMESON: I say he's a menace. $ 300 for you, Parker.
SECRETARY: Unfortunately, that doesn't cover half of what I borrowed you last month, so I'll just keep it.
PETER: Well, thanks for nothing. *heads to university*
CONNORS: Hey, Mr Parker, where are you going?
PETER: Your lecture?
CONNORS: The one that ended five minutes ago? You know, you're intelligent, but I'll let you fail if you don't work.
PETER: I'm writing my term paper on Dr Octavius!
CONNORS: Dr Octavius is a friend of mine, so you better get it right.
PETER *enters Aunt May's home*
AUNT MAY, HARRY & MJ: Surprise!
PETER: Um, what?
AUNT MAY: It's your birthday, silly.
MJ: Happy birthday. When are you coming to visit my play?
PETER: ...
HARRY: Happy birthday. Why are you spending more time photographing Spider-man than meeting us? That sucks, man.
PETER: ...
HARRY: Dr Octavius rocks. You wanna meet him tomorrow?
later
PETER: *finds eviction notice* Aunt May, why didn't you tell me?
AUNT MAY: I'm old enough to look after myself. Here, take this $ 20 bill. And don't you dare leaving them here for me.
PETER: *brings out garbage*
MJ: Isn't that a déjà vu.
PETER: Yeah, I agree that my life is one big glitch in the Matrix.
MJ: By the way, I have a new boyfriend. As in, we'll marry and make lots of little children.
PETER: That sucks. I mean, congratulations.
PETER *returns to his shabby apartment*
MR DITKOVICH: RENT?!
PETER: I'll get my paycheck this week I promise!
MR DITKOVICH: Want rent, not promises.
PETER: But I just have 20 dollars and they have to feed me all week!
MR DITKOVICH: Mine.
DAUGHTER DITKOVICH: *looks compassionately*
next morning
PETER *wants to go to bathroom*
Mr DITKOVICH *is faster*
Mr DITKOVICH: RENT?
PETER *firmly closes bathroom door*
Meeting the not-yet-villain
PETER: Hi. I'm Sp - I mean, Peter Parker. I'm writing a paper about you.
Dr OCTAVIUS: I know, Connors told me. He told me you're brilliant but lazy.
PETER: I'm not lazy, I'm busy.
Dr OCTAVIUS: Of course. Intelligence is not a privilege but a gift. You must use it to help mankind.
PETER: I'M TRYING!
Dr OCTAVIUS: Meet my wife, Rosie. We met at university. I tried to teach her nuclear physics, she tried to teach me English literature. Neither of us has ever understood the other, but we're in love anyway. You have a girlfriend?
PETER: I dunno.
Dr OCTAVIUS: How can you not know?
PETER: She doesn't know I love her.
Dr OCTAVIUS: That's bad.
ROSIE: Read poetry. That'll help.
Dr OCTAVIUS: Now, for my brilliant invention. We're going to produce lots of electricity by means of fusion.
PETER: But that could be dangerous!
Dr OCTAVIUS: Only if I miscalculated. Which I didn't.
On the way home, Peter spiders yet again only to discover that he suddenly can't shoot spider webbing anymoer. Since he's in mid-air when he discovers, he drops a few hundred feet before being stopped by some pipes.
SPIDER-PETER: This world hates me.
First Action Scene: Making a Villain
SPEAKER: Brilliant Dr Octavius has found a way of creating lots of energy with little means. That means cheap electricity for everyone!
HARRY: That means the Nobel price for us.
Dr OCTAVIUS: First, I'll don these octopus arm things. They're anti-magnetical, heat-resistant and altogether perfect. They even have minds of their own.
INTERVIEWER: Then can they not get dangerous?
Dr OCTAVIUS: No, there's the three laws of - wait, wrong movie. No, I've built a disruptor chip that keeps my brain the dominant one. Now look as I put this sphere of Tritium - which is very rare, there are only 27g in the whole wide world, so actually I don't know about "cheap" and "for everybody", but what the hey - into this generator thingy. As you see, it's growing very fiery and slightly bigger now.
METAL STUFF *is drawn into generator thingy*
HARRY: Maybe you should stop?
Dr OCTAVIUS: No, no, it's supposed to do that.
METAL WALLS OF SHED *are drawn into generator thingy*
HARRY: Not good!
ENERGY FIELD *goes boom*
WINDOWS *break*
ROSIE *is killed by shard of glass*
OCTOPUS ARM THINGS *are fused onto Dr Octavius' body, conviently destroying the disruptor chip*
SPIDER-PETER *pulls the cord and stops the terror and saves Harry's life*
HARRY: Don't touch me! You saved my life now, but I'll still kill you.
SPIDER-PETER: Suit yourself.
The Hospital Chainsaw Massacre
DOCTORS: First, lets take off these octopus arm things. *take chainsaws*
OCTOPUS ARM AI: Noooo! *kill doctors*
Dr OCTAVIUS: Wait, I didn't want that! AH! The disruptor chip is fried! *returns to ruins of metal shed* This is all my fault.
OCTOPUS ARM AI: No, it isn't. ... Build it again.
Dr OCTAVIUS: Yes, I'll build it again! But I can't! I don't have the money!
OCTOPUS ARM AI: Then we must steal it, my precious!
Dr OCTAVIUS: But... that would be a crime!
OCTOPUS ARM AI: It would be a crime not to finish this project. We'll show them, precious, won't we.
Dr OCTAVIUS: We will, gollum, gollum.
The Astronaut Party
JAMESON Guess what? My son is the first man ever to have played football on the moon. They're throwing a party for him. You take some pictures.
PETER *after several failed attempts at getting the last apetizer* Man, this world hates me.
SPEAKER: And here he comes, the one and only John Jameson and his beautiful girlfriend!
PETER: MJ?!
MJ: You know how they say "Always shoot for the moon..."?
PETER: Yeah, even if you miss it, you'll land among the stars. Sorry, gotta work.
JOHN: Thanks all for being here, and guess what? My beautiful girlfriend has just accepted my marriage proposal!
PETER: Man, this world really hates me. *fails yet again at getting an appetizer and goes to Harry who's sitting at the bar*
HARRY *is getting violently drunk on champagne* You don't love me anymore. You only take pictures of Spider-man. Asshole.
PETER: WTF?!
HARRY: *slaps him. Twice. In front of everybody.*
PARTY-GOERS: Guys, can you carry out your domestic quarrels elsewhere?
PETER: This world really, really hates me. *finally manages to grab some drink*
MJ: Hey.
PETER: Hey, Mrs Jameson. You know what? I'm going to watch your play after all.
MJ: Don't disappoint me.
PETER: ...
Next day. SECOND ACTION SCENE: Money; and Aunt May learns to fly
BANK CLERK: I'm sorry, but we can't loan you money.
AUNT MAY: Damn. Then can we at least have the free toaster?
BANK CLERK: No, you'd have to deposit at least 300 dollars for that. Sorry.
DOC OCK: All your vault are belong to us.
SECURITY *shoot at him to no avail*
PETER *runs away*
BANK CLERK: A real hero, your nephew is.
AUNT MAY: Don't leave meeee!
SPIDER-PETER *attacks Doc Ock, who throws money at him. In spite of Peter's and Aunt May's severe monetary problems, neither of them thinks of grabbing some of the stuff*
DOC OCK: Why don't I just take this random old lady that happens to be Spider-man's aunt with me.
SPIDER-PETER: Give me the lady and bring the money back.
DOC OCK: Yeah right.
After some house-destroying and Spider-man-beating, during which Aunt May hangs from some random angelic stone figure, Doc Ock disappears with the money and Spidey dissapears with Aunt May.
AUNT MAY: I thought you were bad. I think I was wrong.
SPIDER-PETER: Nice to hear that. Strange that you don't recognize my voice, though.
JAMESON: This is great. A guy with eight limbs named Octavius. How can we name him?
RANDOM BLACK GUY: Doctor Octopus.
JAMESON: Bullshit.
RANDOM BLACK GUY: Captain Calamari?
JAMESON: Bullshit. Hey, I know! We call him Doctor Octopus! Doc Ock! Hahahah!
The play. Only not.
PETER *drives to theatre on his moped*
CRIMINALS *drive too fast. Over the moped.*
PETER *jumps off, somersaults and lands savely on pavement*
CHILDREN: How did you do that?
PETER: Practice, brushing my teeth and always eating my spinach.
CHILDREN: WOW! FROM NOW ON, WE'LL ALWAYS BRUSH OUR TEETH AND EAT SPINACH!
PETER *spiders behind criminals and stops them, which leads to his coming too late to the play*
BOUNCER: Your shoelace is open.
PETER *binds shoelace*
BOUNCER: Your tie is a mess.
PETER *binds tie* Now can I get in?
BOUNCER: No entry while play is in progress.
PETER: Now wait a second. Miss Watson is a friend of mine.
BOUNCER: Good for you. Silence while play is in progress. Shoo.
Peter waits until the play is over, while some Japanese lady sings a horrible version of the Spider-man theme song. After the play, MJ comes out of the theatre, but Peter doesn't dare talking to her, and then John comes along anyway and Peter leaves. To vent off, he goes spidering over the rooftops of Manhattan. Once again, he suddenly can't shoot webbing anymore. Stuck on a roof, he can do nothing but use the elevator down. Actually, I'll just copy the original text from the movie there, because no parody can beat it:
[quote]
RANDOM GUY WALKING HIS DOG: Nice Spidey outfit.
SPIDER-PETER: Thanks.
RANDOM GUY: Where did you get it?
SPIDER-PETER: I made it...
RANDOM GUY: Looks uncomfortable.
SPIDER-PETER: Yeah, it's kind of itchy. *long pause* It sometimes rides up in the crotch too.
[unquote]
And with that, I'll stop for tonight. More tomorrow, or Monday, or so.
Also still haven't finished my presentation. *headdesk*
That said,
SPIDER-MAN 2
Introduction to the misery that is the life of Peter Parker
MJ: I'm Mary-Jane Watson. Whoever named me after a drug should die. I'm supposed to be pretty. Peter is in love with me but says he isn't. We will angst about that throughout the movie. Otherwise, I'm a succesful actress and the girlfriend of the astronaut son of the J.J.Jameson, the newspaper editor asshole.
HARRY: I hate Spider-man. He killed my father. He stole my Silmarils. The latter actually isn't true. Unfortunately, I'm too busy whining and bitching to get the idea that the former might not be true, either.
PETER: I am Spider-man. I'm also the biggest loser on planet earth. Watch me lose my job as a pizza delivery boy, because the idea to deliver the pizza the Spider-man way came to me too late.
JAMESON: I'm the editor of the Daily Bugle. I'm ugly, cheap and important. I don't want poetic photos but action. You're fired.
PETER: Um, I have, like, this photo of Spider-man?
JAMESON: Alright. You there, make it say "Spider-man terrorizes New York."
RANDOM BLACK GUY: But... Spider-man is a hero!
JAMESON: I say he's a menace. $ 300 for you, Parker.
SECRETARY: Unfortunately, that doesn't cover half of what I borrowed you last month, so I'll just keep it.
PETER: Well, thanks for nothing. *heads to university*
CONNORS: Hey, Mr Parker, where are you going?
PETER: Your lecture?
CONNORS: The one that ended five minutes ago? You know, you're intelligent, but I'll let you fail if you don't work.
PETER: I'm writing my term paper on Dr Octavius!
CONNORS: Dr Octavius is a friend of mine, so you better get it right.
PETER *enters Aunt May's home*
AUNT MAY, HARRY & MJ: Surprise!
PETER: Um, what?
AUNT MAY: It's your birthday, silly.
MJ: Happy birthday. When are you coming to visit my play?
PETER: ...
HARRY: Happy birthday. Why are you spending more time photographing Spider-man than meeting us? That sucks, man.
PETER: ...
HARRY: Dr Octavius rocks. You wanna meet him tomorrow?
later
PETER: *finds eviction notice* Aunt May, why didn't you tell me?
AUNT MAY: I'm old enough to look after myself. Here, take this $ 20 bill. And don't you dare leaving them here for me.
PETER: *brings out garbage*
MJ: Isn't that a déjà vu.
PETER: Yeah, I agree that my life is one big glitch in the Matrix.
MJ: By the way, I have a new boyfriend. As in, we'll marry and make lots of little children.
PETER: That sucks. I mean, congratulations.
PETER *returns to his shabby apartment*
MR DITKOVICH: RENT?!
PETER: I'll get my paycheck this week I promise!
MR DITKOVICH: Want rent, not promises.
PETER: But I just have 20 dollars and they have to feed me all week!
MR DITKOVICH: Mine.
DAUGHTER DITKOVICH: *looks compassionately*
next morning
PETER *wants to go to bathroom*
Mr DITKOVICH *is faster*
Mr DITKOVICH: RENT?
PETER *firmly closes bathroom door*
Meeting the not-yet-villain
PETER: Hi. I'm Sp - I mean, Peter Parker. I'm writing a paper about you.
Dr OCTAVIUS: I know, Connors told me. He told me you're brilliant but lazy.
PETER: I'm not lazy, I'm busy.
Dr OCTAVIUS: Of course. Intelligence is not a privilege but a gift. You must use it to help mankind.
PETER: I'M TRYING!
Dr OCTAVIUS: Meet my wife, Rosie. We met at university. I tried to teach her nuclear physics, she tried to teach me English literature. Neither of us has ever understood the other, but we're in love anyway. You have a girlfriend?
PETER: I dunno.
Dr OCTAVIUS: How can you not know?
PETER: She doesn't know I love her.
Dr OCTAVIUS: That's bad.
ROSIE: Read poetry. That'll help.
Dr OCTAVIUS: Now, for my brilliant invention. We're going to produce lots of electricity by means of fusion.
PETER: But that could be dangerous!
Dr OCTAVIUS: Only if I miscalculated. Which I didn't.
On the way home, Peter spiders yet again only to discover that he suddenly can't shoot spider webbing anymoer. Since he's in mid-air when he discovers, he drops a few hundred feet before being stopped by some pipes.
SPIDER-PETER: This world hates me.
First Action Scene: Making a Villain
SPEAKER: Brilliant Dr Octavius has found a way of creating lots of energy with little means. That means cheap electricity for everyone!
HARRY: That means the Nobel price for us.
Dr OCTAVIUS: First, I'll don these octopus arm things. They're anti-magnetical, heat-resistant and altogether perfect. They even have minds of their own.
INTERVIEWER: Then can they not get dangerous?
Dr OCTAVIUS: No, there's the three laws of - wait, wrong movie. No, I've built a disruptor chip that keeps my brain the dominant one. Now look as I put this sphere of Tritium - which is very rare, there are only 27g in the whole wide world, so actually I don't know about "cheap" and "for everybody", but what the hey - into this generator thingy. As you see, it's growing very fiery and slightly bigger now.
METAL STUFF *is drawn into generator thingy*
HARRY: Maybe you should stop?
Dr OCTAVIUS: No, no, it's supposed to do that.
METAL WALLS OF SHED *are drawn into generator thingy*
HARRY: Not good!
ENERGY FIELD *goes boom*
WINDOWS *break*
ROSIE *is killed by shard of glass*
OCTOPUS ARM THINGS *are fused onto Dr Octavius' body, conviently destroying the disruptor chip*
SPIDER-PETER *pulls the cord and stops the terror and saves Harry's life*
HARRY: Don't touch me! You saved my life now, but I'll still kill you.
SPIDER-PETER: Suit yourself.
The Hospital Chainsaw Massacre
DOCTORS: First, lets take off these octopus arm things. *take chainsaws*
OCTOPUS ARM AI: Noooo! *kill doctors*
Dr OCTAVIUS: Wait, I didn't want that! AH! The disruptor chip is fried! *returns to ruins of metal shed* This is all my fault.
OCTOPUS ARM AI: No, it isn't. ... Build it again.
Dr OCTAVIUS: Yes, I'll build it again! But I can't! I don't have the money!
OCTOPUS ARM AI: Then we must steal it, my precious!
Dr OCTAVIUS: But... that would be a crime!
OCTOPUS ARM AI: It would be a crime not to finish this project. We'll show them, precious, won't we.
Dr OCTAVIUS: We will, gollum, gollum.
The Astronaut Party
JAMESON Guess what? My son is the first man ever to have played football on the moon. They're throwing a party for him. You take some pictures.
PETER *after several failed attempts at getting the last apetizer* Man, this world hates me.
SPEAKER: And here he comes, the one and only John Jameson and his beautiful girlfriend!
PETER: MJ?!
MJ: You know how they say "Always shoot for the moon..."?
PETER: Yeah, even if you miss it, you'll land among the stars. Sorry, gotta work.
JOHN: Thanks all for being here, and guess what? My beautiful girlfriend has just accepted my marriage proposal!
PETER: Man, this world really hates me. *fails yet again at getting an appetizer and goes to Harry who's sitting at the bar*
HARRY *is getting violently drunk on champagne* You don't love me anymore. You only take pictures of Spider-man. Asshole.
PETER: WTF?!
HARRY: *slaps him. Twice. In front of everybody.*
PARTY-GOERS: Guys, can you carry out your domestic quarrels elsewhere?
PETER: This world really, really hates me. *finally manages to grab some drink*
MJ: Hey.
PETER: Hey, Mrs Jameson. You know what? I'm going to watch your play after all.
MJ: Don't disappoint me.
PETER: ...
Next day. SECOND ACTION SCENE: Money; and Aunt May learns to fly
BANK CLERK: I'm sorry, but we can't loan you money.
AUNT MAY: Damn. Then can we at least have the free toaster?
BANK CLERK: No, you'd have to deposit at least 300 dollars for that. Sorry.
DOC OCK: All your vault are belong to us.
SECURITY *shoot at him to no avail*
PETER *runs away*
BANK CLERK: A real hero, your nephew is.
AUNT MAY: Don't leave meeee!
SPIDER-PETER *attacks Doc Ock, who throws money at him. In spite of Peter's and Aunt May's severe monetary problems, neither of them thinks of grabbing some of the stuff*
DOC OCK: Why don't I just take this random old lady that happens to be Spider-man's aunt with me.
SPIDER-PETER: Give me the lady and bring the money back.
DOC OCK: Yeah right.
After some house-destroying and Spider-man-beating, during which Aunt May hangs from some random angelic stone figure, Doc Ock disappears with the money and Spidey dissapears with Aunt May.
AUNT MAY: I thought you were bad. I think I was wrong.
SPIDER-PETER: Nice to hear that. Strange that you don't recognize my voice, though.
JAMESON: This is great. A guy with eight limbs named Octavius. How can we name him?
RANDOM BLACK GUY: Doctor Octopus.
JAMESON: Bullshit.
RANDOM BLACK GUY: Captain Calamari?
JAMESON: Bullshit. Hey, I know! We call him Doctor Octopus! Doc Ock! Hahahah!
The play. Only not.
PETER *drives to theatre on his moped*
CRIMINALS *drive too fast. Over the moped.*
PETER *jumps off, somersaults and lands savely on pavement*
CHILDREN: How did you do that?
PETER: Practice, brushing my teeth and always eating my spinach.
CHILDREN: WOW! FROM NOW ON, WE'LL ALWAYS BRUSH OUR TEETH AND EAT SPINACH!
PETER *spiders behind criminals and stops them, which leads to his coming too late to the play*
BOUNCER: Your shoelace is open.
PETER *binds shoelace*
BOUNCER: Your tie is a mess.
PETER *binds tie* Now can I get in?
BOUNCER: No entry while play is in progress.
PETER: Now wait a second. Miss Watson is a friend of mine.
BOUNCER: Good for you. Silence while play is in progress. Shoo.
Peter waits until the play is over, while some Japanese lady sings a horrible version of the Spider-man theme song. After the play, MJ comes out of the theatre, but Peter doesn't dare talking to her, and then John comes along anyway and Peter leaves. To vent off, he goes spidering over the rooftops of Manhattan. Once again, he suddenly can't shoot webbing anymore. Stuck on a roof, he can do nothing but use the elevator down. Actually, I'll just copy the original text from the movie there, because no parody can beat it:
[quote]
RANDOM GUY WALKING HIS DOG: Nice Spidey outfit.
SPIDER-PETER: Thanks.
RANDOM GUY: Where did you get it?
SPIDER-PETER: I made it...
RANDOM GUY: Looks uncomfortable.
SPIDER-PETER: Yeah, it's kind of itchy. *long pause* It sometimes rides up in the crotch too.
[unquote]
And with that, I'll stop for tonight. More tomorrow, or Monday, or so.
Also still haven't finished my presentation. *headdesk*
